Hockey Fight with British Accents

Here is a full out hockey brawl in the UK Elite League:

Pretty good scrap!  And totally classed up with the British accents.  We love how the announcers direct the cameras to the action and deliver their harsh verdicts on the guilty.  Bra-vo gentlemen!  BRA-VO!

Cobras Get McDaniels

(Here is the PengoSport take on Shanahan's firing in December of 2008. It pretty much works as written for McDaniels except for a few bits here and there):

In a stunning development the Denver Broncos owner, Pat Bowlen, pushed Mike Shanahan Josh McDaniels into a cobra pit on Tuesday afternoon effectively ended his reign as head coach, king and chief fu*k up of the under-performing team .

Shanahan lead the Broncos to two Super Bowl titles in his 14 year tenure as coach, but floundered greatly after his personal muse, and the franchise's true leader, John Elway retired in 1999. The "Mastermind" tried to deflect blame for years by hiring and firing countless coaches and signing and cutting so many worthless players that the team became a metaphor for choking down the stretch (they really Broncoed that ending!). McDaniels won a few games to start and then spiraled into a vortex of suck so bad that he was fired before the end of his 2nd season.

We fans thank Coach Shanahan McDaniels for the Super Bowl wins nothing but and it was time for a change. Sorry it had to be cobras but you had been warned throughout the season so cobras it was. Good luck with the Browns, or Jets, or Chiefs, or Lions, or wherever the Patriots (just don't start winning at Mile High once you are gone you bastard! You made such a nice habit of losing there the last few years).

Now a note to Pat Bowlen, don't fu*k this up! Spend the coin and hire Cowher! Give him the control he wants and get him in here! Shananhan was a pretty good coach McDaniels was a pretty bad coach and if you try to replace him with some worthless college fu*k or a has-been piece of sh*t NFL retread you can just go ahead and get fu*ked! OK? Thank you. As*hole (Invesco Field. You'll always be a cu*t for that one. Make it Cowher and Mile High and you can wear that girl-coat of yours again and we promise not to make fun of you rich ass. I mean it, we promise!).

Hey Josh! Try Some ex-lax, I Hear It Gives You the Runs

So those fu*k-tard-tastic Denver Broncos won a game. Wooooooo! PengoSports had a post planned for last Sunday titled, "A Sunday of Suck", to discuss the Broncos and Rockies incredible day, but the booze from the Grand Final Party was still having it's way with us. So you have to settle for a bitch filled rant about a pretty good win. Here we go...

Peyton Hillis running in Cleveland's juggernaut offense.

RUN! FORREST! RUN! Dammit! We said run! Don't just fall down now! RUN! Sh*t.

Moreno, Malrony, Buckholder, White, Humphries, Wilhite, Keyworth, anyone? ANYONE? To be fair it doesn't look like the O-line could run block their way out of an old-folks home. Granted they were giving Orton good protection, WERE! 6 sacks later and all we can say is, "YOU SUCK!".

Even with no one on defense this running play lost 3 yards.

The Broncos are 2-2, but could easily be 4-0, 3-1 or 1-3 (thanks to the Seahawks for being so bad that everyone can look back on that game and say it could only have been a win).

Dying of heat exhaustion in Jacksonville. The Tebow was not the college flavored Timbo, but the new and not so great pro-version and could do nothing. Loss. Should have won, but loss. Denver does not play well in Florida.

Win against Seattle.

Indy. Indy. Indy. Chr*st! They had that no good bastard Manning dead and buried and let him go by butchering nearly every attempt in the RedZone (still the best channel in the history of mankind!). ARRRRRRGGGH!

Tennessee. It was a good win. Hopefully it super-pissed off that cheap-shot team, their cheap-shot teaching coaches (middle-finger to everyone!) and their hillbilly fans:

Titan's D-Coordinator, Chuck Cecil, counts to one
( and pays out $40,000).

Now it's on to Baltimore and them murderin' thug Ravins. Um. This will be a loss, there will be no running game again and Kyle Orton will probably die. Rock on Broncos! Rock on!

Hey. It's the Ravin's D just a waitin' for Kyle Orton.

Aussie Rules Explained!

Coming to watch the footy Grand Final? Unsure what Aussie Rules is all about? Well if PengoSports had only one image to explain the game this would be it:


Hope this helps. See you at the Grand Final party and enjoy the footy!

Aussie Rules Football Grand Final Viewing Party!!!

It is that time of the year again!  PengoSports' Christmas, 4th of July and Guy Fawkes Day all rolled into one!  It's the 2010 Australian Rules Football Grand Final Viewing Party LIVE on ESPN Classic at the Hooters.

Join us for some real football, great company and wacked accents while we watch the World's Greatest Game!

Great food, drink and a chance to win some fabulous prizes:

• Giveaways from the Australian Football League!
• Giveaways from Fosters, including a sweet Fosters' bar light!
• Giveaways from Hooters!
• $2 pints of Fosters all night long!

Hooters' Happy Hour starts at 10:00 pm with:

• Domestic pints $2!
• 10 famous Hooters' wings for $4!
• Cheese sticks for $3
• Deep fried pickles for $2.25

Everyone is welcome. Rules will be explained. No dingos allowed.

Awww!  It's a kitty!  And a drunk.  

You are almost guaranteed to see one of the above.

He did not attend the Grand Final party.

Don't be him.

Tebow! Tebow!

No. Really. Two Tebows.

Tebow! Tebow!! Tebows!!!

What are the odds of two dudes named Tebow (and wearing their jerseys at that) attending a Sky Sox game? We're glad they had a chance to relax before the big exhibition game against the Steelers. We hear it's going to be a long night of totin' clipboard(s) for him(s).

Twice the Tebows at the same low price! Yee! Haw!

Just Like Ancient Rome

Clete Boyer #6 and Bob Uecker #9 in 1964.
Nice touch with the numbers gentlemen.

Paul P. #39 and Matt R. #40 in 2010.
39, 40, I don't get it.

A sports tradition, or a plague upon society? Discuss.

Tu-Lo! Stink-Eye!

Troy Tulowitzki shot me with a Stink Eye!  Why?!  What did I ever do to him?  Granted I was taking his picture, so if he comes from some primitive culture he could believe that in my photographing him I am stealing his soul, but I hear he's from California and it's weird there but not that weird.  Maybe he hates me?  Maybe he is jealous that I get to sit around taking photos while he has to run around and chase a ball?  Hell, I don't know, but what I do know is that I DON'T LIKE STINK EYES!  Knock it off or else there'll be some trouble for you!  Like a curse!  A gypsy curse on that pretty hair of yours!  How'd you like to be bald?  Or have a Skullet?  Thought so.  
 

I receive the Stink Eye from the Tu-Lo

The future beckons Troy.  The future beckons.

Real Life Mystery of the Urinal Deuce

What the? On the holiest of the holy, Dog Night at the ball yard, someone goes and drops a bomb into a urinal at the stadium (a big shout out to Marty G., who found the deuce and made the suggestion to photograph it. Urinal deuces can now officially be called Martys.). There are nothing but a bunch of savages in this town.

Hey. What's that in the urinal?
Oh my fuc*in' God!
Someone dropped a deuce in there!

First urinal as you walk in. Don't people have shame any more? Christ! If you are going to do this at least wander to the far end, out of sight of God and all his children, and plop it there. Fuc*in' bastards! I feel violated.

Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon? ...

What to expect from a press box meal? Burgers? Pizza? How about Outback Steakhouse? How about Outback Steakhouse that doesn't mail it in and serves a kick-ass, totally tasty dinner? Pretty sweet eh? Oh yeah. That what PengoSports thought. Outback has rocked the box all 4 times they have been called on this season. 4/4! Thems Halls-O-Fame numbers! Huzzah Outback!!! Huzzah! No dingos eating your babies on PengoSports' watch. We gots your back.

Most meals in the box are hit and miss. Hell, it's flippin' free so we can't bitch too much, except for the God damn IHOP! PANCAKES!!! You are a house of pancakes, so serve us some PANCAKES! Got it? OK. We will find out on Thursday, and so help me, if there aren't a whole sh*tload of pancakes waiting in the warming tray there will be a pancake related crime spree so huge that it will redefine how pancake related crime sprees are measured. Outback serves steak and chicken, and by God, when they cater, they serve, wait for it, STEAK & CHICKEN!

They even do chicken right! And veggies!
We'll all live an extra day because of those.

Cheese cake everytime! "God loves those who are right!"*

* An awesome quote from 1983 by one Scott Robinson. Who, frustrated after watching the Broncos getting continually jobbed by the refs, saw Denver finally get a break and score. Thus prompting Scott to scream this gem at the TV.

LIVE Footy Friday Night Extravaganza!!!

Aussie Rules! Fast, hard hitting Southern Hemisphere excitement!

Aussie Rules football! Like it? Love it? Have no clue what the hell it is? It just doesn't matter. Come out to Hooters Citadel Mall at 10:00 pm on Friday night, July 9th, to watch the Geelong Cats take on the Hawthorn Hawks LIVE on ESPN2.

There will be happy hour specials from 10-Midnight - $2 domestic pints and 1/2 off selected appetizers, including 10 Hooters' World Famous hot wings for just $4! Come hungry (and thirsty) leave happy.

Aimee, the girl in the middle, shall be our waitress for the evening.

Whether you are a long time fan or just someone who wants to learn more about Aussie Rules everyone is welcome!

There Was an Optics Festival and I Wasn't Informed?

So the jag-offs at ESPN2, and hell, let's throw in the Australian Football League while we are at it, seemed to have forgot to send out a press release announcing the LIVE Aussie Rules game, Richmond hosting Sydney, on said channel that started Friday at 10:00 pm (remember all times are MDT). PengoSports stumbled on the game just as the 3rd quarter ended and all we could mumble was, "what the fu*k?! There was an optics festival and I wasn't informed?" Oh. And, "SWEET! Aussie Rules on the ESPNs!".

The Optics Festival PengoSports almost missed.

At least PengoSports found the game and watched one massively great 4th quarter. The Tigers, down by 33 points late in the 3rd, fought back to take the game over the Swans, 89-85.

A cracker of a 4th quarter between the Tigers and the Swans

A Richmond player, Andrew Collins, was knocked out cold, had his teammates try to pick him up and get yelled at by the trainers to set him back down, and then the trainers picked him up and helped him stumble, Otis the Drunk style off the pitch. A couple of minutes later he appeared out of no where (the grave?), and caught a mark near the goal and quickly kicking a 6 to put the Tigers in a position to win the game. Quite refreshing after all the soccer handbag antics that we've been watching.

Sleeping. Soon to be awake and scoring goals

Think of all the poor footy fans in this great country missing out on the perfect Independence Day opener because no one bothered to inform them. So a great big PengoSports screw you to the bastards at the ESPN's and AFL (oh there is a live game on next Friday, July 9th, at 10:00 pm on ESPN2. Geelong take on Hawthorn as the push for the finals heats up.).

An angry mob out to get ESPN2 and the AFL

Hey. It's a Dude in a Little Cap.

Why? Why Mr. Tacoma Rainiers reliever man Speigner? Why are you wearing a little cap? Is your head too big for a regular sized one? Did someone play a joke on you and steal your normal one? Or are you just a joker, a raconteur, a silly-man and wanted to "small up" your head wear for the attention? We may never know, but thanks for the pictures.

A ballplayer named Speigner wearing a small cap.

You have to have gone to the finest finishing schools to learn how to keep a cap perched on your head like that.

 Fred Clark did not manage to pull off the little cap look.

While this sassy young lass (though it could be a dude) may have just pulled it off.

Small cap look WIN!  Huzzah! Mr. Speigner!  Huzzah!

Hangbags At Twenty Paces

PengoSports does actually enjoy the soccer. We really do. Really! But they make it so easy to rip on them. Hell, just look at France. Or, or, well most soccer teams do seem to have a "not so fresh moment" every game don't they? Don't they?! Thought so. And now for your viewing enjoyment:

Come on soccer. Are you just gonna lay there and take that?

You are? Well, hopefully this will make you feel better:

The dude with the pit bull, Jonny Wilkerson, hero for England's 2003 Rugby World Cup championship team.

And this ad may be for rugby, or soccer or just kicking:

Thank you. Just thought that needed to be said. Now you can all go back to your soccer watchin'.

Vuvuzela-tastic!!!

First open this link in a new tab and let it play in the backgroud: Vuvuzelas

Ahhhhh! The sweet sound of, of, of, oh, screw it! It's just the sound of a sh*tload of annoying little fu#ks with plastic horns. It just screams SOCCER! Doesn't it?

Soccer. The World's Game!

It's World Cup time and that means PengoSports, PengoFans, PengoReporters and just general Pengos will be in PengoHeaven every day for a month! It's PengoRiffic! (for the rest of you, WELCOME TO HELL!).

The big news! USA beats England 1-1!!! Yeah us! Yeah.

England attacks the USA defensive zone in exciting soccer action!

It was a terrible game. Just terrible. But the US tied the bloody Brits and took an undeserved point so they still have hope, until they choke against Slovenia and/or Algeria, to advance to the knockout stage, where, if they advance, they will be knocked out early. Success for the USA is to make it to this stage, not to win the whole damn thing, and that is one of the reason soccer fails in this country. Americans understand winning and losing, not ties. If we can't win the whole thing why care? So, with that said, World Cup fever has gripped the nation and the vast majority of the populous is frantically looking for some ibuprofen to help get rid of the annoying ache and resume watching NASCAR, or basketball, or baseball, or the dog rub its ass on the carpet, anything but soccer.

Even a stinkin' cat can see that the goal keeper totally cocked that up.

Heh. Heh, heh. Heh, heh, heh! It says, "DONG".

I get it. Actually I don't. What is this product "DONG" and why advertise it at a soccer match? (It does seem the perfect sponsor for the sport). PengoSports could use the internets to see that DONG is an energy company out of Denmark and that is not that funny (energy companies, as a rule, are not humorous. Maybe if they were a subsidiary of WANG Computers, or Siemens Medical, now that would be a laugh riot, but they are not, so it's not.) So, we here at PengoSports have decided that "DONG" means wiener and those crazy Danes are really, really into wieners. Funny. Let CSI Copenhagen know this case is now closed.

And speaking of DONGs, here's a little something from our friends at The Onion:

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

A big thank you to The Onion for calling it like it is. Everything seems to make more sense now with that in the open. Now we can finally move on.

Hey, look! Someone must have almost scored again.

(Truth be told, PengoSports enjoys the soccer. At World Cup level it is an entertaining sport that is occasionally ruined by its players).

Damn Squirrels (and Catchers)!

Hey look! It's a shot of a play at the plate! I love these, oh, wait. What the hell is that dangling down on the catcher? Aww, sh*t!!! Thanks for ruining my shot douche (not really. The catcher, who's shall remain nameless, to protect his privacy, is a good guy and is OK in PengoSports' book!).

Click on photo to see the "cup" in action!

Oh well. He was out and that's what really counts (Liar! The photo is the only thing that counts! Who wants to see a cup?).

Watch out! Good thing you covered those nuts or this squirrel could be deadly!

Did He Touch It?

Do you touch the conference championship trophy or just let it be. Hockey tradition suggests leave it be. It is not what you are after. You only want the big cup and if you touch the little one a curse falls upon your house. Two years ago Pens captain Sydney Crosby kept his hands to himself and Pittsburgh got bounced by the Wings (who's captain Nick Lidstrom did not touchy his trophy as well). Last year Syd touched, lifted and paraded the thing around the ice and the Penguins went on to beat the Wings (who again did not touch theirs). So what did our two new contestants do this year?

Touching the "Trophy" brought the good Cap'n a lovely lady!

On Saturday for the Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews it was just let it be. Toews acted like the Campbell Trophy was a bag-o-super-fresh-sh*t and got the hell away from it as fast as possible. Tradition served.

Flyers' captain Mike Richards picked up the Prince of Wales Trophy and skated off to the locker room like he stole it. Tradition? Ha! Take that!

So is it good luck? Bad luck? Or just a fu*kin' trophy and it will all depend on the talent and effort of the teams the play for the Stanley Cup? We'll know in a couple of weeks.

So girls? I see your answer is to "touch" the trophy.

Now it is Chicago v Philadelphia. Flyers against the Blackhawks. The Windy City and the city of Brotherly Love. Corruption Midwest style or Corruption East Coast style. A green river on St. Pats or Booing Santa Claus at Christmas. PengoSports sez, "Go Hawks!"

2010 Stanley Cup Finals Schedule

Saturday, May 29	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC
Monday, May 31	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC
Wednesday, June 2	at Philadelphia, 6 p.m.	VERSUS
Friday, June 4	at Philadelphia, 6 p.m.	VERSUS
*Sunday, June 6	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC
*Wednesday, June 9	at Philadelphia, 6 p.m.	NBC
*Friday, June 11	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC

Was It Heaven or One Hell of a Wasted Weekend?

Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee...

I Fought the Couch and the Couch Won. The Day of the Sloth. The Great Big Nothing. Or Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory! What should PengoSports call the weekend of May 22 & 23, 2010? What did we do to deserve naming our weekend you ask ? Well, if you must know, we spent the weekend watching 20+ hours of sports on TV and the interwebs. 16 hours on Saturday and another 4+ on Sunday. Was it heaven? Nope. A lot of it sucked. But it had to be done and it beat the hell out of actually doing something constructive.

Prepared for a long couple of days.

All games rated on the PengoSports 10 cobra scale -

0 cobras = great/you live to 10 cobras = sucked/you die

Saturday - (all times, are of course, MDT)

8:00 am - Soccer on to ESPN3.com - Cardiff v Blackpool
A 2nd division (call the Championship) playoff to determine who would be playing in the Premier League next year. Blackpool wins 3-2.
Great game - 0 cobras!

9:00 am - Rugby Union on BBC.com live text - Biarritz v Toulouse
Heineken Cup Final by blog on the BBC website. In an all French final Toulouse defeated a game Biarritz side 21-19 in front of 80,000 fans at the Stade de France in Paris.

Not shown on TV. Reading bad - 6 cobras.

11:00 am - Soccer on FSC - Champions League Final pregame
It's the soccer Superbowl! Oh, and it's European! How gay can this pregame be? Surprisingly less gay than the NFL's. Fox Soccer Channel picked up the Sky Sports feed from the UK and wasted 90 minutes of my life.

Thanks for nothing as*holes! - 9 cobras.

12:10 pm - baseball on FSN RM - Colorado Rockies v Kansas City Royals
The Rockies broke their losing streak and Jeff Francis looked like the 2007 Jeff Francis, which is good, winning 3-0.
Rock-o-de-Mayo! - 3 cobras just because the Rocks need to break out and a good cobra-ing might be just the thing to do it.

12:30 pm - Cricket on ESPN3.com - New Zealand v Sri Lanka
Pearls Cup Twenty20 international test match from Florida. Twenty20 cricket is the new, "exciting", brand of the sports that looks a hell of a lot like the old,"boring", brand but without the breaks for lunch, tea, dumps, etc...

Still not getting the cricket - 5 sleeping cobras. Don't wake them or they'll bite, but since you play cricket you won't have to worry about that.

12:45 pm - Soccer on Fox - Inter Milan v Bayern Munich
Champions League final on Fox?! Way to go Fox! The game was average, but them foreigners sure do like them some soccer and the crowd made it quite entertaining! Inter won 2-0 on a couple of great goals by Argentine Diego Milito.
Gooooooaaaaallllllllll!!!!!!!! - 2 cobras for the game and 8 extra bitey cobras for Inter manager Jose Mourinho who is a prick (but a hell of a manager).

1:00 pm - Hockey on NBC - Philiadelphia at Montreal
Hockey. Playoff hockey. Playoff hockey in Montreal. Heaven. Flyers' goalie Michael Leighton pitching another doughnut in net. Ian Laperriere grinding it out in his first game back since rerererearranging his face on a shot in round one. Bullies over the Habs 3 rip.
God I love this game! - 0 cobras. Cobras bite hockey players then crawl away to die.

Halftime of the Champions League final - Chicken and broccoli from the China Gourmet!

Best Chinese in town! Never ever a cobra. Really! They are cobra-free!

Well fed and bleary eyed we travel into the late afternoon...

4:00 pm - Women's soccer on ESPN2 - USA v Germany

Why chick's soccer? Well it was two of the best teams in the world, but to be honest, it was on and I really don't have a good answer. USA 4 - Germany 0.

I'd rather watch MLS - 7 cobras. Dammit! Speed it up a tad girls! This is like watching paint dry.

5:00-7:00 pm - Softball, hockey, baseball, basketball...whatever was on.

Time to play clicker roulette! NCAA softball, NOOOOOO! Click. Baseball, eh. Click. Replay of the Memorial Cup semi, Brandon Wheatkings v Calgary Hitmen, YES! Wheatkings win! Wheatkings win! Click. Hey, it's the Magic at the Celtics, click. No basketball! God damn! Has there been more than one decent game in this year's playoffs? Thought not. NBA. You suck a*s! Oh, and while I'm at it, nice heart Nuggets! Choke much? Oh yeah, that's all you do. Click.
10 cobras. 10 angry cobras. Bite, bite my pretties! Bite, bite!

7:00 pm - NRL rugby league on Altitude - Dragons v Bulldogs, + highlights!

Yes it looks like it was filmed by Aquaman. And yes it is hard to follow if you don't know the sport. But hey it's rugby league from Australia and it's an awesome sport and it's pretty damn cool to watch (even with the Aquaman angle).

The video referee says, "TRY"! 5 cobras for production values and for it being taped delayed, but 0 cobras for the rugby!

9:00 pm - Hoops & Sportscenter on ESPN

Who would have guessed that the Magic would fold like a cheap suit against the Celtics. I will say that Rondo is a gamer. He could play on my team anytime. Dude is badass! But he plays basketball so sucks to be him.

1000 pm - Aussie Rules LIVE on ESPN2 - Carlton v Hawthorn
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Live Australian football back on the ESPN's! Fast, rough and high scoring! Gots to love the footy! Hawthorn wins it going away. Life is good with live Aussie Rules back on real TV!

A dingo did not eat your baby! 0 cobras! Yes!

The night ended at 1:00 am. That's an hour to jump start Sunday:

12:10 pm - baseball on FSN RM - Rockies at Royals
Rocks rock a Cy Young winner! Rock and roll boys! Colorado 11 KC 7.
Tired of the baseball - 5 cobras just for the heck of cobraing.

1:00 pm - hockey on NBC - Hawks v Sharks
Chicago is going back to the finals for this first time since '92. Good on you Blackhawks! And thanks for the same old same old San Jose. Time to ditch Nabby and find a goalie that can carry the playoff weight. You are a team with too much talent to choke year after year. Chicago 4 San Jose 2. Hawks sweep the series.
Sweet home Chicago! 0 cobras.

Done and done. 20+ hours and out!