Of All the Things to Babble About...

So. Chris Berman comes on with his Two Minute Drill (Super Bowl Edition) and interviews the Cardinals' punter and ex Aussie Rules star Ben Graham. Berman starts out by asking Graham a good question, "Which ball is easier to kick...", which is relevant, useful and, if you're a fan of footy, interesting. And then asks a lame, cliche of a question, "The guy in the white hat, under the goalpost, that does...". What the hell BOO-mer?! Ben Graham played FOO-tee (Berman's pronunciation) for GEE-long (again Berman's butchery), he was not a goal umpire. Jebus! Why don't you have him explain Jocko, Crocodile Dundee, Yahoo Serious, Nicole Kidman's face and that 'dingo ate my baby' thing while you're at it.

Thanks BOO-mer! You're a champ! Congratulations from all the FOO-ty fans and all the GEE-long fans! You are this week's winner of the Pengo Sports Tool of the Week award! Way to go fat boy! Way to go.

Chris "BOO-mer" Berman

Aussie Rules goal umpire or a banana tycoon or ESPN's Chris Berman?

Speak of Yourself in the Third Person Day

To honor the greatness and self-indulgence that is the Super Bowl, the Government of the United Nations of the World has declared February 1, 2009, A Salute to Illeism: Speak of Yourself in the Third Person Day.

Illeism - The act of referring to oneself in the third person. Someone who practices illeism is an illeist. Adjective: illeistic. Etymology: From the Latin, "that man".

So, at your Super Bowl party, proclaim proudly your name, annoy your friends and let the world know the joys of irritating speech and become the illeist that you've always wanted to be.

#1 Sh*tty non-sport on ESPN

In a salute to ESPN and all of the crap, that is not sport, that they show, here is today's non-sport entry:

Eatting Competitions

This is the most non-sport of the non-sports. These competitions are like cock-fights, or dog fights, something you (Mike Vick) bet on in some dingy warehouse in the dark of night. An off putting, unsightly, nauseating, bizarre, fu*ked up kind of event that should be on Discovery Health and not ESPN.

This is the year that Fink beats the Stomach...

#2 Sh*tty non-sport on ESPN

In a salute to ESPN and all of the crap, that is not sport, that they show, here is today's non-sport entry:

Strong Man Competitions

Freaks! Fu*kin' freaks! What the Hell! If I need someone to toss a keg over a wall or carry my car to the gas station I'll know who to call, but God damn! Get off my late night ESPN. You're creeping me out!

I want to pump you up! (and freak you out!).

#3 Sh*tty non-sport on ESPN

In a salute to ESPN and all of the crap, that is not sport, that they show, here is today's non-sport entry:
Spelling Bees

Spelling is not a sport. These kids are not athletes. Put them on the Learning Channel with the other brainy freaks and leave the sports world to the dumb, criminally insane freaks.

"Who's ready for years and years of wedgies and ass-whoopins?!"

#4 Sh*tty non-sport on ESPN

In a salute to ESPN and all of the crap, that is not sport, that they show, here is today's non-sport entry:

Poker

It was interesting back when the Van Pattens, along with Gabe "Mr. Kotter" Kaplin, ruled the poker world with an iron fist, but now it is just boring.

All in my ass fancy lad!

#5 Sh*tty non-sport on ESPN

In a salute to ESPN and all the crap, that is not sports, that they show, here is today's non-sport entry:

Fishing, or Fishin'

Some people like to fish. Good for them. Watching people fish on TV? No thanks.

How bad would it smell to be there?

Fish you fools! Fish!

Somebody Must Be Drunk.

ESPN is reporting that your Denver Broncos will name 32 year old, New England Patriots' offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels, as the next head coach of the floundering organization.

McDaniels is considered an up and comer in the coaching business, but Broncos fans should be concerned that he is 32, and an offensive coach (it was the defense that sucked ass the last ten years) and comes from the Patriots, a team which has turned out such polished turds like Romeo Crennel, Eric Mangini and the truly fat Charlie Weis. Sh*t. Things look dark for the boys in predominantly orange.

OK Mr. Bowlen, it's your team now. Shananhan overstayed his welcome, and this was your chance to lead the team back to the promised land. With Josh McDaniels as coach I can't see the promised land, just more of the same with a different, yet much younger, leader. Sure hope your right as*hole. And no, you still can't wear your fairy-boy coat until you win another Super Bowl. And stay out of the sun! You look kinda freakish.

Here's hoping they don't become the Browns, or Lions. Sh*t.

NHL Winter Classic - Cobras On Ice!

Did ya watch it? Huh? Did ya? Did ya?! The Winter Classic that's what! Jebus! Watching hockey is the closest you're going to get to heaven, unless you're playing hockey you bastards! So I take it that you didn't spend time on New Years' Day supporting the "Greatest Game on Ice", well then you can fu*k right off. OK!? What did you watch? Crappy bowl games? Ah, bite me! Sucking up to the "Man" and watchin' his "football". This is why the BCS is still in place! You'll all suckle at the teet of the bowl whores instead of viewing something of quality that happens to not be college football. Screw all ya all and fu*k Heineken! Pabst Blue Ribbon! And hockey, of course.

THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE
(if you did not watch the game)

The Chicago Blackhawks played the Detroit Redwings in Wrigley Field, home to the choking and forever losing Chicago Cubs (but hey, they are just so lovable!).

The vastly improved Hawks were thumped back to earth by the always good Wings, 6-4, but the sport of hockey in general was the real winner in this 2nd annual Winter Classic.

Wow! The place looked great, the atmosphere was perfect and the league and both teams said, and did, the right things. This is why hockey rocks! The players actually look and talk like they enjoy playing the game. Hell, that it seems like it's still a game to these people is what makes it so refreshing! Huzzah to Hockey!

Detroit's "D" sweaters were OK, but Chicago's 1936 throwback uniforms were oh so sweet! You can get one on Ebay for as little as $90 (but the price is rocketing, so buy it now). Do it and reap the rewards of the studliness that will engulf you when you wear it.

Great job NHL! Great job Wrigley Field! Great job Blackhawks! And a great job shout out to those evil-bastards, cheating SOB's, Stanley Cup champion, (and as much as it pains this Avs' fan) class-act from top to bottom Detroit Redwings!

Bring on 2010 and Yankee Stadium or Fenway Park! And Let's Play Hockey!