It's Raining Cobras! Hallelujah!

Will the Broncos lose to the Lions? Even though they are not scheduled to play them? You betcha! First it was the Chiefs. Then the Raiders. Only Detroit could top those embarrassments. And if any team could lose the trifecta it would be the beloved Denver Broncos. The game would be like an anti-superbowl. People would have to pay not to watch it. Advertisers would pay not to have their products associated with it. It would be brilliant! Just think of how horrible a Broncos Lions game would be. Just think of how much money could be made unselling the contest! It would be be true Hell! We'd just need to have Todd Christensen broadcast it to make it unperfect! Game on!

Yesterday's game kept me on the edge of my seat (I kept getting up to leave of the room. It saved me from destroying my TV). Thank God for soccer and Canadian football or I would have gone mental. Jebus (Brett Farve)! Not only did the Broncos get thumped by a team that couldn't find its ass from a hole in the wall, but they did not seem to give a sh*t in the process. A new low in a season of new lows.


Have I given up on them? That's the problem. No, I still root for the worthless fu*kers. I can't stop! Every week I tell myself to do something else. Eat some paste. Torture the cats. Make the world a better place (HA! Or at least go on the sauce for the day and hope not to remember any of it). Is there a twelve step program for sh*tty sports teams that you can't make yourself stop supporting? Please say there is and email me the phone number.

So, anyways, I'll be in front of the TV next week watching the Jets and Jebus himself (Brett Farve) tearing Denver a new one and digging the new low pit even lower.

I hope the cobras get every last one of the Broncos while they're down there.


Bastards.

The Most Magical Sports Day of the Year!

Is this heaven? No it is November 23, 2008. The day of the MLS Cup and the Grey Cup! Holy fu*ckin' sh*t! This is the most magical sports day of the year! What is a sports fan to do? Well their schedules helped out. As the Columbus Crew finished their 3-1 bitch-slap of the New York Red Bulls the Grey Cup pregame ended. Game(s) on (and off)!

What an MLS Cup! It was played somewhere sunny and warm looking and the crowd was in a festive mood. Maybe they thought it was another event and mistakenly attended and just made the best of it. Or hey, they may really like soccer. Stranger things have happened.

Right from the start the MLS regular season champion Crew took the battle to an over matched, yet game, Red Bulls team. Or so I would guess. I didn't actually watch the game. I saw the Crew players prancing about in a sort of victory dance after the game ended and before they received their trophy and quickly went back to the Bronco game (big mistake. The nancy-boy victory dance was better than that crap-storm Raider beat down). So Huzzah! to the Crew and their fan!

What can one say about the Grey Cup that has not already been said? Well, I'll give it a try, it is not grey. It is a shiny silver trophy. Crazy Canadians! Can't even get their colors (colours) right.

The Montreal Alouettes hosted the Calgary Stampeders in front of a partisan crowd (they had a db meter on hand to show how partisan it really was). Calgary didn't care and thumped the Alouettes 22-14, db meter and all.

Since it was Canada everyone looked drunk by halftime, they were gnawing on trees throughout the game and everyone, players, fans and officials had skates on and were using sticks to whack the ball toward the "goal". It is a weird country. But the game was entertaining, the halftime show did not suck and the whole thing far outpaced the Bronco Raider fiasco.

Good job to all and thanks for the help in easing the pain of another piece of sh*t Denver Bronco performance.

Retiring Roy's Jersey or His Potted Plants?

What the fu*kin' hell?! What was up with all the plants at the Patrick Roy Habs shindig? I mean they handled it with the up most of class, but why the plants? Why?!


I know it is a strange think to harp on, but, really, what were they thinking, "if we just toss some house plants around the ice people will think this tribute is being held at the Holiday Inn"? Does Roy get the plants to take home? You know like some parting gift. Here is your banner and some plants. Godspeed Patrick Roy!

Or maybe, since Roy ditched the Canadians and won two cups with the Avs, Montreal hired ninjas and the only way they could hide on the ice was behind some plants? Then when Patrick least expected it they were supposed to jump out and ninja the sh*t out of him (I really don't know all that much about the workings in the ninja community so this is all just guess work).

Like I said it was a classy ceremony. The Avalanche and the NHL could learn a lot from the way the Canadian organization handled it. Drop the classic rock crap songs, drop the fireworks, drop the lame over-the-top p.a. announcer and just let the moment speak for itself. The viewer does not need to be pounded upside the head to get that this is meaningful. It is sport, not show business.

Montreal got the last laugh though by placing Roy's banner right under the one for those MLB bastard Expos who left town to suck in DC. Here's your honor fu*ker...

Cats Think of Nothing But Soccer All Day

So I'm watching Infomania on Current TV and jump up a channel to the Game Show Network and find Think Like a Cat, a show with two cat owners and their cats competing to win, something, by guessing what their cats are going to do in "cat-type" situations. You know, will the cat go for the fake mouse or the piece of string, or will the cat sh*t in the box or behind the chair. That kind of crap. It is hosted by Chuck Woolery, yes that Chuck Woolery, and all I can think is, "what the fu#k?! Think Like a Cat. God Damn! What has become of the world of entertainment."


And then I remembered that I attended the US vs Guatemala World Cup soccer qualifier at DICK'S Sporting Goods Park in Denver (Commerce City) on Wednesday. All I can say is that soccer is thriving in the good ole' US of A! If by thriving you mean the players are improving but the fan base has stagnated. It is thriving indeed!


The US closed out group play with an exciting (not really) 2-0 win over a feisty (cold and indifferent) Guatemala squad. As you can see the "cheap seats", $30 plus a shi*ty convenience fee of $7.50, were pretty full. The other seats, not so much. Why? Because the powers that be behind soccer in the US just don't get it. Soccer is a niche sport, at best, and that is all it will ever be. When the cheapest ticket for your national team is $37.50 for a game, in Colorado, in November, against a worthless opponent, how can you expect to grow the following for your sport? If realistic you can't.


Hey, maybe it was those bastards over at Kroenke Sports who jacked the prices. The game was played in their stadium, which is quite nice, had free parking and is in the ass of nowhere north of Denver. Kroenke might have wanted to suck every last cent from the rabid soccer fan base in Colorado just like they have done with the Avs and Nuggets. Well, the crowd looked like one at an Avs game this year. Too bad. Opportunity lost. Again.

Top 5 reasons soccer will never thrive in the US:

5. The ref has too much control. It is just a recipe for corruption. Someone pays the ref, the ref doesn't see the penalty, the ref adds an extra minute to stoppage time, etc........

4. Soccer fans get too excited about nothing happening. They sing and chant and hooligan the game away when it all looks like a rain delay to Americans. What the?

3. Cheating. Sure we like a cheater as much as anyone, Bonds, McGuire and Sosa as long as they are tearing it up and staying humble (fu*k you Bonds), but soccer players cheat when they are bumped, and crumple to the ground as if shot, and after the game it is defended as a smart play and part of the game. At least try to deny it or act as if it was an accident like an American would.

2. Soccer hair. It is the worst! George Michael and that other "dude" from Wham learned to style from soccer players.

1. Nancy boys. It is filled with 'em! Show some spine and fight like men! Throw a punch and don't a slap! And, God Dammit! No Kicking!

Class Takes a Holliday

The Rockies traded Matt Holliday to the Oakland A's this week for a high-ball closer (never a good idea in Denver) who doesn't close any more, a starting pitcher who went 7-16 last year (penciled in as a 4th or 5th starter on a team that is filled with 4th or 5th starters) and an outfielder who has issues with plate disipline (lots-o-k's). Three things that bode well for life at Coors Field. Goodbye Matt Holliday, hello spare parts and a great big fu*k you to the Colorado Rockies ownership group and front office.

Would Holliday have signed long term with the Rocks? Probably not. He has douche bag extraordinaire Scott Boras as his agent and Boras likes his clients to test the open market to get a big-assed contract. Fine. That is the system and mid-market teams like Colorado have little chance to compete with the big fish in the free agent game.


Owner, Charlie Monfort, blaming the crappy 2008 season on contract negotiations with Holliday is brutal and classless. The team sucked because the pitchers, Jeff Francis, had horrible years (sorry Aaron Cook and Ubaldo Jimenez, half years), Spilborgs was your best, and only, clutch hitter and the injury bug bit the team pretty hard. The future contract of a guy signed through 2009 didn't play a part. If you can't afford to pay him be honest with Holliday and the fans and just tell the truth. It shows professionalism and class that are sorely lacking in the current sports world. Professionalism and class, two things that the Rockies front office are lacking.

Matt Holliday plays the game the right way. He respect the game, he does not showboat, he hustles out the routine plays and he gives back to the fans. I have watched him sign autograph after autograph before Sky Sox games never complaining, never trying to avoid the task and even asking the crowd, "did I get everyone?" Class, and a hell of a ballplayer. He will be missed.

Good luck with the A's! Hope that you make a whole sh*tload of cash with your next contract. You are one guy who truly deserves it. Good luck, goodbye Matt Holliday.

The Truth Behind Colorado's Curse

I received this disturbing comment yesterday:

"The truly beauty thing is that I was given free tickets to Friday's CC-North Dakota game..the one game all year that CC has lost. A pox on all my teams, direct from me, apparently! Kev"

Kev is one Kevin Waybright. Bass player, cowboy (howdy, howdy), general layabout and, it seems, Colorado's very own Bartman! A curse walks among us, a curse named Kevin Waybright!


Very few pictures exist of this foul abomination. He is like the Sasquatch. He lives in the woods, smells quite foul and seems to enjoy beef jerky and practical jokes. The above shot is of Mr. Waybright playing at the Navajo Hogan. Yes, the Navajo Hogan that went out of business soon after this picture was snapped! Coincidence? I'd say NOT! CURSED!!! I'D SAY!

The Hogan closes. CC loses. The Av's suck. The Rockies trade Holliday. The Broncos suck (well, they usually suck, but Kevin has been a fan for a long, long time). His curse is alive and destroying Colorado sports!

The curse primarily effects Colorado sports teams but has befouled other events,

LIKE THE HINDENBURG!!!

AND THIS FIRE!

Break out the pitchforks and torches and let's bring down this monster who haunts our sporting hopes and dreams!

There he is! Get him!

Thursday Night Hullabaloo

How 'bout dem Broncos!? Just when you think all hope is lost and the season is finally flushed down the crapper they mount a comeback and win a fu*cking game! Granted, it was Cleveland, but a win at this point is a win, so bully for us!

The bad news? The injuries continue to build and they are now out of running backs, except for that white guy. While no cobra bites have been reported, I am guessing they account for a majority of the players on the disabled list.

With the win, and keeping the lead in the AFC West, those Bastards keep giving us fans that most evil of all emotions, hope. We think if they can just make the playoffs who knows what could happen. It would be better for all concern for them to lose many games, get bitched at by the fans and receive a high draft pick, that they would waste on a worthless defense lineman, but instead they will continue to win a game every time hope seems lost and lead us to believe that they might actually be a good team when, in fact, they suck.

The Broncos should be good. The Broncos may want to be good. The Broncos are not good. That sucks, but just you wait until 2009-10!

By the way, the Avs lost their 5th straight and now officially suck worse than the Nuggets, Rockies and Broncos combined. They can't score, they chase on defense and have average, at best, goaltending. It is going to be a long year for Colorado sports fans. Go CC!

Broncos and Dolphins! Feel the Excitement!

Welcome to the live blog of this crap game. It will be intermittent because I want a Big-Gulp and know that I can't deal with watching this whole crap-fest.

2:10 pm - Cutler throws a pick. Wow. What a surprise. I wonder if that was in the Mastermind's script.

2:13 pm - Defense does not give up the early TD! DOLPHINS FIELD GOAL. MIAMI 3 - DENVER 0.

2:15 pm - 3rd and 5 and Jackson runs without the ball! The bye-week has really helped. Great punt by Kern. At least they have that going for them...

2:19 pm - Brown runs wild! That famed Denver defense is back! And a defensive holding penalty to boot! That's just super.


2:22 pm - Offsides! Chri*st! You worthless basta*rds! If your heads were any farther up you as*es they'd be coming out of your mouths.

2:26 pm - 3rd and 4. Pennington with lots-o-time, the defense seems to be watching, and he completes it for an easy 1st down.

2:28 pm - Miami is 1 for 32 in these 3rd and long situations...seems like something's got to give...suckhole offense v suckhole defense...and the defense wins this round! DOLPHINS FIELD GOAL - MIAMI 6 - DENVER 0.

2:33 pm - Cutler is picked again! F*ck! TD DOLPHINS. MIAMI 13 - DENVER 0.
Jeez! What the hell are you looking at Jay?

2:35 pm - Royal With Cheese! You go Eddie! Just keep it away from Cutler for a while. Run! Run!! Run!!! No passes. Ya hear?

2:37 pm - OK. Pass it to the Cheese. TD BRONCOS! YESSSSSSSS!!!!! ABOUT FRICKEN TIME! MIAMI 13 - DENVER 7.


2:42 pm - Defense steps it up big time! Way to go you worthless fu*ks!

2:45 pm - And the Denver offense goes three and out. Well played you pukes.

2:48 pm - END OF THE 1st QUARTER. MIAMI 13 - DENVER 7. What kind of crap are we watching?

2:50 pm - Big sack Scrooge! Let's get it going O!

2:52 pm - 2 for 2 for Cutler in the 2nd. Maybe he had too much sugar or something?

2:54 pm - Cutler is sacked. Strike the above post. That boy ain't right today.

2:57 pm - My last drive of the half. This game is making me physically sick. I'll come back and blog the 4th quarter, or at least part of it. Go defense! Do something.

3:00 pm - Ted Ginn almost breaks it. Defense. When I said, "do something" I meant do something GOOD! And by Good I meant good for the Broncos.

3:01 pm - YEAH! FU*CK YEAH! Try that Ronny Brown, Wildcat, trick sh*it with a team with a real defense. The Broncos can't stop real plays, but the trick ones? They are all over those! So suck it Miami!

3:03 pm - See ya in the 4th! I suggest watching something else or drinking like a booze hound until them.

4:30 pm - A Big Gulp and some stove top popcorn, life is pretty good. Except for the score, MIAMI 19 - DENVER 10.

4:32 pm - Was that interference penalty on Marshall the most horsesh*t call you have seen for quite a while? Karma truly is a bitch. The officials suck.

4:33 pm - WOW! What a catch! Go Hillis! That kid is a stud.

4:35 pm - Back to the sh*tty officiating...How about that fat bastard of a coach for Miami. Is he an obese Bill Cowher, or what? Fu*k him.


4:36 pm - Interference. Yes! TD to Peyton Hillis! MIAMI 19 - DENVER 17. THAT WAS QUICK. Keep it up. Come on now defense. It is time to earn your keep.

4:44 pm - Well. They are not earning their keep. They fu*king suck! Good God! How bad can professional football players and their coaching staff be? I think we are looking at it.

4:45 pm - A sack and a hold! Yes! Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then!

4:48 pm - 3 and 19 and they let a screen to Brown go for close to a 1st down? The coaching staff is the problem. Retards! Stop them on this 4th and short! Come on you fools! Sh*t. 1st down. Even with a bad spot. He had it easy.

4:52 pm - Some one with a pair of balls could think to pass on 1st down in that situation Dierdoff. Football is filled with Neanderfu*ks like you who could not think their through an open door.

4:54 pm - Complete to the Ganja Man himself at the 3. Game over. Oh, TD for Brown. MIAMI 26 - DENVER 17. Game really over. Jebus! This team has yet to step it up in a game this season. The officials have for them, but they can't do it for themselves.

4:58 pm - People are playing good money to go to a lousy NFL game while the teams and the league keep blowing their own horns on how great this game is. Really? Great? I'm lucky to watch 3 great games a year. Now last night's Texas Tech v Texas game was great! Today we could watch Green Bay and Tennessee bore us to death with an overtime "thriller"; Dallas get crap kicked (not necessarily a bad thing) by the Giants or this dogsh*t telecast of this pair of laviathans. Thank you National Football League. You are just a couple of years from becoming the NBA. Congratulations.

5:05 pm - Marshall just rocked that dback! He pussed out on the catch, but did rock the dude!

5:09 pm - What's that sound coming from Denver? That is the sound of sucking and it is louder that ever. MIAMI 26 - DENVER 17.

THE DENVER BRONCOS PRACTICE FOR THE OFFSEASONBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Oh, and by the way Broncos players and coaches, don't forget to pick up your cobras before you leave the stadium. They are free and love to ride loose in your car! Just keep poking and annoying them, they love that. Cute little cobras! Enjoy!

Broncos v Dolphins - Live Blog Tomorrow!

Live blog of the Broncos v Dolphins game! I will go for as long as I can stand it. The cobras are standing by...