Cobras Get Shanahan

In a stunning development the Denver Broncos owner, Pat Bowlen, pushed Mike Shanahan into a cobra pit on Tuesday afternoon effectively ended his reign as head coach, king and chief fu*k up of the under-performing team .

Shanahan lead the Broncos to two Super Bowl titles in his 14 year tenure as coach, but floundered greatly after his personal muse, and the franchise's true leader, John Elway retired in 1999. The "Mastermind" tried to deflect blame for years by hiring and firing countless coaches and signing and cutting so many worthless players that the team became a metaphor for choking down the stretch (they really Broncoed that ending!).

We fans thank Coach Shanahan for the Super Bowl wins but it was time for a change. Sorry it had to be cobras but you had been warned throughout the season so cobras it was. Good luck with the Browns, or Jets, or Chiefs, or Lions, or wherever you end up (just don't start winning at Mile High once you are gone you bastard! You made such a nice habit of losing there the last few years).

Now a note to Pat Bowlen, don't fu*k this up! Spend the coin and hire Cowher! Give him the control he wants and get him in here! Shananhan was a pretty good coach and if you try to replace him with some worthless college fu*k or a has-been piece of sh*t NFL retread you can just go ahead and get fu*ked! OK? Thank you. As*hole (Invesco Field. You'll always be a cu*t for that one. Make it Cowher and Mile High and you can wear that girl-coat of yours again and we promise not to make fun of you rich ass. I mean it, we promise!).

Count 'em Out!

Oh, whatever will the poor Denver Broncos do? Drive off a cliff? Ram into a tanker truck and explode? Or just quietly run out of gas, coast to a stop on the side of the road and wait for the off season to arrive in the Wait-till-Next-Year tow truck? Let's take a look-see!

1, 2, 3...The Broncos' season is finishing like the career of a fat, old boxer who knows nothing else so he keeps fighting and keeps getting his ass kicked and keeps getting more brain damaged. It is sad. It is embarrassing. It is the Broncos. Enough said.

San Diego leads 24-6 at the half and only need another 10 points to cover my prediction of winning by 28. The defense is the defense and has not stopped the Chargers. The offense looked good on the first drive (let's script the first 15 plays, but the game is not 15 plays long and the Broncos usually look like sh*t after the script is finished), but terrible ever since the missed extra point. It will be a long 2nd half, a long off season and a long 2009 season. At least we still have the Rockies (wait. They'll suck too.).

Holy sh*t! They are not staying down (Stay down Rock! Stay down!). Bell scores on the opening drive of the 2nd half (was it scripted? Why can't you just script the whole fu*king game!?) to make it 24-13. Maybe there's a chance? Maybe? Nawwww! L.T. just ran for a hatfull of yards and the Chargers are looking to score again. And they do. Sproles walks through the non-existent Denver defense and it is 31-13.

Interception! Another S.D. L.T. T.D.! 38-13! Almost to 28! Come on! Dammit! Denver touchdown. 38-21. Another Chargers T.D.! Hell! I was close enough! Pay me my moneys! And choke on it Denver. Choke on it just like you choke on everything else. I won't even waste a cobra on this one. The cobras have suffered enough. Pray for the cobras. Pray hard.

OK. Denver tried. At least they can say that. Tried like Poland in 1939. 52-21. That covers my 28, plus 3! Whoopee! Now they can look forward to next year with their own Nevil Chamberlain firmly entrenched as head coach. Shanahan has brought us "peace in our time" because there will be no playoff berth. No ass-whuppin' at the hands of the Colts. No more disappointment. No more hope. No more season. Just peace and lots of time to think about how bad this team has been since Elway retired. Fu*k.

Great season ya bastards!

PengoSports Christmas Gift List

Merry Christmas, happy holidays and good lovin' from all the staff at the
Inadvertent Sexual Christmas Image Hospital!

Now that's over let's get onto this year's gifts:

To the Colorado Avalanche:
A run of good health, consistent play and strong goaltending to get Super Joe to the playoffs in his last season. It ain't happening, but it's a nice thought.


To Joe Sakic, a class act and first ballot hall of famer:

A playoff run and

To the Arena Football League and the Colorado Crush: Someone to give a sh*t. The 50 yard indoor war is over. There were no winners.


To the the MLS, soccer in general and the Colorado Rapids:

Some fu*kin' balls. Christ! Play like men and quit yer flopping about, whining and cryin'!


To Aussie Rules Football and Rugby League: An audience in this country and a nationwide cable agreement between Setanta and Comcast so we can become said audience (keep harassing your local provider to carry the channel). These are awesome sports and would develop a good following if we only could watch them!


To the Colorado Rockies:
A plan. A clue. Anything. Just stick to it. Oh, and an owner with some cash.


And finally to the Denver Broncos:

A whole fu*k load of cobras! More cobras than can be counted. Cobras, cobras, cobras. Lock them in a room together and see what happens. Hey Shanahan! try scripting the first 15 cobras! Broncos and cobras go in, only cobras come out.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Happy holidays from PengoSports!

Colorado College Tiger Hockey

Hello, Mr. Peabody here. Go ahead and jump in the WABAC (wayback, like Waybright only less lame) machine, with my boy Sherman, and view these Life Magazine pics of your Colorado College Tigers playing the Boston University Terriers at the old Boston Arena in December of 1950.

Old Time Hockey!

click pic to go to link

This will be your only Christmas present.

Let's Flush This Turd of a Season!

Just a word to the Denver Broncos from a long time fan and long time bit*cher, FU*K YOU! You worthless, dogsh*t eating, hope raping, only you could screw up a sure thing motherfu*kers! DIE! Move to a third world country, catch a rare and disgusting disease, suffer greatly and DIE a slow painful death! There, I said it and I feel a bit better. Now if only they would go ahead and do it I would feel a whole lot better. So get going. Go on! GO!


Buffalo? Fu*king Buffalo? Figures. Oh, how do you lose? Let me count the ways:

1. First it was the Chiefs. A team that had won once in like three years! And they kicked the sh*t out of you!
   
2. Jacksonville. We didn't know how bad they would suck this year so it wasn't so bad, but it was at home (nothing like that old Invesco Magic!).
   
3. Then to get bitch-slapped in New England, that's OK, but it was to a high school quarterback, and on national TV, still it was the Patriots and they cheat so what could you expect.
   
4. The fu*king Dolphins? At home?! They may be good now but they were the 1-15 Dolphins from last year when you played them. Christ!
5. The Raiders. The fu*cking Raiders! G*d Damn fu*king Raiders! You got schooled, at co*ksmoking Invesco, to the G*d Damn, fu*cking Raiders! Eat sh*t Shanahan.
6. Panthers on the road. Not a problem. They were better than you and it is a game that would have been a surprise to win. Still, you win this game and the division would have been yours.
7. Buff-a-fu*king-lo! At home. After a 13-0 lead. Oh my fu*king G*d! As*holes! As*holes!! As*holes!!! CHOKE!
   
8. San Diego. I see the future and I am taking the Chargers and giving 28 points. The revenge game to end all revenge games. It will be ugly like the 55-10 Superbowl loss to the 49ers.
   

So, there it is. Another season pissed away. Another year as a fan that started with so much hope only to have the bastards that the Denver Broncos come along and crap all over our holiday festivities.


Oh, if the Broncos do somehow pull a win out of their collective asses against the Chargers they would get the Colts, and Peyton Manning, in the first round of the playoffs. How scary do you think that defeat would be?

Thanks for a great season you cu*ts.

I Hired You People to Lay A Little Track...

Yeah I've been away for a while. Fu*k you! I could have been tossed down a well for all you fu*kers care!

Class. Laughing at a guy being tossed down a well. Pure class. You'll all get yours! Just you wait!

Well (no pun intended), I'm back now, so shut the fu*k up.

Here is a little something to show you why soccer will never hit it big in the U.S. (Gary, is that you dancing back there? You devil! I thought you were playing hockey in Germany in the 70's!). I present to you Queer Eye for the Soccer Guy:




While I was watching this all I could think of was the quote from Blazing Saddles:

"I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots."

Not that I want to see any track laying (and not that there is anything wrong with that, but not in my cab you don't!), but WTF!? I don't care if it was the seventies, what were they thinking!? Was this an attempt to make up for Hitler? Stop! Just stop and go back to being efficient, orderly and humorless. The world does not want an angry Germany and the world does not want Dieter from Sprockets! I am serious! Gary, can't you do something about this? Jebus! I may never sleep again!

It's Raining Cobras! Hallelujah!

Will the Broncos lose to the Lions? Even though they are not scheduled to play them? You betcha! First it was the Chiefs. Then the Raiders. Only Detroit could top those embarrassments. And if any team could lose the trifecta it would be the beloved Denver Broncos. The game would be like an anti-superbowl. People would have to pay not to watch it. Advertisers would pay not to have their products associated with it. It would be brilliant! Just think of how horrible a Broncos Lions game would be. Just think of how much money could be made unselling the contest! It would be be true Hell! We'd just need to have Todd Christensen broadcast it to make it unperfect! Game on!

Yesterday's game kept me on the edge of my seat (I kept getting up to leave of the room. It saved me from destroying my TV). Thank God for soccer and Canadian football or I would have gone mental. Jebus (Brett Farve)! Not only did the Broncos get thumped by a team that couldn't find its ass from a hole in the wall, but they did not seem to give a sh*t in the process. A new low in a season of new lows.


Have I given up on them? That's the problem. No, I still root for the worthless fu*kers. I can't stop! Every week I tell myself to do something else. Eat some paste. Torture the cats. Make the world a better place (HA! Or at least go on the sauce for the day and hope not to remember any of it). Is there a twelve step program for sh*tty sports teams that you can't make yourself stop supporting? Please say there is and email me the phone number.

So, anyways, I'll be in front of the TV next week watching the Jets and Jebus himself (Brett Farve) tearing Denver a new one and digging the new low pit even lower.

I hope the cobras get every last one of the Broncos while they're down there.


Bastards.

The Most Magical Sports Day of the Year!

Is this heaven? No it is November 23, 2008. The day of the MLS Cup and the Grey Cup! Holy fu*ckin' sh*t! This is the most magical sports day of the year! What is a sports fan to do? Well their schedules helped out. As the Columbus Crew finished their 3-1 bitch-slap of the New York Red Bulls the Grey Cup pregame ended. Game(s) on (and off)!

What an MLS Cup! It was played somewhere sunny and warm looking and the crowd was in a festive mood. Maybe they thought it was another event and mistakenly attended and just made the best of it. Or hey, they may really like soccer. Stranger things have happened.

Right from the start the MLS regular season champion Crew took the battle to an over matched, yet game, Red Bulls team. Or so I would guess. I didn't actually watch the game. I saw the Crew players prancing about in a sort of victory dance after the game ended and before they received their trophy and quickly went back to the Bronco game (big mistake. The nancy-boy victory dance was better than that crap-storm Raider beat down). So Huzzah! to the Crew and their fan!

What can one say about the Grey Cup that has not already been said? Well, I'll give it a try, it is not grey. It is a shiny silver trophy. Crazy Canadians! Can't even get their colors (colours) right.

The Montreal Alouettes hosted the Calgary Stampeders in front of a partisan crowd (they had a db meter on hand to show how partisan it really was). Calgary didn't care and thumped the Alouettes 22-14, db meter and all.

Since it was Canada everyone looked drunk by halftime, they were gnawing on trees throughout the game and everyone, players, fans and officials had skates on and were using sticks to whack the ball toward the "goal". It is a weird country. But the game was entertaining, the halftime show did not suck and the whole thing far outpaced the Bronco Raider fiasco.

Good job to all and thanks for the help in easing the pain of another piece of sh*t Denver Bronco performance.

Retiring Roy's Jersey or His Potted Plants?

What the fu*kin' hell?! What was up with all the plants at the Patrick Roy Habs shindig? I mean they handled it with the up most of class, but why the plants? Why?!


I know it is a strange think to harp on, but, really, what were they thinking, "if we just toss some house plants around the ice people will think this tribute is being held at the Holiday Inn"? Does Roy get the plants to take home? You know like some parting gift. Here is your banner and some plants. Godspeed Patrick Roy!

Or maybe, since Roy ditched the Canadians and won two cups with the Avs, Montreal hired ninjas and the only way they could hide on the ice was behind some plants? Then when Patrick least expected it they were supposed to jump out and ninja the sh*t out of him (I really don't know all that much about the workings in the ninja community so this is all just guess work).

Like I said it was a classy ceremony. The Avalanche and the NHL could learn a lot from the way the Canadian organization handled it. Drop the classic rock crap songs, drop the fireworks, drop the lame over-the-top p.a. announcer and just let the moment speak for itself. The viewer does not need to be pounded upside the head to get that this is meaningful. It is sport, not show business.

Montreal got the last laugh though by placing Roy's banner right under the one for those MLB bastard Expos who left town to suck in DC. Here's your honor fu*ker...

Cats Think of Nothing But Soccer All Day

So I'm watching Infomania on Current TV and jump up a channel to the Game Show Network and find Think Like a Cat, a show with two cat owners and their cats competing to win, something, by guessing what their cats are going to do in "cat-type" situations. You know, will the cat go for the fake mouse or the piece of string, or will the cat sh*t in the box or behind the chair. That kind of crap. It is hosted by Chuck Woolery, yes that Chuck Woolery, and all I can think is, "what the fu#k?! Think Like a Cat. God Damn! What has become of the world of entertainment."


And then I remembered that I attended the US vs Guatemala World Cup soccer qualifier at DICK'S Sporting Goods Park in Denver (Commerce City) on Wednesday. All I can say is that soccer is thriving in the good ole' US of A! If by thriving you mean the players are improving but the fan base has stagnated. It is thriving indeed!


The US closed out group play with an exciting (not really) 2-0 win over a feisty (cold and indifferent) Guatemala squad. As you can see the "cheap seats", $30 plus a shi*ty convenience fee of $7.50, were pretty full. The other seats, not so much. Why? Because the powers that be behind soccer in the US just don't get it. Soccer is a niche sport, at best, and that is all it will ever be. When the cheapest ticket for your national team is $37.50 for a game, in Colorado, in November, against a worthless opponent, how can you expect to grow the following for your sport? If realistic you can't.


Hey, maybe it was those bastards over at Kroenke Sports who jacked the prices. The game was played in their stadium, which is quite nice, had free parking and is in the ass of nowhere north of Denver. Kroenke might have wanted to suck every last cent from the rabid soccer fan base in Colorado just like they have done with the Avs and Nuggets. Well, the crowd looked like one at an Avs game this year. Too bad. Opportunity lost. Again.

Top 5 reasons soccer will never thrive in the US:

5. The ref has too much control. It is just a recipe for corruption. Someone pays the ref, the ref doesn't see the penalty, the ref adds an extra minute to stoppage time, etc........

4. Soccer fans get too excited about nothing happening. They sing and chant and hooligan the game away when it all looks like a rain delay to Americans. What the?

3. Cheating. Sure we like a cheater as much as anyone, Bonds, McGuire and Sosa as long as they are tearing it up and staying humble (fu*k you Bonds), but soccer players cheat when they are bumped, and crumple to the ground as if shot, and after the game it is defended as a smart play and part of the game. At least try to deny it or act as if it was an accident like an American would.

2. Soccer hair. It is the worst! George Michael and that other "dude" from Wham learned to style from soccer players.

1. Nancy boys. It is filled with 'em! Show some spine and fight like men! Throw a punch and don't a slap! And, God Dammit! No Kicking!

Class Takes a Holliday

The Rockies traded Matt Holliday to the Oakland A's this week for a high-ball closer (never a good idea in Denver) who doesn't close any more, a starting pitcher who went 7-16 last year (penciled in as a 4th or 5th starter on a team that is filled with 4th or 5th starters) and an outfielder who has issues with plate disipline (lots-o-k's). Three things that bode well for life at Coors Field. Goodbye Matt Holliday, hello spare parts and a great big fu*k you to the Colorado Rockies ownership group and front office.

Would Holliday have signed long term with the Rocks? Probably not. He has douche bag extraordinaire Scott Boras as his agent and Boras likes his clients to test the open market to get a big-assed contract. Fine. That is the system and mid-market teams like Colorado have little chance to compete with the big fish in the free agent game.


Owner, Charlie Monfort, blaming the crappy 2008 season on contract negotiations with Holliday is brutal and classless. The team sucked because the pitchers, Jeff Francis, had horrible years (sorry Aaron Cook and Ubaldo Jimenez, half years), Spilborgs was your best, and only, clutch hitter and the injury bug bit the team pretty hard. The future contract of a guy signed through 2009 didn't play a part. If you can't afford to pay him be honest with Holliday and the fans and just tell the truth. It shows professionalism and class that are sorely lacking in the current sports world. Professionalism and class, two things that the Rockies front office are lacking.

Matt Holliday plays the game the right way. He respect the game, he does not showboat, he hustles out the routine plays and he gives back to the fans. I have watched him sign autograph after autograph before Sky Sox games never complaining, never trying to avoid the task and even asking the crowd, "did I get everyone?" Class, and a hell of a ballplayer. He will be missed.

Good luck with the A's! Hope that you make a whole sh*tload of cash with your next contract. You are one guy who truly deserves it. Good luck, goodbye Matt Holliday.

The Truth Behind Colorado's Curse

I received this disturbing comment yesterday:

"The truly beauty thing is that I was given free tickets to Friday's CC-North Dakota game..the one game all year that CC has lost. A pox on all my teams, direct from me, apparently! Kev"

Kev is one Kevin Waybright. Bass player, cowboy (howdy, howdy), general layabout and, it seems, Colorado's very own Bartman! A curse walks among us, a curse named Kevin Waybright!


Very few pictures exist of this foul abomination. He is like the Sasquatch. He lives in the woods, smells quite foul and seems to enjoy beef jerky and practical jokes. The above shot is of Mr. Waybright playing at the Navajo Hogan. Yes, the Navajo Hogan that went out of business soon after this picture was snapped! Coincidence? I'd say NOT! CURSED!!! I'D SAY!

The Hogan closes. CC loses. The Av's suck. The Rockies trade Holliday. The Broncos suck (well, they usually suck, but Kevin has been a fan for a long, long time). His curse is alive and destroying Colorado sports!

The curse primarily effects Colorado sports teams but has befouled other events,

LIKE THE HINDENBURG!!!

AND THIS FIRE!

Break out the pitchforks and torches and let's bring down this monster who haunts our sporting hopes and dreams!

There he is! Get him!