Cobras Get Gowzdecky

(As a life long CC Tigers fan this is tough for me to write. I grew up knowing, just knowing, that DU Sucks! Everything about them SUCKED! Except maybe their great tradition, coaches, players and academics. Yeah. Other than that, oh how they suck! But they do make wonderful rivals and CC Hockey wouldn't be CC Hockey without DU).

Here is Coach Gwozdecky, last year, watching DU thump Air Force

Denver University head hockey coach, George Gwozdecky, was fired Monday after 19 seasons in charge of one of the most successful college hockey programs in the country. Gwozdecky's Pioneers went 443-267-64, won two national championships, 03-04 & 04-05, had only two losing campaigns, 97-98 & 99-00, and won twenty or more games for the last twelve seasons. In short, the man was one hell of a coach. Plus. PLUS, when his players stayed for 4 years they graduated. So, obviously this man had to go! What a menace!

DU at CC in November of 2004. CC won 3-1.
DU won the 2nd of their back to back championships
later that season.

Great rivalry. Great tradition. Great game.

Denver Athletic Director, Peg Bradley-Doppes, has not yet given a reason for Gowzdecky's firing. Whatever she finally comes up with it won't be good enough to justify his termination.  Hope DU sucks under it's new, still to be hired, coach and Peg Bradey-Doppes gets kicked to the curb as a result of this. 

Another great thing about Gwozdecky was he allowed
one of his healthy-scratch players at last year's
Air Force game wear these shoes!
Look at these shoes! Just look at them!

Vaya con Dios coach. Best of luck in your next job. May you'll be able to go out on your terms with that one.

Coach Gwozdecky walks off to greener pastures.

Eat of Bowl of Dicks Award #2

PengoSports is not proud to present its
"Eat a Bowl of Dicks Award"
to the NHL, Gary Bettman and every NHL owner.
Congrats assholes. Hope you choke on every last bite.

As you may know, PengoSports loves the hockey. PengoSports loves the NHL hockey. And PengoSports thinks the NHL playoffs are the greatest 6 weeks in sport. Pure awesome! Just a great game played by incredible athletes. That said, we're done. No more. This lock out has finished us. The League, you know, the owners that pull Gary Bettman's puppet strings, are all a bunch of corrupt, greedy, incompetent bastards and don't deserve our support. That means no more going to games, buying merchandise or watching on TV. Nope. Goodbye, you suck and eat a bowl of dicks you feckless pieces of shit.

Hey, lookie here! It's Gary Bettman and the NHL owners.
The greatest assemblage of ass-hats, douchebags
and rectal thermometers this world has ever seen.

After shutting down an entire season in 2004 to get the financial model they wanted the owners came back this time saying they needed more of the same things. IT WAS YOUR AGREEMENT IN 2005 ASSHOLES! The players didn't win! You won! The league is also making a lot more revenue today. A lot. The players are willing to work with you but the League always wants more, more more. Enough. I don't watch the game for the owners. I don't watch the game for Bettman. I watch the game for the game itself and the great athletes that play it as a TEAM. Hockey is the ultimate team sports. 4 lines, 3 D pairs and a strong presence in net. Bettman's not out there taking a shift. If a team is losing money most likely it is due to the moronic contracts the TEAMS paid out to the players and poor management, not the players. Screw you bastards. Dammit!

The owners present their latest offer.
Hope they don't 'draw mud'

So are we giving up on hockey? HELL NO! We are giving up on NHL hockey. PengoSportsis going back to the roots of the game. We'll go to Colorado College games at the World Arena; Air Force hockey games at the Cadet Ice Arena; Denver Cutthroats CHL games at the Denver Coliseum; even some high school, pond, inline and floor hockey games. We'll get our hockey and keep most of our money. And the money we spend will go to help the lower levels of the game.

Colorado College plays at the World Arena.
Tickets are reasonable, the team is good and
they don't have a fu*kin' owner to screw shit up.

CC/DU. One of the great rivalries in hockey.
Tough ticket, but worth it. Find a way to see a game.

Air Force hockey. They play the game the right way.
Tickets are cheap, games are close and you are
a great American for supporting this hockey team.

Screw you NHL! Choke on a big-asses bowl of dicks!

Hey Josh! Try Some ex-lax, I Hear It Gives You the Runs

So those fu*k-tard-tastic Denver Broncos won a game. Wooooooo! PengoSports had a post planned for last Sunday titled, "A Sunday of Suck", to discuss the Broncos and Rockies incredible day, but the booze from the Grand Final Party was still having it's way with us. So you have to settle for a bitch filled rant about a pretty good win. Here we go...

Peyton Hillis running in Cleveland's juggernaut offense.

RUN! FORREST! RUN! Dammit! We said run! Don't just fall down now! RUN! Sh*t.

Moreno, Malrony, Buckholder, White, Humphries, Wilhite, Keyworth, anyone? ANYONE? To be fair it doesn't look like the O-line could run block their way out of an old-folks home. Granted they were giving Orton good protection, WERE! 6 sacks later and all we can say is, "YOU SUCK!".

Even with no one on defense this running play lost 3 yards.

The Broncos are 2-2, but could easily be 4-0, 3-1 or 1-3 (thanks to the Seahawks for being so bad that everyone can look back on that game and say it could only have been a win).

Dying of heat exhaustion in Jacksonville. The Tebow was not the college flavored Timbo, but the new and not so great pro-version and could do nothing. Loss. Should have won, but loss. Denver does not play well in Florida.

Win against Seattle.

Indy. Indy. Indy. Chr*st! They had that no good bastard Manning dead and buried and let him go by butchering nearly every attempt in the RedZone (still the best channel in the history of mankind!). ARRRRRRGGGH!

Tennessee. It was a good win. Hopefully it super-pissed off that cheap-shot team, their cheap-shot teaching coaches (middle-finger to everyone!) and their hillbilly fans:

Titan's D-Coordinator, Chuck Cecil, counts to one
( and pays out $40,000).

Now it's on to Baltimore and them murderin' thug Ravins. Um. This will be a loss, there will be no running game again and Kyle Orton will probably die. Rock on Broncos! Rock on!

Hey. It's the Ravin's D just a waitin' for Kyle Orton.

Was It Heaven or One Hell of a Wasted Weekend?

Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee...

I Fought the Couch and the Couch Won. The Day of the Sloth. The Great Big Nothing. Or Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory! What should PengoSports call the weekend of May 22 & 23, 2010? What did we do to deserve naming our weekend you ask ? Well, if you must know, we spent the weekend watching 20+ hours of sports on TV and the interwebs. 16 hours on Saturday and another 4+ on Sunday. Was it heaven? Nope. A lot of it sucked. But it had to be done and it beat the hell out of actually doing something constructive.

Prepared for a long couple of days.

All games rated on the PengoSports 10 cobra scale -

0 cobras = great/you live to 10 cobras = sucked/you die

Saturday - (all times, are of course, MDT)

8:00 am - Soccer on to ESPN3.com - Cardiff v Blackpool
A 2nd division (call the Championship) playoff to determine who would be playing in the Premier League next year. Blackpool wins 3-2.
Great game - 0 cobras!

9:00 am - Rugby Union on BBC.com live text - Biarritz v Toulouse
Heineken Cup Final by blog on the BBC website. In an all French final Toulouse defeated a game Biarritz side 21-19 in front of 80,000 fans at the Stade de France in Paris.

Not shown on TV. Reading bad - 6 cobras.

11:00 am - Soccer on FSC - Champions League Final pregame
It's the soccer Superbowl! Oh, and it's European! How gay can this pregame be? Surprisingly less gay than the NFL's. Fox Soccer Channel picked up the Sky Sports feed from the UK and wasted 90 minutes of my life.

Thanks for nothing as*holes! - 9 cobras.

12:10 pm - baseball on FSN RM - Colorado Rockies v Kansas City Royals
The Rockies broke their losing streak and Jeff Francis looked like the 2007 Jeff Francis, which is good, winning 3-0.
Rock-o-de-Mayo! - 3 cobras just because the Rocks need to break out and a good cobra-ing might be just the thing to do it.

12:30 pm - Cricket on ESPN3.com - New Zealand v Sri Lanka
Pearls Cup Twenty20 international test match from Florida. Twenty20 cricket is the new, "exciting", brand of the sports that looks a hell of a lot like the old,"boring", brand but without the breaks for lunch, tea, dumps, etc...

Still not getting the cricket - 5 sleeping cobras. Don't wake them or they'll bite, but since you play cricket you won't have to worry about that.

12:45 pm - Soccer on Fox - Inter Milan v Bayern Munich
Champions League final on Fox?! Way to go Fox! The game was average, but them foreigners sure do like them some soccer and the crowd made it quite entertaining! Inter won 2-0 on a couple of great goals by Argentine Diego Milito.
Gooooooaaaaallllllllll!!!!!!!! - 2 cobras for the game and 8 extra bitey cobras for Inter manager Jose Mourinho who is a prick (but a hell of a manager).

1:00 pm - Hockey on NBC - Philiadelphia at Montreal
Hockey. Playoff hockey. Playoff hockey in Montreal. Heaven. Flyers' goalie Michael Leighton pitching another doughnut in net. Ian Laperriere grinding it out in his first game back since rerererearranging his face on a shot in round one. Bullies over the Habs 3 rip.
God I love this game! - 0 cobras. Cobras bite hockey players then crawl away to die.

Halftime of the Champions League final - Chicken and broccoli from the China Gourmet!

Best Chinese in town! Never ever a cobra. Really! They are cobra-free!

Well fed and bleary eyed we travel into the late afternoon...

4:00 pm - Women's soccer on ESPN2 - USA v Germany

Why chick's soccer? Well it was two of the best teams in the world, but to be honest, it was on and I really don't have a good answer. USA 4 - Germany 0.

I'd rather watch MLS - 7 cobras. Dammit! Speed it up a tad girls! This is like watching paint dry.

5:00-7:00 pm - Softball, hockey, baseball, basketball...whatever was on.

Time to play clicker roulette! NCAA softball, NOOOOOO! Click. Baseball, eh. Click. Replay of the Memorial Cup semi, Brandon Wheatkings v Calgary Hitmen, YES! Wheatkings win! Wheatkings win! Click. Hey, it's the Magic at the Celtics, click. No basketball! God damn! Has there been more than one decent game in this year's playoffs? Thought not. NBA. You suck a*s! Oh, and while I'm at it, nice heart Nuggets! Choke much? Oh yeah, that's all you do. Click.
10 cobras. 10 angry cobras. Bite, bite my pretties! Bite, bite!

7:00 pm - NRL rugby league on Altitude - Dragons v Bulldogs, + highlights!

Yes it looks like it was filmed by Aquaman. And yes it is hard to follow if you don't know the sport. But hey it's rugby league from Australia and it's an awesome sport and it's pretty damn cool to watch (even with the Aquaman angle).

The video referee says, "TRY"! 5 cobras for production values and for it being taped delayed, but 0 cobras for the rugby!

9:00 pm - Hoops & Sportscenter on ESPN

Who would have guessed that the Magic would fold like a cheap suit against the Celtics. I will say that Rondo is a gamer. He could play on my team anytime. Dude is badass! But he plays basketball so sucks to be him.

1000 pm - Aussie Rules LIVE on ESPN2 - Carlton v Hawthorn
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Live Australian football back on the ESPN's! Fast, rough and high scoring! Gots to love the footy! Hawthorn wins it going away. Life is good with live Aussie Rules back on real TV!

A dingo did not eat your baby! 0 cobras! Yes!

The night ended at 1:00 am. That's an hour to jump start Sunday:

12:10 pm - baseball on FSN RM - Rockies at Royals
Rocks rock a Cy Young winner! Rock and roll boys! Colorado 11 KC 7.
Tired of the baseball - 5 cobras just for the heck of cobraing.

1:00 pm - hockey on NBC - Hawks v Sharks
Chicago is going back to the finals for this first time since '92. Good on you Blackhawks! And thanks for the same old same old San Jose. Time to ditch Nabby and find a goalie that can carry the playoff weight. You are a team with too much talent to choke year after year. Chicago 4 San Jose 2. Hawks sweep the series.
Sweet home Chicago! 0 cobras.

Done and done. 20+ hours and out!

Hey Broncos! Screw you!

The Raiders? No one has to try against the Raiders.

A great big screw you to the Denver Broncos for playing not to lose, kicking 4 field goals, and losing to the tard-tastic Raiders today!

Here are some cobras for your Christmas:

Bite bite my pretties! Start with that arrogant bastard Josh McDaniels and work your way down from there.

NHL Winter Classic - Cobras On Ice!

Did ya watch it? Huh? Did ya? Did ya?! The Winter Classic that's what! Jebus! Watching hockey is the closest you're going to get to heaven, unless you're playing hockey you bastards! So I take it that you didn't spend time on New Years' Day supporting the "Greatest Game on Ice", well then you can fu*k right off. OK!? What did you watch? Crappy bowl games? Ah, bite me! Sucking up to the "Man" and watchin' his "football". This is why the BCS is still in place! You'll all suckle at the teet of the bowl whores instead of viewing something of quality that happens to not be college football. Screw all ya all and fu*k Heineken! Pabst Blue Ribbon! And hockey, of course.

THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE
(if you did not watch the game)

The Chicago Blackhawks played the Detroit Redwings in Wrigley Field, home to the choking and forever losing Chicago Cubs (but hey, they are just so lovable!).

The vastly improved Hawks were thumped back to earth by the always good Wings, 6-4, but the sport of hockey in general was the real winner in this 2nd annual Winter Classic.

Wow! The place looked great, the atmosphere was perfect and the league and both teams said, and did, the right things. This is why hockey rocks! The players actually look and talk like they enjoy playing the game. Hell, that it seems like it's still a game to these people is what makes it so refreshing! Huzzah to Hockey!

Detroit's "D" sweaters were OK, but Chicago's 1936 throwback uniforms were oh so sweet! You can get one on Ebay for as little as $90 (but the price is rocketing, so buy it now). Do it and reap the rewards of the studliness that will engulf you when you wear it.

Great job NHL! Great job Wrigley Field! Great job Blackhawks! And a great job shout out to those evil-bastards, cheating SOB's, Stanley Cup champion, (and as much as it pains this Avs' fan) class-act from top to bottom Detroit Redwings!

Bring on 2010 and Yankee Stadium or Fenway Park! And Let's Play Hockey!

Cobras Get Shanahan

In a stunning development the Denver Broncos owner, Pat Bowlen, pushed Mike Shanahan into a cobra pit on Tuesday afternoon effectively ended his reign as head coach, king and chief fu*k up of the under-performing team .

Shanahan lead the Broncos to two Super Bowl titles in his 14 year tenure as coach, but floundered greatly after his personal muse, and the franchise's true leader, John Elway retired in 1999. The "Mastermind" tried to deflect blame for years by hiring and firing countless coaches and signing and cutting so many worthless players that the team became a metaphor for choking down the stretch (they really Broncoed that ending!).

We fans thank Coach Shanahan for the Super Bowl wins but it was time for a change. Sorry it had to be cobras but you had been warned throughout the season so cobras it was. Good luck with the Browns, or Jets, or Chiefs, or Lions, or wherever you end up (just don't start winning at Mile High once you are gone you bastard! You made such a nice habit of losing there the last few years).

Now a note to Pat Bowlen, don't fu*k this up! Spend the coin and hire Cowher! Give him the control he wants and get him in here! Shananhan was a pretty good coach and if you try to replace him with some worthless college fu*k or a has-been piece of sh*t NFL retread you can just go ahead and get fu*ked! OK? Thank you. As*hole (Invesco Field. You'll always be a cu*t for that one. Make it Cowher and Mile High and you can wear that girl-coat of yours again and we promise not to make fun of you rich ass. I mean it, we promise!).

Count 'em Out!

Oh, whatever will the poor Denver Broncos do? Drive off a cliff? Ram into a tanker truck and explode? Or just quietly run out of gas, coast to a stop on the side of the road and wait for the off season to arrive in the Wait-till-Next-Year tow truck? Let's take a look-see!

1, 2, 3...The Broncos' season is finishing like the career of a fat, old boxer who knows nothing else so he keeps fighting and keeps getting his ass kicked and keeps getting more brain damaged. It is sad. It is embarrassing. It is the Broncos. Enough said.

San Diego leads 24-6 at the half and only need another 10 points to cover my prediction of winning by 28. The defense is the defense and has not stopped the Chargers. The offense looked good on the first drive (let's script the first 15 plays, but the game is not 15 plays long and the Broncos usually look like sh*t after the script is finished), but terrible ever since the missed extra point. It will be a long 2nd half, a long off season and a long 2009 season. At least we still have the Rockies (wait. They'll suck too.).

Holy sh*t! They are not staying down (Stay down Rock! Stay down!). Bell scores on the opening drive of the 2nd half (was it scripted? Why can't you just script the whole fu*king game!?) to make it 24-13. Maybe there's a chance? Maybe? Nawwww! L.T. just ran for a hatfull of yards and the Chargers are looking to score again. And they do. Sproles walks through the non-existent Denver defense and it is 31-13.

Interception! Another S.D. L.T. T.D.! 38-13! Almost to 28! Come on! Dammit! Denver touchdown. 38-21. Another Chargers T.D.! Hell! I was close enough! Pay me my moneys! And choke on it Denver. Choke on it just like you choke on everything else. I won't even waste a cobra on this one. The cobras have suffered enough. Pray for the cobras. Pray hard.

OK. Denver tried. At least they can say that. Tried like Poland in 1939. 52-21. That covers my 28, plus 3! Whoopee! Now they can look forward to next year with their own Nevil Chamberlain firmly entrenched as head coach. Shanahan has brought us "peace in our time" because there will be no playoff berth. No ass-whuppin' at the hands of the Colts. No more disappointment. No more hope. No more season. Just peace and lots of time to think about how bad this team has been since Elway retired. Fu*k.

Great season ya bastards!

PengoSports Christmas Gift List

Merry Christmas, happy holidays and good lovin' from all the staff at the
Inadvertent Sexual Christmas Image Hospital!

Now that's over let's get onto this year's gifts:

To the Colorado Avalanche:
A run of good health, consistent play and strong goaltending to get Super Joe to the playoffs in his last season. It ain't happening, but it's a nice thought.


To Joe Sakic, a class act and first ballot hall of famer:

A playoff run and

To the Arena Football League and the Colorado Crush: Someone to give a sh*t. The 50 yard indoor war is over. There were no winners.


To the the MLS, soccer in general and the Colorado Rapids:

Some fu*kin' balls. Christ! Play like men and quit yer flopping about, whining and cryin'!


To Aussie Rules Football and Rugby League: An audience in this country and a nationwide cable agreement between Setanta and Comcast so we can become said audience (keep harassing your local provider to carry the channel). These are awesome sports and would develop a good following if we only could watch them!


To the Colorado Rockies:
A plan. A clue. Anything. Just stick to it. Oh, and an owner with some cash.


And finally to the Denver Broncos:

A whole fu*k load of cobras! More cobras than can be counted. Cobras, cobras, cobras. Lock them in a room together and see what happens. Hey Shanahan! try scripting the first 15 cobras! Broncos and cobras go in, only cobras come out.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Happy holidays from PengoSports!

It's Raining Cobras! Hallelujah!

Will the Broncos lose to the Lions? Even though they are not scheduled to play them? You betcha! First it was the Chiefs. Then the Raiders. Only Detroit could top those embarrassments. And if any team could lose the trifecta it would be the beloved Denver Broncos. The game would be like an anti-superbowl. People would have to pay not to watch it. Advertisers would pay not to have their products associated with it. It would be brilliant! Just think of how horrible a Broncos Lions game would be. Just think of how much money could be made unselling the contest! It would be be true Hell! We'd just need to have Todd Christensen broadcast it to make it unperfect! Game on!

Yesterday's game kept me on the edge of my seat (I kept getting up to leave of the room. It saved me from destroying my TV). Thank God for soccer and Canadian football or I would have gone mental. Jebus (Brett Farve)! Not only did the Broncos get thumped by a team that couldn't find its ass from a hole in the wall, but they did not seem to give a sh*t in the process. A new low in a season of new lows.


Have I given up on them? That's the problem. No, I still root for the worthless fu*kers. I can't stop! Every week I tell myself to do something else. Eat some paste. Torture the cats. Make the world a better place (HA! Or at least go on the sauce for the day and hope not to remember any of it). Is there a twelve step program for sh*tty sports teams that you can't make yourself stop supporting? Please say there is and email me the phone number.

So, anyways, I'll be in front of the TV next week watching the Jets and Jebus himself (Brett Farve) tearing Denver a new one and digging the new low pit even lower.

I hope the cobras get every last one of the Broncos while they're down there.


Bastards.