Pengo Sports

Dude. Really? Duuuude.

2012-01-09T22:58:00.007-07:00

Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh QB and what it seems, mob wise guy, has been sporting a wee fedora (or he just has a giant head) of late:

Good look? Really? He just looks like a tarted-up hipster.

Here at PengoSports we have done a bit of digging and located a few of his previous looks:

Ben's Charles Lindbergh look that he sported while

at the University of Miami Ohio. (This look did not catch on).

During his rookie season in Pittsburgh he embraced the "James Joyce" style that was so popular with all the young Steeler fans. It ranked right up there with the Terrible Towel at home games.

The bowler hat, also known as a coke hat, derby,
billycock or bombín and when sported on Ben's giant head
just looked silly. He only wore this for part of one pre-season.

Ben, and friends, a the Million Hat March in Washington DC last Spring.

Experimenting with his current "Fedora" look.
The scarf did not make the cut.

Ben Roethlisberger, a haberdasher's dream
(and a national nightmare).

Which hat is next? Hmmmmm...

Someone Doesn't Like The Tebow

2011-12-17T22:47:00.002-07:00

Tebowing (vb) the act of calling attention to oneself while supposedly giving glory to a higher power.

From a few weeks back in the Hooters' men's room (over urinal #3). Seems someone didn't like Tim Tebow, or at least this photo of Tebow:

Look out! Something is trying to get in your mouth!
Pray it away! Pray it away!

The Big Guy is not amused.

Now let's wander into the sunset with some images from the PengoSports Tebowing gallery:

Tebowing

Tebowing after killing a great, big snake


A cowboy Tebowing but still ready to come up guns-a-blazin'!

A Catholic "Tebowing". Nice try Papist!

Poor kids would like to watch the Tebow
but can't afford a TV (or a place to live).

Matthew 6:6 - But you, when you pray, enter into your room,
and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret shall reward you openly.


TOUCHDOWN! YES! BRONCOOOOOOOOS!

Broncos Got Jobbed

2011-10-10T13:52:00.001-06:00

Tim Tebow and the Broncos got jobbed on the last play of the game against the Chargers on Sunday. Jobbed we say. J-O-B-B-E-D. The Broncos should have had one more play, from the one yard line, after the blatant pass interference penalty, not called, against San Diego cornerback Dante Hughes, #33, when he pushed Matthew Willis, #12, clean out the back of the end zone while the ball was in the air. Cheater.

Would the Broncos have scored? Probably not. They are the Broncos you know, although it was Timmy Jesus in the game instead of Mr. Fieldgoal, Kyle Orten, so Denver would have at least had a chance scoring the TD and winning the game.

Full video from NFL.com

The jobbing begins at about 45 seconds

Tebow has earned another start. Adapt the offense to his strengths, all plays out of the shotgun and roll the pocket to give him a better view of the play as it develops, and let Timmy be Timmy. Either he'll lead the Broncos out of the desert and his legion of followers will rejoice in his glory. Or he'll suck and they will have to shut the hell up and find a new messiah to claim is being crucified for his beliefs and not for lack of the proper skill set in the job that he is trying to win.

And lest you think we here are anti-Tebow because he is a Christian, PengoSports believes that you will not find a stronger leader, with better character in sports today than Tim Tebow. He seems to be a great kid who is genuine and a wonderful roll model. We just do not like his throwing motion and believe that will be the only thing that prevents him from becoming an elite quarterback in the league. He could worship clowns for all we care as long as the Broncos start winning again.

Aussie Rules Football Grand Final Viewing Party!!!

2011-09-16T21:36:00.001-06:00

All are welcome. All are welcome.

It is that time of the year again! PengoSports' Christmas, 4th of July and Guy Fawkes Day all rolled into one! It's the 2011 Australian Rules Football Grand Final Viewing Party LIVE on ESPN2 at the Hooters Citadel Mall.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30th AT 10:00 PM

Join us for some real footy, great company and wacked accents while we watch the World's Greatest Game!

Everyone is welcome. Rules will be explained. No dingos allowed.

Show up early and bring the kids to have your picture taken with the infamous "Tech Club Gavel"!

1961 Tech Club President's Gavel

The "Gavel" is only making a few stops in Colorado as it tours America teaching children and adults alike about the long, dark history of the "Tech Club".

Hoop Dreams!

2011-09-08T12:38:00.000-06:00

New Zealand and Australia got together for a nice friendly games of hoops and a rugby match tried to break out (but not quite).

Keep up the good word boys and basketball will make it onto the PengoSports must watch list. At least NZ v. OZ games (or Georgetown v. random Chinese team).

Gack! What the Hell is That(s)?

2011-08-28T11:20:00.001-06:00

What a home stand. We have been entertained by...

...the World Famous Tacoma Disc-O-Crats:

The only thing missing was a flying dog.

I shall throw...

...and I shall catch!

...then we had this thing showed up for a game...

Hey look, it's Teen Wolf!

Never mind. It's just Lame Wolf.

...and this thing...

Just askin' for a beatin'.

...and finally, this thing:

Holy Lord! Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Sweep us out of here Sandman!

You Suck Field at Mile High

2011-08-23T08:58:00.001-06:00

Invesco Field at Mile High. Sports Authority Field at Mile High. Greedy Clueless Bast*rds Field at Mile High. Choke on a Bowl of D*cks Field at Mile High. Take you pick. They all suck. Suck donkeys (see what we did there?).

Bears Stadium was build in 1948 to house Denver's minor league baseball team the Bears and thus, correctly named, Bears Stadium. The Broncos were born in 1960 and played in Bears Stadium while usually playing like dogs until 1969 when the city of Denver took over the facility and it was re-named Mile High Stadium (cause, you know Denver is a mile above sea level and when you hear the name mentioned you think of Denver and not an investment fund, or a sporting goods store). From that date until the venue's last game in December of the 2000 season the Broncos had the pretty impressive home record of 171-68-5 for a .711 winning percentage. After which they move into a bigger, and crappier stadium named Invesco Field at Mile High and began the long downward slide into suck once again.

What we can surmise from this is that unless the Broncos play in a stadium named Mile High, and only Mile High, they will be losers. Well, at least they won a couple of Super Bowls back in the day. Thanks for that, for whatever that's worth as*holes.

1968. Bears Stadium. Just a year before the birth of Mile High

South Stands, check. West Stands, check. The rest? Not just yet.

It would be nice if they, the Stadium District and the Broncos, had not whored out and sold the naming rights. The people in the six county district did pony up quite a bit of dough to build the fu*ker so it should have been named what THEY wanted.

Not quite an Angry Mob. More of a Dissatisfied Mass.

They Will Lay Their Babies In Your Brain

2011-08-23T01:42:00.002-06:00

St. Louis Cardnals' left fielder, and a PengoSports personal favorite, Matt Holliday had a moth fly into his ear during the 8th inning of last night's game against the Dodgers. He left the field and they have to use a "utensil" to get the still living moth out of his ear (read about it here).

Gaaaadds! We just know that thing laid eggs on his brain and Matt will be afflicted with the "crazy" for the rest of the season. And he is was one of the really good guys in pro sports. Now with the bug larvae crawling around in his head he'll probably turn out like the rest of the recently infected. You know, Carlos Zambrano and Albert Haynesworth.

Future Matt playing "left field"

Good luck Matt. Maybe your Crazy Train will turn out like Ozzy's (both Ozzy Osborn and Ozzie Guillen) and not Carlos' and Albert's.

On a related note, Sky Sox infielder Jorge Cantu had a large black widow egg sack on his neck in Sunday's game. We don't want to be around when that thing hatches. Having an advanced degree in Spiderology, we here at PengoSports have found that fire works the best on spiders. Lots and lots of fire. Oh, and screaming. Yeah, lots of that too.

Colonel Prime Time

2011-08-21T11:37:00.000-06:00

Deion Sanders' Hall of Fame bust...

...looks like it was carved by Cho Man Chin from M*A*S*H.

The master himself, Cho Man Chin

Some of Cho's other famous works:

Cho's "I Am Colonel Potter"

"Good Luck Sleeping Tonight"

And he probably created this:


The infamous "Teddy Roosevelt Taking a Big Dump"

Vive la Cho!

Bullpens. The Domain of the Hipster.

2011-08-06T21:29:00.062-06:00

Visitor's bullpen circa 2005.
If you dressed well that means you'll play well.
(This dress code is still strictly enforced).

The chance to build a Rube Goldberg machine
brings out the inner-engineers in every bullpen.
These boys just launched a rabbit into the "FunZone"!

Baseball bullpens have forever been the domain of the Bohemian element in the game. The visitor's bullpen at Sky Sox Stadium takes this groove to a whole new level. This ball yard haunt where hipsters, artists and general layabouts can let down their hair and shout to the world, "I am me! I like me! I really, really like me!" Well, good on you freak. Someone has to keep on liking you.

Tiny cap = HIPSTER.

Bullpen life is full of PBR,

Cool brand cigarettes

and talking about things

that you probably haven't heard of.

In the past, the boys in the bullpen would earn a few extra dollars boxing and grappling to amused throngs of hometown fans and greedy bookies.

Taking a well deserved rest after a couple of rounds of fisticuffs.

Today's ballplayers are not allowed to sit on the ground,

"too unprofessional" according to the umpires

(and Ferdie Pacheco, the Fight Doctor).

Let's keep it 'professional'!

...Parade floats and marching are also banned...

...But, for some reason, this is not only allowed,

but encouraged by the men in blue.

Eliezer Alfonzo Day!

2011-08-04T15:35:00.006-06:00

On June 18, 2011 Sky Sox Stadium played host to Eliezer Alfonzo Day. The Venezuelan journeyman catcher was surprised by his best friend, and baseball mentor, Billy Ray Cyrus who serenaded him with a medley of Latin hits and then belted out the National Anthem in front a crowd of 5373 confused and bewildered fans.

International superstar Billy Ray Cyrus'

is overshadowed by Alfonzo's magical grip

on the adoring media.

Dreamy Billy Ray. Dreamy Eliezer.
Somebody has a couple of admirers.

The onlookers were entertained with the

traditional Venezuelan Silly-Hat Chair Dance.

Everyone joined in.

Include members of the Sky Sox front office.

And here is the man of the hour,

catcher/salsa dancer extraordinaire,

Aliezer Alfonzo!

FONZIE! FONZIE!! FONZIE!!!

He then wrasled a bear to close the ceremonies.

It was a night that will be long remembered by all that attended. We are all better people for having witnessed it.

Choking On Sherbert

2011-07-22T19:35:00.003-06:00

The US Women should have studied

this infograph before the game.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Et al. 1-0 in the 69th minute on a goal by Alex Morgan, from a beautiful pass by Megan Rapinoe (PengoSports' tourney MVP). Pissed away in the 81st when 3 US defenders panicked and gifted the ball to Japan's Aya Miyama who easily placed in the net and we were off to bonus/free soccer-time!

Will the next contestant for
America's Sweetheart please step forward.

2-1 US, in the 104th minute of bonus soccer-time, on a Abby Wambach header off of great service from Morgan. But since it's soccer, and since it's FIFA, the awesomeness that would have been an incredible OT goal is crapped all over and we still have a minute in this added period and 15 MORE of the other added period to play and, of course, the US defense folded under the Japanese pressure and allowed the equalizer in the 117th, just 3 minutes from victory and thus denying the extra few minutes of fame tacked on to the usual 15 for women's soccer. 2-2 going to PK's. A feeling of FU*K! Is all over this.

P.K.'s

1st PK was dribbled weakly into the Japanese goalie. 0-0.

Goal Japan. 0-1.

2nd PK was up, and good! If it was an extra-point, which it wasn't. 0-1.

Japan kicks one into Solo. 0-1.

3rd PK rolls to a stop at the Japanese tender. 0-1.

Japan smokes one into the net. 0-2.

Wambach with blasts one in, and not with her head. 1-2.

Goal Japan. 1-3. And that was that.

A bit sexist to say they kick like girls,

but they did kick like girls. Wee little girls.

The US team had more talent, better chances and controlled the game. But Japan didn't give a sh*t about any of that and responded every time and just won the game. They were the better team and deserved victory:

Congratulations to Japan.

Honorable winners and World Cup champions!

KONJOU - will-power, guts, temper, nature, spirt

Japan gets a thunderous welcome!
Hail to our glorious victors!

DON'T BE LYING TO ME. UNDERSTAND?!

2011-07-19T15:14:00.009-06:00

Colorado Springs Sky Sox hitting coach Rene Lachemann, best known for managing Mayaguez to a Caribbean World Series championship in 1978 (and maybe being involved in baseball for 46 years and, I believe, being the first major leaguer to wrestle with Satchel Paige during their time together with the Kansas City A's back in 1965) has a nice gimmick of giving a ball to the young ones before the Sox bat each inning. But in order to earn said ball the child must go through a traumatic interrogation.

Most kid's love it, but every once in a while one of them freaks a bit and 'Lach' takes it down a notch and talks the kid off the ledge.

DON'T BE LYING TO ME. UNDERSTAND?!

So find yourself some tickets to the outfield side of the Sox dugout, get them as low down as you can, and sit back and enjoy some fine baseball theater.

The man does NOT like him some cold

That's a Long Way From Your Legs Son.

2011-07-04T16:45:00.004-06:00

Rockies super stud, 5 tool phenom Carlos Gonzalez crashed headlong into the center field wall after making a tremendous catch on Sunday. It looked like he could have injured his shoulder, wrist, knee and/or head. It was quite the collision, but the aftermath was just plain embarrassing. He was carted off, for a, wait for it, a contusion to his right wrist. Contusion is a fancy word for bruise and he needed a scooter ride off the field. We understand that in the shock and violence of the play he would need to take a moment to sort out the temporary from the 'oh sh*t this is really bad' pain, but after that time has passed and you realize ' yup, it's my wrist' you get up, and walk off the field to go and get the x-rays. You don't even have to keep playing with it. The Rockies have invested $80 million in you, and your career isn't worth not getting it checked, but unless there is a bone jutting out, never accept a ride off the field in that little cart.

Here are Cargo's teammates

helping him, and his wrist, up.

Here comes the 'meat wagon'.

click here to watch the video of the

catch/collision/roll off on MLB.com

Now let's compare that clip to PengoSports' all-time favorite hockey clip:

In the above video Toronto's Darcy Tucker pretty much destroys Philadelphia's Sami Kapanen about 7 minutes into overtime of game 6 in the 2004 Eastern Conference semi finals. Did Kamanen stay down? Call for the trainer? Ride off on a scooter? Hell no he didn't! He somehow wobbled, weaved and flopped himself back to the Flyers bench, keeping the play alive, and Philadelphia scored a couple of rushes later to clinch the series on the road.

The second video is the extended version with the hit, the post hit action and the game winning goal. The action part runs from 2:37-3:25. The Flyers total respect and awe for Kapanen runs from 3:48-4:27.

And back to Cargo:

There goes Carlos.

Off to Gate A46 and Atlanta.

Bye bye and see you in center in ~~Tuesday~~ Thursday.

This the only kind of cart you should

ever ride in on a baseball field

(And if you think that we here at PengoSports are just a bunch of insensitive bast*rds here is our story of a sports wrist injury: A long time ago one of us was cooling down from a game of inline hockey when a wheel got stuck in a gap in the cement court and down we went smack onto our right wrist. We felt a crunch and knew that wasn't good. When we tried to use the hand/wrist the fingers wouldn't grip and the wrist wouldn't bend. "Fu*k. we hope we only tore the ligaments," we whined and then got up, skated to the bench, and one-handed unlaced and took off our skates and the rest of our gear. We then shouted, "later" to the guys who were still playing and loaded our equipment into our sweet 1970 Volkswagen Bug. Shifting right handed was out, so we crossed shifted home and iced the living sh*t out of the wrist hoping the swelling would go down and that would prove it was only the ligaments. Alas, no such luck. A plate, a pin and seven screws later we had a newer, and much less useful right wrist. So screw you Cargo and your sissy-ride off the field).

Pain is just weakness leaving the body

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-18T17:08:00.001-06:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Go get that prostate checked! NOW!

And, for a limited time only,
we promise they won't use a ball glove.

State of Origin 2 lived up to our vast expectations. NSW broke a four match losing streak to down the Maroons 18-8 to even this year's series. The decider is set for July 6th, same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel.

Origin and Stanley Cup game 7 make for a happy Pengo

Speaking of Game 7, WOW! Tim Thomas just established the upper bar for how great a goalie can be in the finals. That performance will live in hockey history. And LuBrono? He may never recover (a lot like the reputation of the city of Vancouver. Most people thought it would be the ugly Americans tearing up Boston, nope. It was 'dem rascally Canadians).

The only Boston violence we noticed was at the Sky Sox game when a couple of Red Sox fans destroyed a chair in an on-field promotion. See the evidence below:

"Now cracks a noble heart.

Good-night, sweet ~~prince~~ plastic chair;
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."

The Boston hooligans

and the object of their spleen

Why couldn't they just pound on the mascot. You know, that worthless ba#tard who keeps ruining PengoSports' shots!

Something's happening on the other side of that leg

Stay out of my G#d-dammed shots or we're shipping you off to Vancouver with that G*d-dammed Finklestein sh%t kid! Son of a...

SWEET! Just SWEET!

2011-06-14T20:17:00.002-06:00

Tonight! Well, Wednesday at 3:30 am, Queensland vs New South Wales at ANZ Stadium in Sydney in State of Origin 2! Set ye alarms ye scabs! Origin is here!

This Pirate Dude at the ballgame,

we guess, is an Origin fan

A huge PengoSports shout out to Russell Crowe, actor and the owner of the South Sydney Rabbitohs (PengoSports team of choice in the world of the National Rugby League), we Americans can now watch the State of Origin matches AND the NRL Grand Final, LIVE on Fox Soccer Channel (Comcast 125 in the 719).

Never experienced Origin? All we can say is WOW! If there is a more intense sporting spectacle PengoSports has not stumbled across it. Imagine the Super Bowl, World Series and NBA Finals rolled into the awesomeness of the Stanley Cup Finals plus a couple of monkey knife fights tossed in for good measure!

Origin game time 4:00 am, pre-game at 3:30 am. The Grand Final is on October 2nd. Pre-game to start at 330 am Mountain Time. Huzzah to Mr. Crowe! Huzzah indeed!

Thank you Mr. Crowe. Thank you.

And then, and then! Later Wednesday night, GAME 7. Boston. Vancouver. Hate. Cheap shots. A sieve. A stone wall. Punks. Greatness. The Stanley Cup will be awarded. What a series! What a playoffs! What a great sport is the hockey! PLUS! We guarantee a Lebron-Free experience (although is Luongo plays like he's in Boston he will become the Lebron of Canada).

GAME 7!

Rave on. Rave. On.

Murder at the Old Ball Yard! Murder Most Foul!

2011-06-08T22:46:00.001-06:00

The other day, while attending the minor league baseball, PengoSports kinda, sorta witnessed a heinous attack on one of the River Cat relief pitchers. We didn't see the actual violence, but turned after hearing a sound of something wooden hitting something hard (perhaps an oaken cudgel whacking the player's head?) and noticed a player on the ground in the Sacramento bullpen writhing in pain, or something. We quickly snapped off a shot just in case CNN needed some proof and then went about our true passion, hunting for Sasquatches, and the next time we looked the player was gone. Probably dragged away by a Sasquatch, they are everywhere you know.

Let's breakdown the photographic evidence:

A. - The victim lying prone after the attack.

B. - The suspect making his sly escape.

C. - The shocked and appalled witnesses.

Find that kid in the grey shirt and we bet there's a bag of reward money waiting for you.

Now is the time to -

GUESS THAT HAIR:

Your choices are:

Bea Authur; John Maine; Alfredo Almezega; Josh Fields;

Brad Emaus; John Elway; Stu Cole; Troy Tulowitzki;
Willy Taveras; Stalin; Andrew Graham; Larry Fine;

Eliezer Alfonso; President Obama; Rex Brothers; Barbaro

you see me rollin they hatin

Next Time Let 'em See Your Face

2011-05-04T08:32:00.007-06:00

How to catch a line drive in the left-center gap, by EY Jr:

First run real fast from center to the left-center gap.

When you get close, jump horizontally, like Superman, toward the ball.

Catch said ball (again, like Superman).

Find a nice soft place to land.

Congrats! You did it!

Does he make the catch!? YES!

(Say this out loud in a Marv Albert voice)

And to play us off, here is a big woman on the piano

being stalked by a couple of Lotharios.

Uniform. Unibrow.

2011-04-26T09:58:00.002-06:00

Baseball is upon us so here is a press photo of Wally Moon, an old school player who had a pretty good career with the Cardinals and Dodgers in the 50's and 60's and also sported one of the all-time great unibrows in baseball history.

Almost Vulcan in his intensity and appearance.

His baseball cards are epic:

Eye-black for the tops of your eyes.

Stops the glare from the dirt and grass,
might just catch on.

Almost like he doesn't know it's there.

Like a prank taken to a whole other level.

We mean a whole, whole other level.

And now, for a bonus, PengoSports' favorite two baseball cards:

Keith Comstock's 'baseball to the groin' classic from 1989.

Bob Uecker's 'I'm batting left handed' wonder card.

One of the few cards in the PengoSports Vault.

The Perfect Shots!

2011-04-13T09:59:00.004-06:00

Sports photography is all about being in the right place at the right time and being prepared for the shot. Well, well, well. If that is the case PengoSports just nailed these two!

Pretty sweet! It's all in the reflexes.

Well, this is a bit awkward. Is it Prostate Awareness Month?
(Number blurred to protect the innocent)

Lidsville!

2011-04-12T16:24:00.005-06:00

"In the middle of the summer, in the middle of a park,
There began a great adventure for a boy whose name was Mark
He had come to see the magic man, along with all the children and
'twas so began the day that Mark was never to forget..."

New PengoSports feature, the "Hat-O-the-Homestand":

We will post several of the best hats from the ballyard each homestand and you, yes you, get to vote for the bestestess!

Here are our first ~~two~~ three! entries:

A) The Tie-dyed Hipster in a Bear Bryant hat.

B) The Human-Jack with black nails wearing an Angels' shirt.

C) Mr. Vandalized-Head! Wow! And out in public!

Tough choice. Vote in the comments below.

Good luck and God speed...

"...If you have a chance to go-go there
You'll be glad you did, 'cause
Everybody who goes to Lidsville really flips his lid"

Quick Sherman! To the Wayback Machine!

2011-04-07T13:05:00.002-06:00

Baseball is in the air! The Sky Sox open their season today and PengoSports would like to share this humble look back on the team's first incarnation in 1950.

Story and pictures from the
May 22, 1950 edition of Life Magazine

click on pics to embiggen

And because we care, here is a picture of a freaky totem:

I love to watch you sleep.

Speak of Yourself in the Third Person Day

2011-02-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

To honor the greatness and self-indulgence that is the Super Bowl, the Government of the United Nations of the World has declared February 6, 2011, A Salute to Illeism: Speak of Yourself in the Third Person Day.

Illeism - The act of referring to oneself in the third person. Someone who practices illeism is an illeist. Adjective: illeistic. Etymology: From the Latin, "that man".

So, at your Super Bowl party, proclaim proudly your name, annoy your friends and let the world know the joys of irritating speech and become the illeist that you've always wanted to be.

Hockey Commercials - 3 Hella Great Ones!

2011-01-04T20:52:00.002-07:00

New SportsCenter commerical: Ovie's a spy!

A couple of dancin' Sedins.

A classic. Simply a classic. If you've played you know the 'smell' all too well...

Hockey Fight with British Accents

2010-12-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

Here is a full out hockey brawl in the UK Elite League:

Pretty good scrap! And totally classed up with the British accents. We love how the announcers direct the cameras to the action and deliver their harsh verdicts on the guilty. Bra-vo gentlemen! BRA-VO!

Cobras Get McDaniels

2010-12-06T20:53:00.002-07:00

(Here is the PengoSport take on Shanahan's firing in December of 2008. It pretty much works as written for McDaniels except for a few bits here and there):

In a stunning development the Denver Broncos owner, Pat Bowlen, pushed ~~Mike Shanahan~~ Josh McDaniels into a cobra pit on Tuesday afternoon effectively ended his reign as head coach, king and chief fu*k up of the under-performing team .

Shanahan lead the Broncos to two Super Bowl titles in his 14 year tenure as coach, but floundered greatly after his personal muse, and the franchise's true leader, John Elway retired in 1999. The "Mastermind" tried to deflect blame for years by hiring and firing countless coaches ~~and signing and cutting so many worthless players that the team became a metaphor for choking down the stretch (they really Broncoed that ending!).~~ McDaniels won a few games to start and then spiraled into a vortex of suck so bad that he was fired before the end of his 2nd season.

We fans thank Coach ~~Shanahan~~ McDaniels for ~~the Super Bowl wins~~ nothing ~~but~~ and it was time for a change. Sorry it had to be cobras but you had been warned throughout the season so cobras it was. Good luck with ~~the Browns, or Jets, or Chiefs, or Lions, or wherever~~ the Patriots (just don't start winning at Mile High once you are gone you bastard! You made such a nice habit of losing there the last few years).

Now a note to Pat Bowlen, don't fu*k this up! Spend the coin and hire Cowher! Give him the control he wants and get him in here! ~~Shananhan was a pretty good coach~~ McDaniels was a pretty bad coach and if you try to replace him with some worthless college fu*k or a has-been piece of sh*t NFL retread you can just go ahead and get fu*ked! OK? Thank you. As*hole (Invesco Field. You'll always be a cu*t for that one. Make it Cowher and Mile High and you can wear that girl-coat of yours again and we promise not to make fun of you rich ass. I mean it, we promise!).

Hey Josh! Try Some ex-lax, I Hear It Gives You the Runs

2010-10-05T23:04:00.002-06:00

So those fu*k-tard-tastic Denver Broncos won a game. Wooooooo! PengoSports had a post planned for last Sunday titled, "A Sunday of Suck", to discuss the Broncos and Rockies incredible day, but the booze from the Grand Final Party was still having it's way with us. So you have to settle for a bitch filled rant about a pretty good win. Here we go...

Peyton Hillis running in Cleveland's juggernaut offense.

RUN! FORREST! RUN! Dammit! We said run! Don't just fall down now! RUN! Sh*t.

~~Moreno~~, ~~Malrony~~, ~~Buckholder~~, ~~White~~, ~~Humphries~~, ~~Wilhite~~, ~~Keyworth~~, anyone? ANYONE? To be fair it doesn't look like the O-line could run block their way out of an old-folks home. Granted they were giving Orton good protection, WERE! 6 sacks later and all we can say is, "YOU SUCK!".

Even with no one on defense this running play lost 3 yards.

The Broncos are 2-2, but could easily be 4-0, 3-1 or 1-3 (thanks to the Seahawks for being so bad that everyone can look back on that game and say it could only have been a win).

Dying of heat exhaustion in Jacksonville. The Tebow was not the college flavored Timbo, but the new and not so great pro-version and could do nothing. Loss. Should have won, but loss. Denver does not play well in Florida.

Win against Seattle.

Indy. Indy. Indy. Chr*st! They had that no good bastard Manning dead and buried and let him go by butchering nearly every attempt in the RedZone (still the best channel in the history of mankind!). ARRRRRRGGGH!

Tennessee. It was a good win. Hopefully it super-pissed off that cheap-shot team, their cheap-shot teaching coaches (middle-finger to everyone!) and their hillbilly fans:

Titan's D-Coordinator, Chuck Cecil, counts to one
( and pays out $40,000).

Now it's on to Baltimore and them murderin' thug Ravins. Um. This will be a loss, there will be no running game again and Kyle Orton will probably die. Rock on Broncos! Rock on!

Hey. It's the Ravin's D just a waitin' for Kyle Orton.

Aussie Rules Explained!

2010-09-23T16:20:00.002-06:00

Coming to watch the footy Grand Final? Unsure what Aussie Rules is all about? Well if PengoSports had only one image to explain the game this would be it:

Hope this helps. See you at the Grand Final party and enjoy the footy!

Aussie Rules Football Grand Final Viewing Party!!!

2010-09-01T20:48:00.001-06:00

It is that time of the year again! PengoSports' Christmas, 4th of July and Guy Fawkes Day all rolled into one! It's the 2010 Australian Rules Football Grand Final Viewing Party LIVE on ESPN Classic at the Hooters.

Join us for some real football, great company and wacked accents while we watch the World's Greatest Game!

Great food, drink and a chance to win some fabulous prizes:

Giveaways from the Australian Football League!
Giveaways from Fosters, including a sweet Fosters' bar light!
Giveaways from Hooters!
$2 pints of Fosters all night long!

Hooters' Happy Hour starts at 10:00 pm with:

Domestic pints $2!
10 famous Hooters' wings for $4!
Cheese sticks for $3
Deep fried pickles for $2.25

Everyone is welcome. Rules will be explained. No dingos allowed.

Awww! It's a kitty! And a drunk.

You are almost guaranteed to see one of the above.

He did not attend the Grand Final party.

Don't be him.

Tebow! Tebow!

2010-08-29T11:30:00.001-06:00

No. Really. Two Tebows.

Tebow! Tebow!! Tebows!!!

What are the odds of two dudes named Tebow (and wearing their jerseys at that) attending a Sky Sox game? We're glad they had a chance to relax before the big exhibition game against the Steelers. We hear it's going to be a long night of totin' clipboard(s) for him(s).

Twice the Tebows at the same low price! Yee! Haw!

Just Like Ancient Rome

2010-08-11T16:45:00.004-06:00

Clete Boyer #6 and Bob Uecker #9 in 1964.
Nice touch with the numbers gentlemen.

Paul P. #39 and Matt R. #40 in 2010.
39, 40, I don't get it.

A sports tradition, or a plague upon society? Discuss.

Tu-Lo! Stink-Eye!

2010-08-07T16:16:00.000-06:00

Troy Tulowitzki shot me with a Stink Eye! Why?! What did I ever do to him? Granted I was taking his picture, so if he comes from some primitive culture he could believe that in my photographing him I am stealing his soul, but I hear he's from California and it's weird there but not that weird. Maybe he hates me? Maybe he is jealous that I get to sit around taking photos while he has to run around and chase a ball? Hell, I don't know, but what I do know is that I DON'T LIKE STINK EYES! Knock it off or else there'll be some trouble for you! Like a curse! A gypsy curse on that pretty hair of yours! How'd you like to be bald? Or have a Skullet? Thought so.

I receive the Stink Eye from the Tu-Lo

The future beckons Troy. The future beckons.

Real Life Mystery of the Urinal Deuce

2010-08-05T01:06:00.027-06:00

What the? On the holiest of the holy, Dog Night at the ball yard, someone goes and drops a bomb into a urinal at the stadium (a big shout out to Marty G., who found the deuce and made the suggestion to photograph it. Urinal deuces can now officially be called Martys.). There are nothing but a bunch of savages in this town.

Hey. What's that in the urinal? Oh my fuc*in' God!
Someone dropped a deuce in there!

First urinal as you walk in. Don't people have shame any more? Christ! If you are going to do this at least wander to the far end, out of sight of God and all his children, and plop it there. Fuc*in' bastards! I feel violated.

Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon? ...

2010-07-22T00:38:00.002-06:00

What to expect from a press box meal? Burgers? Pizza? How about Outback Steakhouse? How about Outback Steakhouse that doesn't mail it in and serves a kick-ass, totally tasty dinner? Pretty sweet eh? Oh yeah. That what PengoSports thought. Outback has rocked the box all 4 times they have been called on this season. 4/4! Thems Halls-O-Fame numbers! Huzzah Outback!!! Huzzah! No dingos eating your babies on PengoSports' watch. We gots your back.

Most meals in the box are hit and miss. Hell, it's flippin' free so we can't bitch too much, except for the God damn IHOP! PANCAKES!!! You are a house of pancakes, so serve us some PANCAKES! Got it? OK. We will find out on Thursday, and so help me, if there aren't a whole sh*tload of pancakes waiting in the warming tray there will be a pancake related crime spree so huge that it will redefine how pancake related crime sprees are measured. Outback serves steak and chicken, and by God, when they cater, they serve, wait for it, STEAK & CHICKEN!

They even do chicken right! And veggies!
We'll all live an extra day because of those.

Cheese cake everytime! "God loves those who are right!"*

* An awesome quote from 1983 by one Scott Robinson. Who, frustrated after watching the Broncos getting continually jobbed by the refs, saw Denver finally get a break and score. Thus prompting Scott to scream this gem at the TV.

LIVE Footy Friday Night Extravaganza!!!

2010-07-05T13:49:00.005-06:00

Aussie Rules! Fast, hard hitting Southern Hemisphere excitement!

Aussie Rules football! Like it? Love it? Have no clue what the hell it is? It just doesn't matter. Come out to Hooters Citadel Mall at 10:00 pm on Friday night, July 9th, to watch the Geelong Cats take on the Hawthorn Hawks LIVE on ESPN2.

There will be happy hour specials from 10-Midnight - $2 domestic pints and 1/2 off selected appetizers, including 10 Hooters' World Famous hot wings for just $4! Come hungry (and thirsty) leave happy.

Aimee, the girl in the middle, shall be our waitress for the evening.

Whether you are a long time fan or just someone who wants to learn more about Aussie Rules everyone is welcome!

There Was an Optics Festival and I Wasn't Informed?

2010-07-04T01:48:00.009-06:00

So the jag-offs at ESPN2, and hell, let's throw in the Australian Football League while we are at it, seemed to have forgot to send out a press release announcing the LIVE Aussie Rules game, Richmond hosting Sydney, on said channel that started Friday at 10:00 pm (remember all times are MDT). PengoSports stumbled on the game just as the 3rd quarter ended and all we could mumble was, "what the fu*k?! There was an optics festival and I wasn't informed?" Oh. And, "SWEET! Aussie Rules on the ESPNs!".

The Optics Festival PengoSports almost missed.

At least PengoSports found the game and watched one massively great 4th quarter. The Tigers, down by 33 points late in the 3rd, fought back to take the game over the Swans, 89-85.

A cracker of a 4th quarter between the Tigers and the Swans

A Richmond player, Andrew Collins, was knocked out cold, had his teammates try to pick him up and get yelled at by the trainers to set him back down, and then the trainers picked him up and helped him stumble, Otis the Drunk style off the pitch. A couple of minutes later he appeared out of no where (the grave?), and caught a mark near the goal and quickly kicking a 6 to put the Tigers in a position to win the game. Quite refreshing after all the soccer handbag antics that we've been watching.

Sleeping. Soon to be awake and scoring goals

Think of all the poor footy fans in this great country missing out on the perfect Independence Day opener because no one bothered to inform them. So a great big PengoSports screw you to the bastards at the ESPN's and AFL (oh there is a live game on next Friday, July 9th, at 10:00 pm on ESPN2. Geelong take on Hawthorn as the push for the finals heats up.).

An angry mob out to get ESPN2 and the AFL

Hey. It's a Dude in a Little Cap.

2010-07-01T16:58:00.005-06:00

Why? Why Mr. Tacoma Rainiers reliever man Speigner? Why are you wearing a little cap? Is your head too big for a regular sized one? Did someone play a joke on you and steal your normal one? Or are you just a joker, a raconteur, a silly-man and wanted to "small up" your head wear for the attention? We may never know, but thanks for the pictures.

A ballplayer named Speigner wearing a small cap.

You have to have gone to the finest finishing schools to learn how to keep a cap perched on your head like that.

Fred Clark did not manage to pull off the little cap look.

While this sassy young lass (though it could be a dude) may have just pulled it off.

Small cap look WIN! Huzzah! Mr. Speigner! Huzzah!

Hangbags At Twenty Paces

2010-06-22T23:48:00.005-06:00

PengoSports does actually enjoy the soccer. We really do. Really! But they make it so easy to rip on them. Hell, just look at France. Or, or, well most soccer teams do seem to have a "not so fresh moment" every game don't they? Don't they?! Thought so. And now for your viewing enjoyment:

Come on soccer. Are you just gonna lay there and take that?

You are? Well, hopefully this will make you feel better:

The dude with the pit bull, Jonny Wilkerson, hero for England's 2003 Rugby World Cup championship team.

And this ad may be for rugby, or soccer or just kicking:

Thank you. Just thought that needed to be said. Now you can all go back to your soccer watchin'.

Vuvuzela-tastic!!!

2010-06-14T17:02:00.009-06:00

First open this link in a new tab and let it play in the backgroud: Vuvuzelas

Ahhhhh! The sweet sound of, of, of, oh, screw it! It's just the sound of a sh*tload of annoying little fu#ks with plastic horns. It just screams SOCCER! Doesn't it?

Soccer. The World's Game!

It's World Cup time and that means PengoSports, PengoFans, PengoReporters and just general Pengos will be in PengoHeaven every day for a month! It's PengoRiffic! (for the rest of you, WELCOME TO HELL!).

The big news! USA beats England 1-1!!! Yeah us! Yeah.

England attacks the USA defensive zone in exciting soccer action!

It was a terrible game. Just terrible. But the US tied the bloody Brits and took an undeserved point so they still have hope, until they choke against Slovenia and/or Algeria, to advance to the knockout stage, where, if they advance, they will be knocked out early. Success for the USA is to make it to this stage, not to win the whole damn thing, and that is one of the reason soccer fails in this country. Americans understand winning and losing, not ties. If we can't win the whole thing why care? So, with that said, World Cup fever has gripped the nation and the vast majority of the populous is frantically looking for some ibuprofen to help get rid of the annoying ache and resume watching NASCAR, or basketball, or baseball, or the dog rub its ass on the carpet, anything but soccer.

Even a stinkin' cat can see that the goal keeper totally cocked that up.

Heh. Heh, heh. Heh, heh, heh! It says, "DONG".

I get it. Actually I don't. What is this product "DONG" and why advertise it at a soccer match? (It does seem the perfect sponsor for the sport). PengoSports could use the internets to see that DONG is an energy company out of Denmark and that is not that funny (energy companies, as a rule, are not humorous. Maybe if they were a subsidiary of WANG Computers, or Siemens Medical, now that would be a laugh riot, but they are not, so it's not.) So, we here at PengoSports have decided that "DONG" means wiener and those crazy Danes are really, really into wieners. Funny. Let CSI Copenhagen know this case is now closed.

And speaking of DONGs, here's a little something from our friends at The Onion:

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

A big thank you to The Onion for calling it like it is. Everything seems to make more sense now with that in the open. Now we can finally move on.

Hey, look! Someone must have almost scored again.

(Truth be told, PengoSports enjoys the soccer. At World Cup level it is an entertaining sport that is occasionally ruined by its players).

Damn Squirrels (and Catchers)!

2010-06-01T17:30:00.021-06:00

Hey look! It's a shot of a play at the plate! I love these, oh, wait. What the hell is that dangling down on the catcher? Aww, sh*t!!! Thanks for ruining my shot douche (not really. The catcher, who's shall remain nameless, to protect his privacy, is a good guy and is OK in PengoSports' book!).

Click on photo to see the "cup" in action!

Oh well. He was out and that's what really counts (Liar! The photo is the only thing that counts! Who wants to see a cup?).

Watch out! Good thing you covered those nuts or this squirrel could be deadly!

Did He Touch It?

2010-05-24T20:44:00.003-06:00

Do you touch the conference championship trophy or just let it be. Hockey tradition suggests leave it be. It is not what you are after. You only want the big cup and if you touch the little one a curse falls upon your house. Two years ago Pens captain Sydney Crosby kept his hands to himself and Pittsburgh got bounced by the Wings (who's captain Nick Lidstrom did not touchy his trophy as well). Last year Syd touched, lifted and paraded the thing around the ice and the Penguins went on to beat the Wings (who again did not touch theirs). So what did our two new contestants do this year?

Touching the "Trophy" brought the good Cap'n a lovely lady!

On Saturday for the Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews it was just let it be. Toews acted like the Campbell Trophy was a bag-o-super-fresh-sh*t and got the hell away from it as fast as possible. Tradition served.

Flyers' captain Mike Richards picked up the Prince of Wales Trophy and skated off to the locker room like he stole it. Tradition? Ha! Take that!

So is it good luck? Bad luck? Or just a fu*kin' trophy and it will all depend on the talent and effort of the teams the play for the Stanley Cup? We'll know in a couple of weeks.

So girls? I see your answer is to "touch" the trophy.

Now it is Chicago v Philadelphia. Flyers against the Blackhawks. The Windy City and the city of Brotherly Love. Corruption Midwest style or Corruption East Coast style. A green river on St. Pats or Booing Santa Claus at Christmas. PengoSports sez, "Go Hawks!"

2010 Stanley Cup Finals Schedule

Saturday, May 29	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC
Monday, May 31	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC
Wednesday, June 2	at Philadelphia, 6 p.m.	VERSUS
Friday, June 4	at Philadelphia, 6 p.m.	VERSUS
*Sunday, June 6	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC
*Wednesday, June 9	at Philadelphia, 6 p.m.	NBC
*Friday, June 11	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC

Was It Heaven or One Hell of a Wasted Weekend?

2010-05-24T16:46:00.006-06:00

Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee...

I Fought the Couch and the Couch Won. The Day of the Sloth. The Great Big Nothing. Or Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory! What should PengoSports call the weekend of May 22 & 23, 2010? What did we do to deserve naming our weekend you ask ? Well, if you must know, we spent the weekend watching 20+ hours of sports on TV and the interwebs. 16 hours on Saturday and another 4+ on Sunday. Was it heaven? Nope. A lot of it sucked. But it had to be done and it beat the hell out of actually doing something constructive.

Prepared for a long couple of days.

All games rated on the PengoSports 10 cobra scale -

0 cobras = great/you live to 10 cobras = sucked/you die

Saturday - (all times, are of course, MDT)

8:00 am - Soccer on to ESPN3.com - Cardiff v Blackpool
A 2nd division (call the Championship) playoff to determine who would be playing in the Premier League next year. Blackpool wins 3-2.
Great game - 0 cobras!

9:00 am - Rugby Union on BBC.com live text - Biarritz v Toulouse
Heineken Cup Final by blog on the BBC website. In an all French final Toulouse defeated a game Biarritz side 21-19 in front of 80,000 fans at the Stade de France in Paris.

Not shown on TV. Reading bad - 6 cobras.

11:00 am - Soccer on FSC - Champions League Final pregame
It's the soccer Superbowl! Oh, and it's European! How gay can this pregame be? Surprisingly less gay than the NFL's. Fox Soccer Channel picked up the Sky Sports feed from the UK and wasted 90 minutes of my life.

Thanks for nothing as*holes! - 9 cobras.

12:10 pm - baseball on FSN RM - Colorado Rockies v Kansas City Royals
The Rockies broke their losing streak and Jeff Francis looked like the 2007 Jeff Francis, which is good, winning 3-0.
Rock-o-de-Mayo! - 3 cobras just because the Rocks need to break out and a good cobra-ing might be just the thing to do it.

12:30 pm - Cricket on ESPN3.com - New Zealand v Sri Lanka
Pearls Cup Twenty20 international test match from Florida. Twenty20 cricket is the new, "exciting", brand of the sports that looks a hell of a lot like the old,"boring", brand but without the breaks for lunch, tea, dumps, etc...

Still not getting the cricket - 5 sleeping cobras. Don't wake them or they'll bite, but since you play cricket you won't have to worry about that.

12:45 pm - Soccer on Fox - Inter Milan v Bayern Munich
Champions League final on Fox?! Way to go Fox! The game was average, but them foreigners sure do like them some soccer and the crowd made it quite entertaining! Inter won 2-0 on a couple of great goals by Argentine Diego Milito.
Gooooooaaaaallllllllll!!!!!!!! - 2 cobras for the game and 8 extra bitey cobras for Inter manager Jose Mourinho who is a prick (but a hell of a manager).

1:00 pm - Hockey on NBC - Philiadelphia at Montreal
Hockey. Playoff hockey. Playoff hockey in Montreal. Heaven. Flyers' goalie Michael Leighton pitching another doughnut in net. Ian Laperriere grinding it out in his first game back since rerererearranging his face on a shot in round one. Bullies over the Habs 3 rip.
God I love this game! - 0 cobras. Cobras bite hockey players then crawl away to die.

Halftime of the Champions League final - Chicken and broccoli from the China Gourmet!

Best Chinese in town! Never ever a cobra. Really! They are cobra-free!

Well fed and bleary eyed we travel into the late afternoon...

4:00 pm - Women's soccer on ESPN2 - USA v Germany

Why chick's soccer? Well it was two of the best teams in the world, but to be honest, it was on and I really don't have a good answer. USA 4 - Germany 0.

I'd rather watch MLS - 7 cobras. Dammit! Speed it up a tad girls! This is like watching paint dry.

5:00-7:00 pm - Softball, hockey, baseball, basketball...whatever was on.

Time to play clicker roulette! NCAA softball, NOOOOOO! Click. Baseball, eh. Click. Replay of the Memorial Cup semi, Brandon Wheatkings v Calgary Hitmen, YES! Wheatkings win! Wheatkings win! Click. Hey, it's the Magic at the Celtics, click. No basketball! God damn! Has there been more than one decent game in this year's playoffs? Thought not. NBA. You suck a*s! Oh, and while I'm at it, nice heart Nuggets! Choke much? Oh yeah, that's all you do. Click.
10 cobras. 10 angry cobras. Bite, bite my pretties! Bite, bite!

7:00 pm - NRL rugby league on Altitude - Dragons v Bulldogs, + highlights!

Yes it looks like it was filmed by Aquaman. And yes it is hard to follow if you don't know the sport. But hey it's rugby league from Australia and it's an awesome sport and it's pretty damn cool to watch (even with the Aquaman angle).

The video referee says, "TRY"! 5 cobras for production values and for it being taped delayed, but 0 cobras for the rugby!

9:00 pm - Hoops & Sportscenter on ESPN

Who would have guessed that the Magic would fold like a cheap suit against the Celtics. I will say that Rondo is a gamer. He could play on my team anytime. Dude is badass! But he plays basketball so sucks to be him.

1000 pm - Aussie Rules LIVE on ESPN2 - Carlton v Hawthorn
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Live Australian football back on the ESPN's! Fast, rough and high scoring! Gots to love the footy! Hawthorn wins it going away. Life is good with live Aussie Rules back on real TV!

A dingo did not eat your baby! 0 cobras! Yes!

The night ended at 1:00 am. That's an hour to jump start Sunday:

12:10 pm - baseball on FSN RM - Rockies at Royals
Rocks rock a Cy Young winner! Rock and roll boys! Colorado 11 KC 7.
Tired of the baseball - 5 cobras just for the heck of cobraing.

1:00 pm - hockey on NBC - Hawks v Sharks
Chicago is going back to the finals for this first time since '92. Good on you Blackhawks! And thanks for the same old same old San Jose. Time to ditch Nabby and find a goalie that can carry the playoff weight. You are a team with too much talent to choke year after year. Chicago 4 San Jose 2. Hawks sweep the series.
Sweet home Chicago! 0 cobras.

Done and done. 20+ hours and out!

Footy on the Deuce!

2010-05-19T20:51:00.006-06:00

Tickets are going fast for the LIVE Aussie Rules match on ESPN2!

It's back! Live (regular season) Australian Rules Football is back on the ESPNs! Tune in Saturday night at 10:00 PM MDT on ESPN2 to witness the glory! Carlton hosts Hawthorn on this epic night! (just don't check the standings, ladder, because it's 5th vs. 14th and not a regular season battle for the ages. But hey. We're not bitching. Live footy is live footy and we'll take it). So dammit! Just watch the game. Have your friends watch. Have your enemies watch. The more of you that watch the better the chance for more footy for this Pengo in the future.

The Hawthorn Hawks go on the attack!
(Subliminal insert - waaaaattttchhhh the gaaaammmme! Wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaattcccccchhhhhhhhhh it! Thanks eh!)

Carlton v. Hawthorn in rough and tumble footy excitement!

And now, here's a clown and a terrified child:

PengoSports, and our happy friend above on the left, would recommend you watch the match Saturday night. And on Monday you will email ESPN and thank them for showing it. We want more footy on TV and we don't want to seem rude and ungrateful do we? DO WE?! Thought so. Mr. Chuckles will now visit someone else while they sleep.

It's the Right Mood for a Bat Fight!

2010-05-15T21:35:00.011-06:00

The perfect at bat song for any would be player that has the courage to step up with Will Ferrell and engage in a "Bat Fight"!

It might be wise, if playing the video at the old ballyard, to exclude the beat down and possible death of Mr. Ferrell (2:34-3:45 of the clip). The rest? Family friendly gold!

What Kind of Man Flips Off a Defenseless Manimal/Mascot?

2010-05-15T16:08:00.006-06:00

What in the Hell! Just what in the Hell kind of world are we living in where baseball relief pitchers can just lounge around and flip the bird*, or birds as this case seems to be, at pro sports, granted minor league pro sports, mascots?

The face of the mascot was blacked out to protect his identity.

You can see in the background, kind of, that a player is saluting the poor creature with not just one, but two fingers!

Artist's visualization of what the culprit actually looked like.

*Photos used in this story may have been altered, enhanced, changed, etc. to back up the report.

Santa Fight Tonight!

2010-05-14T16:12:00.001-06:00

Islanders hosting the Rangers. Anyone dressed as Santa gets in free. Isles management expecting 500 Santas and instead more than a 1000 show up. Did I mention that they were playing the Rangers? As in New York Rangers? Well, Ranger Santas appear, Islander Santas show their displeasure. The result? Pure gold!

Old Time Hockey! (and Crappy Basketball)

2010-05-10T20:46:00.093-06:00

Stanley Cup playoffs or NBA playoffs. Which are better? Come on. Do you even have to think about it? The Flyers heart or the Cavs lack of anything close to that? Montreal battling from an 8th seed to the conference finals, or all the losing teams in the NBA playoffs mailing in a result? Grit, courage, toughness and fire, or 112-71 blowouts? Your choice. I'm not saying there is a wrong answer, but if you answer NBA your tickets for the ice capades are waiting for you at will call. Oh, and your panties are showing.

Now for your viewing enjoyment, an couple of clips to demonstrate the difference:

In the first video Toronto's Darcy Tucker pretty much destroys Philadelphia's Sami Kapanen about 7 minutes into overtime of game 6 in the 2004 Eastern Conference semi finals. Did Kamanen stay down? Call for the trainer? Quit? Hell no he didn't! He somehow wobbled, weaved and flopped himself back to the Flyers bench, keeping the play alive, and Philadelphia scored a couple of rushes later to clinch the series on the road. Wow! I will say it again, WOW!

The second video is the extended version with the hit, the post hit action and the goal. The action part runs from 2:37-3:25. The Flyers total respect and awe for Kapanen runs from 3:48-4:27. WOW! Just fricken WOW!

And to defend the NBA? Mr. Paul Pierce of the Boston Celtics, coming back from the dead, to do whatever the f*#k he thought he would do. Did Pierce think he would pull another Willis Reed? Well first you have to be injured. I mean really injured, like a torn thigh muscle injured. Then you have to show some balls and come out and try to play, sink your only two shots, and leave the floor as a legend. Paul Pierce, I watched Willis Reed, I respected Willis Reed, Willis Reed was a man. Mr. Pierce, you're no Willis Reed.

Now watch the craptasticness.

You're Not a "House of Pancakes" Without Pancakes!

2010-05-03T14:59:00.003-06:00

Damn you IHOP! Damn you straight to Hell!

The press box menu reads IHOP and when you see IHOP what do you think? Pancakes! Muther-frippin' pancakes! Some of the best pancakes around! And what was waiting in the aluminum warming things? French toast that's what! Stinkin' Freedom Toast! Aaarrrrgh! You are the International House of Pancakes not the International House of Toasts! If the United Kingdom can package pancakes like Twinkies and still make them quite tasty the least you can do is include some in your catering package! The word of the day is P-A-N-C-A-K-E-S. Consider this your first and final notice.

The Freedom toast was a little gummy, but still tasty with your awesome syrups, which this Pengo thought was coffee and found out the hard way with an unpleasant taste and consistency surprise that they were not. From now on syrup in syrup containers not coffee cups please.

The scrambled eggs were scrambled eggs. Light and fluffy. Fresher would have been better but a good source of protein nonetheless.

The bacon was decent. PengoSports cannot get on the bacon bandwagon. It is just crispy pig and every time I eat it I expect my heart to explode. Sorry. Just can't get past the chew, chest pain, chew, chest pain thing. Now if we are talking back bacon, or Canadian bacon, that stuff is the sh*t! No chest pains there!

Sausage links? Little bullets of flavor!

Overall rating - Single, advances to second on an error.

This is the first in a series of reviews of press box food provided to members of the Forth Estate before Colorado Springs Sky Sox home games at beautiful Security Service Field. Great thanks to the Mikes with the Sky Sox PR Dept for the help in maintaining my fat.

Springtime in the Rockies!

2010-04-22T16:13:00.003-06:00

What can you say about the weather?

"It's Springtime in the Rockies!" That's what!

Joe Frazier and His "Knockouts"

2010-03-09T10:46:00.001-07:00

This is the coolest thing I've ever seen! I wish Mr. Peabody would take me in his Wayback Machine to 1972 so I could experience the incredible that this would have been! And all at $5 a ticket! Here's $10. PengoSports is down at both shows!!!

Well. That's that.

2010-01-03T18:29:00.008-07:00

Dear Denver Broncos,

Thank for the choke job. Thanks a whole hell of a lot you worthless bastards! At least now we don't have to watch your epic destruction on a playoff level. We only had to watch, with bleached eyes, the last ten weeks of monumental suckatude. So congrats losers! Have a great off-season! You've had a lot of practice doing a whole bunch of nothing lately.

Hey Broncos! Screw you!

2009-12-20T21:00:00.007-07:00

The Raiders? No one has to try against the Raiders.

A great big screw you to the Denver Broncos for playing not to lose, kicking 4 field goals, and losing to the tard-tastic Raiders today!

Here are some cobras for your Christmas:

Bite bite my pretties! Start with that arrogant bastard Josh McDaniels and work your way down from there.

Tiger Woodses at the Football

2009-10-08T21:44:00.007-06:00

Watching the UFL, that new football league no one knew was around and will be gone before we know it, and noticed the refs all bought their outfits from the Tiger Woods Sunday Collection (and the teams seem to have found theirs at some kind of award show that portrays football as the gayest thing ever).

The kick is up...

...and it's good!

Watch the UFL on Versus before it's gone, and it will be gone soon. By the way, the game was the California Redwoods (who have no red in their uniforms), coached by Denny Green vs Las Vegas Locomotives, called the Locos (insane? We guess that is apt for a Vegas team) and coached by Jim Fassel. The Locos went all batsh*t crazy on the Redwoods and defeated them 30-17 in front of a couple of thousand people in a game that was not half bad. If fact, it was better than a lot of NFL games (unless watched on NFL RedZone where there are no bad games).

PengoSports gives the UFL a thumbs up if you have nothing better to do on a Thursday night after watching the Avs choke a third period lead and lose their first game of the season.

UFL Football Excitment Action Fun-Fest Supergaza!

NFL RedZone!

2009-09-13T11:30:00.005-06:00

Yeah to the NFL RedZone channel.

Hey football junkies! NFL RedZone, every touchdown, every score, is on Colorado Springs Comcast channel 185! This channel is too sweet but you need to have the Sports Package, $5.00 a month, to get the goodness.

You get not only the scores, but it's a channel of cut ins! It takes all of that hard work out of channel surfing. You just sit back and they surf for you showing you all the good parts! Rock on!

Livin' the good life!

Rugby League! Almost LIVE!

2009-09-11T20:36:00.009-06:00

Well. Well. Well. Would you look at what the MMA & T*ts channel (SPIKE) went ahead and did? Rugby league. National Rugby League from Australia is what they did. It's on! Is it Live!? No. But we get to watch a game a week during the playoffs plus the Grand Final, and that's better that in sharp stick in the eye ain't it?

There will be a Finals Series game shown Friday the 11th, 18th & 25th at 9:00 pm (about a 14 hour delay) and the Grand Final will be shown on Sunday, October 4th at 9:00 am (only a couple of hours after the game ends). Not bad for a last minute pick up by the Spike TV folks.

Tonight's game is the Melbourne Storm v the Manly Warringah Sea Eagles. If you want to watch the games live you can go to omnisports.tv and pay $5.99 a game. Unless you're an expat that blows. So screw you Omnisports.tv and HUZZAH! to Spike TV!

Grand Final Viewing Party at the Hooters!

2009-09-07T18:17:00.013-06:00

It's on! Friday, September 25th @ 9:30 pm. The 2009 Australian Rules Football Grand Final LIVE on ESPN Classic at the Hooters.

Happy Hour starts at 10:00 pm with:

domestic pints $2
10 famous Hooters' wings for $4
cheese sticks for $3
deep fried pickles for $2.25
Hell! We may even fry up some candy bars & twinkies for $4!
And, of course, Fosters Beer specials and giveaways all night long!

Everyone is welcome. Rules will be explained. No dingos allowed.

A good time is almost guaranteed, so get ready to eat and drink so much that when you try to leave you'll get stuck between two parked cars.

Bit of a tight squeeze for Frank Cannon after watching the footy.

Jump Around!

2009-08-27T21:12:00.007-06:00

Mascot school final exams are coming up and it looks like all the boys in the bullpen are going to graduate!

Thursday, August 27

Friday, August 28th

Good luck Chicken! Good luck Phanatic! Good luck Giant Sausage! Our nation's mascot future is in good hands.

Hulk Like Footy

2009-08-12T19:32:00.003-06:00

The Greatest Pre-Game Speech Ever!

2009-08-11T14:07:00.005-06:00

The US team was fresh off the 4-3 Miracle on Ice defeat of the USSR and needed to beat Finland to win the Gold in the 1980 Olympics. Does Herbie congratulate them? Does Herbie tell them to go out there and have fun? No! Herbie punches them right in the knobs! Talk about summing it up in just a few words. It would have been an honor to play for that man.

Talk About Intense!

2009-08-11T13:55:00.002-06:00

Rugby League in Australia. State of Origin is a 3 game, in season, all star series between players from New South Wales and Queensland. It is teammate vs teammate. Friend vs friend. To play for your state in Origin means more to the players than any championship game. It is intense. It is awesome! It is war! It is Origin football!

He Called Us Names!

2009-08-11T13:32:00.004-06:00

Another great locker room speech.
And yes, the answer is Jebus.

Do You Like the Soccer?

2009-08-10T23:11:00.012-06:00

What the hell is wrong with you?! Oh well. I guess it's OK that you're that way. Live and let live is what we say. And if you like the soccer you'll probably be wanting to watch the Mexico v USA qualifier on August 12th won't you? Sad thing is that unless you happen to be named Kreskin you'll need a divining rod and a bag of apples to find it!

The douches that be at USA Soccer!

Soccer, the Nancy-boy sport extraordinaire, has made the brilliant choice to air Wednesday's English language broadcast of the Mexico v USA World Cup qualifier on some sh*thole channel called mun2, owned by NBC Universal and an offshoot of Telemundo (moon dos, get it? It's funny Spanish for world). Way to go USA Soccer! The biggest game of the the year and you license it to a channel that only Latinos know exists! Hope you got a sh*tload of cash for that bit of marketing genius because it is not going to do squat to help the grow of the game in mainstream America! The game is being carried in Spanish on Telemundo, the big brother of mun2, so the Mexico fans already have a platform to watch the match while the USA supporters will be cursing and meandering all over the dial, ESPN, ESPN2 Fox Soccer, O is for Oprah, etc..., only to find fu*k all and get more disillusioned about the already lame sport.

Fear not fans! PengoSports is always ready with the knowledge:

mun2 - Comcast channel 282 in Colorado Springs
DirectTV channel 410
Dish Network channel 838

Comcast customers in the Denver Metro area, NO mun2 for you!

Mexico v USA! Plus bears!

Game time is Wednesday, August 12 @ 2:00 PM MDT.

Azteca Stadium in Mexico City is a hellhole for the US to play in (the fans throw baggies of urine at the players! Baggies?! Can't they afford fu*kin' water ballons! Show some class as*holes!). The US National team has only managed 1 tie and a sh*tload of losses in the last thousand years. Doesn't look good for the boys in red, white and blue. So, they'll just have to hike up their skirts, wear their best heels and put on their faces, the time for losin' is over! The time to go and kick some pig flu infected ass is upon them!

They had to pee real bad. Now let's throw it at Donovan!

Oh Mister Grant!

2009-08-05T16:11:00.007-06:00

Asner, Knotts, some chick, a mule and the "Oyage!!" guy!

Who out there can't help but tear up at the thought of the greatest sports movie of all time (that involved a field goal kicking mule)? God Gus was great! Oyage! Oyage indeed!

Take That You Damn Kids!

2009-07-29T16:34:00.008-06:00

Australian Football. What a great game!

The New Phone Book's Here!

2009-07-25T17:37:00.006-06:00

Catch LIVE Australian Football excitement tonight for FREE!!!

From AFL.com.au

Are you keen to watch all the round 17 AFL action live?

Well you can, right here, on afl.com.au.

With AFL matches no longer available on the Setanta Network in some territories, BigPond Sport is giving AFL fans the chance to stream every AFL game live to their desktop ... free from any subscription costs.

Now, that free service has been extended to footy fans in Ireland, the USA and Canada for the critical Rivalry Round.

Click here to enjoy the weekend’s matches!

Weekend Schedule
Note that times indicated are local with Greenwich Mean Time shown in brackets.

Sunday, July 26
Melbourne v Sydney Swans at Manuka Oval, 1.10pm (0310 GMT 910 PM MDT)
Essendon v Richmond at the MCG, 2.10pm (0410 GMT 1010 PM MDT)
Adelaide v Port Adelaide at AAMI Stadium, 4.10pm (0710 GMT 110 AM MDT)
Watch Live

Note: This service is only available to viewers in the UK, Ireland, the USA and Canada.

Snots 4 the Memories

2009-07-09T21:25:00.004-06:00

Nice going ya bastards at Altitude and KSE! In your greed to get that bullsh*t, emotional shot you only succeeded in scaring a little Sakic for life.

Sorry about this young Sakic. Once the die is cast PengoSports must report. Next time grab that lady's tissue and go for the nose. Although that was a pretty sweet snot-sickle.

All Hail the Rally Rake!

2009-07-08T13:42:00.011-06:00

It's the second week of July and the Colorado Springs Sky Sox, the AAA affiliate of the Colorado Rockies, are leading the PCL Pacific North division by 5.5 games. It should be more but the Sox just dropped 3 straight to the Portland Beavers (Heh heh heh. He said Portland.). This is a team that hasn't won fu*k all since forever (Hey Rockies! Thanks for suckin') and are now poised to make a run for the playoffs. They question is why this team? Why now?

Enter the Rally Rake. The bullpen crew, namely Ryan Speier, Damian Moss and Kurt Birkins, started worshiping a groundskeepers rake, treating it with reverence and the love it needed, and the rake, like all things magic, is paying them back with victories and the blood of their vanquished.

Now just start taking the damn thing on roadtrips and all will be well in the world.

Thems Kids Can Really Rake

2009-06-30T14:30:00.008-06:00

Ryan Speier gives Damian Moss directions in the way of the rake.
(click pic to see pdf slides then click each slide to advance)

Make up your own caption:

Zen and the Art of Bullpen Mound Maintenance

Daniel San. Do 'rake the mound'!

Rake! Rake like the wind! Rake like you've never raked before!

Mental E-5

2009-06-24T12:16:00.019-06:00

10.12 Errors
The official scorer shall not score mental mistakes or misjudgments as errors unless a specific rule prescribes otherwise.

While watching the Rockies (Ian Stewart) butcher their way to a loss to the Angels last night PengoSports got to thinking, "why the fu*k not score something as a mental error?" Huh?! If you screw up you screw up. Mentally or physically should not matter. Why punish the pitcher for the brain-fart of another? It is time for the 'MENTAL ERROR' to be added to official scoring in baseball.

To the game:

In the 8th, with a man on first and no outs, Stewart fielded a sacrifice bunt, checked second base, saw no play, looked to first, double clutched and threw late to Todd Helton at first. No outs and men on first and second. That's a Mental E-5, or E-5 m. He spaced the speed of the batter and the double clutch caused the runner to be safe.

Next batter and another sacrifice bunt. Jimenez makes a great play off the mound, fields it, and whips it to an unprepared Stewart who fumbles his feet around, but not on, the bag and the runner is safe. Mental E-5. The rest is vintage old Rockies and that was the end of another win streak.

This is not a rant against Ian Stewart or any one fielder. It is a rant against a crappy rule. Make a bonehead play and get an 'E'. The ball drops between two slack jawed fielders, shortstop and second base for example, the team gets a Team Mental Error, or E Team-6/4. Pitchers would be happier, fielders are accountable, stat whores have a field day, and the truth is finally told.

Champagne and Hotdogs

2009-06-04T08:53:00.011-06:00

Overheard at a Colorado Springs Sky Sox game on a $2 Tuesday ($2 parking, $2 ticket, $2 beer, you get the picture):

"Before the Summer's out we got to get to that hot tub! You get like 12 (actually 8) people and they give you champagne and hotdogs and anything you want..."

World Famous Hot Tub - $300

8 Tickets

Complimentary bottle of champagne

Commemorative Hot Tub T-Shirt

Catered meal featuring hamburgers, hotdogs, chips and Pepsi products

Contact Ryan Stos @ (719) 304-5615 for further details.

If that ain't livin' I don't know what is. Champagne and hotdogs. Hell yes! He forgot to bring up the free t-shirt. That was a man who knows the good life.

Colorado Springs Sky Chefs ready the world famous hot tub!

Rockies Lose a Scapegoat

2009-05-29T16:26:00.005-06:00

After a lousy April and a crappy May the Colorado Rockies finally fired manager Clint Hurdle today. PengoSports never thought much of Hurdle as a manager, he over-managed the pitching staff and the team's execution was spotty at best, but he was a quality human being and always a stand up guy. He even showed up at his own firing press conference took the bullet and wished interim manager, Jim Tracy, good luck. Class. Yes it is possible to suck and have buckets of class. Good luck to you Clint. You will make some team an excellent hitting coach and some town an excellent citizen.

On a related note, MLB.com writer Thomas Harding reported that the Colorado Springs Sky Sox manager Tom Reynolds (it's Runnells asshat) was named the Rockies' new bench coach (he has since corrected it. The story was phoned in to MLB.com and the editor butchered it. Sorry Thomas. Your editor is the asshat). In the age of Google there is no excuse for this lazy crap. Come on MLB.com!

A big congrats to TR! Even though you will now have to go through life as Tommy Reynolds. At least this way if you owe money, are wanted by the feds or being hunted by the mob you are free and clear!

She "Bee" a Winner

2009-05-29T08:08:00.007-06:00

The PengoTheory pays off! Kavya "Alphabet" Shivashankar wins the spelling bee! If your kid has a bit*hin', hard to spell name get them to the nearest bee! (She won $40,000! It's like PowerBall for smart kids).

Huzzah Kavya! Huzzah! Now please move your head. I'm trying to watch TV.

Sting Like a Spelling Bee

2009-05-28T13:25:00.008-06:00

The finals of the National Spelling Bee are tonight on ABC, 7:00 PM MDT, and while this is still not a sport and still should not be on ESPN (the semis were on today), it gives us at PengoSports a chance to mock 12 and 13 year old kids that are smarter than we are and will eventually become far more successful than we could ever hope to (the wee bastards!).

(The spelling bee is just a freak show where we get to watch kids stressing out and acting like tools. Hell! They're kids. That's how they're suppose to act just don't put it on TV. The same thing goes for the Little League World Series. Do it without the television coverage. Let the kids play (spell) in front of family and friends and the world will never know what horrible bastards we adults are for doing this to them. I am tired of seeing stressed out kids crying to fulfill the dreams of some parents. At least the smart kids get some coin for college for the effort.)

If you ever wondered why these kids are such good spellers just look at their stinkin' names! From birth they were always having to spell these things for teachers, friends, the police, etc...Kyle and Tim, you don't have a chance! My money is on Aishwaryar, Kavya or Anamika.

When these kids get to college they will all go by the nickname of Alphabet (because they all seem to have every letter of the alphabet in their names, no one can pronounce the things, and oh yeah, they enjoy spelling). "Hey Alphabet! Move your giant head so I can see the TV!" or "Yo Alphabet! Thems some mad-phat spellin' skills you has! Now get me a beer."

Your contestants:

Speller No. 19, Ramya Auroprem
Speller No. 65, Serena Laine-Lobsinger
Speller No. 88, Kyle Mou
Speller No. 89, Aishwarya Pastapur
Speller No. 103, Kennyi Aouad
Speller No. 110, Kavya Shivashankar
Speller No. 139, Sidharth Chand
Speller No. 158, Tussah Heera
Speller No. 170, Neetu Chandak
Speller No. 201, Anamika Veeramani
Speller No. 276, Tim Ruiter

So goodluck to all the Alphabets plus Kyle and Tim!

Two Batmans

2009-05-15T17:01:00.008-06:00

Quote of the day:

"Mom! I want two Batmans so the Batmans can fight."
Some kid, overheard in the toy department at Ross (5/15/2009).

Yes. Please. Let the Batmans fight. While the kid did not mean for it to be sports related, it is about fighting. And cockfighting is a PengoSport. And batfighting would be better than cockfighting. And Batmans fighting would be the sh*t!

Aussie Rules!

2009-04-24T14:03:00.008-06:00

The AFL season is under way and here is a sweet commercial. That is an actual game. It's such a bad-assed sport that they have bulls, cars, etc. in a free for all across Australia. First team to kick it in the ocean wins.

Watch it. Get Setanta. Watch the footy.
See you in September.

Dance Monkey! Dance!

2009-04-23T13:12:00.009-06:00

What? It's a bear? Oh. Sorry. Dance Bear! Dance!

What's better than playoff hockey? Overtime playoff hockey that's what!

With that said, shame on you Versus! Shame on you NHL! Shame, shame! What's the deal with not showing every second of every game? How about just relevant seconds of a game? Games should be on Versus, the NHL Network, the Golf Channel, wherever! Just show the games! I had to wait for highlights of the Canes game winner over the Devils when all Versus was showing was the studio tools (sorry Mr. Jones. The studio tools and the great, please be nice to me, Keith Jones). Cut in live! Show the games! Showcase the sport! Live hockey, breathe hockey, show fu*kin' hockey! Versus stepped up on Thursday night and let us watch the last 6+ minutes of an entertaining 1-0 Devils victory. Huzzah to Versus! Now keep it up.

Speaking of Mr. Jones: what did the Habs' Mike Komisarek do to make him so angry? WOW!

Hootenanny Roundup Spectacular

2009-04-15T08:33:00.020-06:00

Since the Pengos that be have been slackin', here is a roundup of what we've missed while making the world safe for bananas, banana tycoons and banana related freaks everywhere:

Broncos Update: Jebus fu*king christmas! What the Wide, Wide World of Sports is going on here?!

1. Josh McDaniels - You go boy! It takes a child to show Bronco fans that a TEAM is not made by one player (unless that player be named John Elway, praise be his name). PengoSports had its doubts about the boy wonder but his first few months on the job helped to open our collective eyes, and he will be the man and the team will be alright. 9-7 in 2009, really tough schedule, but the future looks bright. TEAM, that's a crazy as*ed concept. There is no "I" in team, but there is a "M" and an "E". Speaking of which...

2. Jay Cutler - Hey as*hole! Fu*k you! Fu*k you and that douche bag of an agent, Bus Cook! What the hell kind of name is Bus? Culter and Cook handled this whole affair with such class and reserve. "They were talking about me." "My coach does not love me." "McDaniel touched me in my bad place." Chrispts! Maybe we overlooked your whining because we hoped you were the next Elway, but you're not Elway! Your not even Plumber! You are just a worthless little bitch that let Phillip Rivers and half the league get into your tiny, bitch skull and have not won jack since high school! Just shut the fu*k up! Good luck with the Bears. We all know how gentle those fans are with little bitch quarterbacks (see Rex Grossman). Oh. Cook was Farve's agent and we all saw how that sh*t circus turned out last Summer. Good luck with that too Jay.

3. Pat Bowlen - WTF?! It took you long enough to step up and take back your team. Within a day is saying "Cutler is outta here," Cutler was out of there. You are getting closer to being allowed to wear that nancy-boy coat of yours. Keep it up and you'll be pretty on the sidelines by December.

Avalanche Update: You cannot even lose properly!

It was a rough season. First you went with two sh*tty goalies. Then you signed a bunch of third-liners. Then everyone got hurt. Then the season went down the sh*tter. Yeah. That kind of season. At least they showed Giguere the door and now are just waiting for Granado's (a good guy but not the coach for the Avs) turn.

The team had a chance to finish in the bottom two, but screwed it up in the last couple of weeks by playing with pride and grinding out some unneeded points. While it was good to see them skate to the tape it would have been nice to suck and pick up Victor Hedman, the 6'7" 227 Swedish D man, with the 2nd pick.

PengoSports picks the Bruins over the Blues in the Cup Final in 6 games.

Los Nuggets update: We really don't like the basketball but good for them and whatever they do. As long as the Lakers and Celtics don't win it all the world will be a better place.

Rubgy: The Churchill Cup is coming to Denver in June!

A six nation, USA, Canada, Argentina, Ireland, Georgia (the country, not the state) and England will compete at Infinity Park and Dick's June 6-21. Tickets will be cheap. The violence will be fun. And we will get to watch the US get thumped by a bunch of Pengo countries that can't beat us in anything else (except Canada with hockey, Ireland in drinking, Argentina in rioting, England in inbreeding and Georgia in whatever the fu*k they do well).

Tickets are suppose to be on sale at Tickethorse.com now but are not. That's always a good sign. Still when they do go on sale buy them and enjoy the rugby.

Let's Bring the "Ocho" to Colorado!

2009-02-12T19:41:00.014-07:00

Comcast of Colorado,

We, the PengoSports nation demand (beg, plead, hell, whatever you need us to fu*kin' do!) that you add Setanta Sports, a real, live version of ESPN 8 "the Ocho" to your International Programming lineup!

Sign the petition today!
Hey Comcast! We Want Setanta Petition!

Hey Comcast! We Want Setanta Petition!

We need our strange Australian sports, Aussie Rules football! We need our violent sports, Rugby (both league and union)! We need our weird Irish sports, hurling and Gaelic football! And what the heck, we also need soccer from England, but we don't have to like it!

Setanta Sports is good, wholesome entertainment for the whole family. Just look at young Junior up there. He's studying! And watching Setanta on Comcast TV (simutation only. We don't have Setanta in Colorado yet. Think of the great PR if kids got smarter by watching sports on cable TV!). Only in America (Colorado, America that is) could something this wonderful happen. And only you can make it happen. Sign the petition today! Pass on the link today! And make tomorrow brighter for some fat kid with a crewcut who likes to watch TV (Yes, that would be me!).

5 out of 6 German soccer players agree (the 6th was probably a pinko-commie bast*rd), add Setanta to Comcast of Colorado!

Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!!

Hey Comcast! May we please have Setanta petition!

Of All the Things to Babble About...

2009-01-30T09:34:00.017-07:00

So. Chris Berman comes on with his Two Minute Drill (Super Bowl Edition) and interviews the Cardinals' punter and ex Aussie Rules star Ben Graham. Berman starts out by asking Graham a good question, "Which ball is easier to kick...", which is relevant, useful and, if you're a fan of footy, interesting. And then asks a lame, cliche of a question, "The guy in the white hat, under the goalpost, that does...". What the hell BOO-mer?! Ben Graham played FOO-tee (Berman's pronunciation) for GEE-long (again Berman's butchery), he was not a goal umpire. Jebus! Why don't you have him explain Jocko, Crocodile Dundee, Yahoo Serious, Nicole Kidman's face and that 'dingo ate my baby' thing while you're at it.

Thanks BOO-mer! You're a champ! Congratulations from all the FOO-ty fans and all the GEE-long fans! You are this week's winner of the Pengo Sports Tool of the Week award! Way to go fat boy! Way to go.

Chris "BOO-mer" Berman

Aussie Rules goal umpire or a banana tycoon or ESPN's Chris Berman?

Speak of Yourself in the Third Person Day

2009-01-28T09:15:00.005-07:00

To honor the greatness and self-indulgence that is the Super Bowl, the Government of the United Nations of the World has declared February 1, 2009, A Salute to Illeism: Speak of Yourself in the Third Person Day.

Illeism - The act of referring to oneself in the third person. Someone who practices illeism is an illeist. Adjective: illeistic. Etymology: From the Latin, "that man".

So, at your Super Bowl party, proclaim proudly your name, annoy your friends and let the world know the joys of irritating speech and become the illeist that you've always wanted to be.

#1 Sh*tty non-sport on ESPN

2009-01-28T09:01:00.005-07:00

In a salute to ESPN and all of the crap, that is not sport, that they show, here is today's non-sport entry:

Eatting Competitions

This is the most non-sport of the non-sports. These competitions are like cock-fights, or dog fights, something you (Mike Vick) bet on in some dingy warehouse in the dark of night. An off putting, unsightly, nauseating, bizarre, fu*ked up kind of event that should be on Discovery Health and not ESPN.

This is the year that Fink beats the Stomach...

#2 Sh*tty non-sport on ESPN

2009-01-27T00:22:00.007-07:00

In a salute to ESPN and all of the crap, that is not sport, that they show, here is today's non-sport entry:

Strong Man Competitions

Freaks! Fu*kin' freaks! What the Hell! If I need someone to toss a keg over a wall or carry my car to the gas station I'll know who to call, but God damn! Get off my late night ESPN. You're creeping me out!

I want to pump you up! (and freak you out!).

#3 Sh*tty non-sport on ESPN

2009-01-26T11:20:00.006-07:00

In a salute to ESPN and all of the crap, that is not sport, that they show, here is today's non-sport entry:

Spelling Bees

Spelling is not a sport. These kids are not athletes. Put them on the Learning Channel with the other brainy freaks and leave the sports world to the dumb, criminally insane freaks.

"Who's ready for years and years of wedgies and ass-whoopins?!"

#4 Sh*tty non-sport on ESPN

2009-01-25T17:40:00.015-07:00

In a salute to ESPN and all of the crap, that is not sport, that they show, here is today's non-sport entry:

Poker

It was interesting back when the Van Pattens, along with Gabe "Mr. Kotter" Kaplin, ruled the poker world with an iron fist, but now it is just boring.

All in my ass fancy lad!

#5 Sh*tty non-sport on ESPN

2009-01-24T11:20:00.011-07:00

In a salute to ESPN and all the crap, that is not sports, that they show, here is today's non-sport entry:

Fishing, or Fishin'

Some people like to fish. Good for them. Watching people fish on TV? No thanks.

How bad would it smell to be there?

Fish you fools! Fish!