Tebow! Tebow!

No. Really. Two Tebows.

Tebow! Tebow!! Tebows!!!

What are the odds of two dudes named Tebow (and wearing their jerseys at that) attending a Sky Sox game? We're glad they had a chance to relax before the big exhibition game against the Steelers. We hear it's going to be a long night of totin' clipboard(s) for him(s).

Twice the Tebows at the same low price! Yee! Haw!

Just Like Ancient Rome

Clete Boyer #6 and Bob Uecker #9 in 1964.
Nice touch with the numbers gentlemen.

Paul P. #39 and Matt R. #40 in 2010.
39, 40, I don't get it.

A sports tradition, or a plague upon society? Discuss.

Tu-Lo! Stink-Eye!

Troy Tulowitzki shot me with a Stink Eye!  Why?!  What did I ever do to him?  Granted I was taking his picture, so if he comes from some primitive culture he could believe that in my photographing him I am stealing his soul, but I hear he's from California and it's weird there but not that weird.  Maybe he hates me?  Maybe he is jealous that I get to sit around taking photos while he has to run around and chase a ball?  Hell, I don't know, but what I do know is that I DON'T LIKE STINK EYES!  Knock it off or else there'll be some trouble for you!  Like a curse!  A gypsy curse on that pretty hair of yours!  How'd you like to be bald?  Or have a Skullet?  Thought so.  
 

I receive the Stink Eye from the Tu-Lo

The future beckons Troy.  The future beckons.

Real Life Mystery of the Urinal Deuce

What the? On the holiest of the holy, Dog Night at the ball yard, someone goes and drops a bomb into a urinal at the stadium (a big shout out to Marty G., who found the deuce and made the suggestion to photograph it. Urinal deuces can now officially be called Martys.). There are nothing but a bunch of savages in this town.

Hey. What's that in the urinal?
Oh my fuc*in' God!
Someone dropped a deuce in there!

First urinal as you walk in. Don't people have shame any more? Christ! If you are going to do this at least wander to the far end, out of sight of God and all his children, and plop it there. Fuc*in' bastards! I feel violated.

Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon? ...

What to expect from a press box meal? Burgers? Pizza? How about Outback Steakhouse? How about Outback Steakhouse that doesn't mail it in and serves a kick-ass, totally tasty dinner? Pretty sweet eh? Oh yeah. That what PengoSports thought. Outback has rocked the box all 4 times they have been called on this season. 4/4! Thems Halls-O-Fame numbers! Huzzah Outback!!! Huzzah! No dingos eating your babies on PengoSports' watch. We gots your back.

Most meals in the box are hit and miss. Hell, it's flippin' free so we can't bitch too much, except for the God damn IHOP! PANCAKES!!! You are a house of pancakes, so serve us some PANCAKES! Got it? OK. We will find out on Thursday, and so help me, if there aren't a whole sh*tload of pancakes waiting in the warming tray there will be a pancake related crime spree so huge that it will redefine how pancake related crime sprees are measured. Outback serves steak and chicken, and by God, when they cater, they serve, wait for it, STEAK & CHICKEN!

They even do chicken right! And veggies!
We'll all live an extra day because of those.

Cheese cake everytime! "God loves those who are right!"*

* An awesome quote from 1983 by one Scott Robinson. Who, frustrated after watching the Broncos getting continually jobbed by the refs, saw Denver finally get a break and score. Thus prompting Scott to scream this gem at the TV.

LIVE Footy Friday Night Extravaganza!!!

Aussie Rules! Fast, hard hitting Southern Hemisphere excitement!

Aussie Rules football! Like it? Love it? Have no clue what the hell it is? It just doesn't matter. Come out to Hooters Citadel Mall at 10:00 pm on Friday night, July 9th, to watch the Geelong Cats take on the Hawthorn Hawks LIVE on ESPN2.

There will be happy hour specials from 10-Midnight - $2 domestic pints and 1/2 off selected appetizers, including 10 Hooters' World Famous hot wings for just $4! Come hungry (and thirsty) leave happy.

Aimee, the girl in the middle, shall be our waitress for the evening.

Whether you are a long time fan or just someone who wants to learn more about Aussie Rules everyone is welcome!

There Was an Optics Festival and I Wasn't Informed?

So the jag-offs at ESPN2, and hell, let's throw in the Australian Football League while we are at it, seemed to have forgot to send out a press release announcing the LIVE Aussie Rules game, Richmond hosting Sydney, on said channel that started Friday at 10:00 pm (remember all times are MDT). PengoSports stumbled on the game just as the 3rd quarter ended and all we could mumble was, "what the fu*k?! There was an optics festival and I wasn't informed?" Oh. And, "SWEET! Aussie Rules on the ESPNs!".

The Optics Festival PengoSports almost missed.

At least PengoSports found the game and watched one massively great 4th quarter. The Tigers, down by 33 points late in the 3rd, fought back to take the game over the Swans, 89-85.

A cracker of a 4th quarter between the Tigers and the Swans

A Richmond player, Andrew Collins, was knocked out cold, had his teammates try to pick him up and get yelled at by the trainers to set him back down, and then the trainers picked him up and helped him stumble, Otis the Drunk style off the pitch. A couple of minutes later he appeared out of no where (the grave?), and caught a mark near the goal and quickly kicking a 6 to put the Tigers in a position to win the game. Quite refreshing after all the soccer handbag antics that we've been watching.

Sleeping. Soon to be awake and scoring goals

Think of all the poor footy fans in this great country missing out on the perfect Independence Day opener because no one bothered to inform them. So a great big PengoSports screw you to the bastards at the ESPN's and AFL (oh there is a live game on next Friday, July 9th, at 10:00 pm on ESPN2. Geelong take on Hawthorn as the push for the finals heats up.).

An angry mob out to get ESPN2 and the AFL

Hey. It's a Dude in a Little Cap.

Why? Why Mr. Tacoma Rainiers reliever man Speigner? Why are you wearing a little cap? Is your head too big for a regular sized one? Did someone play a joke on you and steal your normal one? Or are you just a joker, a raconteur, a silly-man and wanted to "small up" your head wear for the attention? We may never know, but thanks for the pictures.

A ballplayer named Speigner wearing a small cap.

You have to have gone to the finest finishing schools to learn how to keep a cap perched on your head like that.

 Fred Clark did not manage to pull off the little cap look.

While this sassy young lass (though it could be a dude) may have just pulled it off.

Small cap look WIN!  Huzzah! Mr. Speigner!  Huzzah!

Hangbags At Twenty Paces

PengoSports does actually enjoy the soccer. We really do. Really! But they make it so easy to rip on them. Hell, just look at France. Or, or, well most soccer teams do seem to have a "not so fresh moment" every game don't they? Don't they?! Thought so. And now for your viewing enjoyment:

Come on soccer. Are you just gonna lay there and take that?

You are? Well, hopefully this will make you feel better:

The dude with the pit bull, Jonny Wilkerson, hero for England's 2003 Rugby World Cup championship team.

And this ad may be for rugby, or soccer or just kicking:

Thank you. Just thought that needed to be said. Now you can all go back to your soccer watchin'.

Vuvuzela-tastic!!!

First open this link in a new tab and let it play in the backgroud: Vuvuzelas

Ahhhhh! The sweet sound of, of, of, oh, screw it! It's just the sound of a sh*tload of annoying little fu#ks with plastic horns. It just screams SOCCER! Doesn't it?

Soccer. The World's Game!

It's World Cup time and that means PengoSports, PengoFans, PengoReporters and just general Pengos will be in PengoHeaven every day for a month! It's PengoRiffic! (for the rest of you, WELCOME TO HELL!).

The big news! USA beats England 1-1!!! Yeah us! Yeah.

England attacks the USA defensive zone in exciting soccer action!

It was a terrible game. Just terrible. But the US tied the bloody Brits and took an undeserved point so they still have hope, until they choke against Slovenia and/or Algeria, to advance to the knockout stage, where, if they advance, they will be knocked out early. Success for the USA is to make it to this stage, not to win the whole damn thing, and that is one of the reason soccer fails in this country. Americans understand winning and losing, not ties. If we can't win the whole thing why care? So, with that said, World Cup fever has gripped the nation and the vast majority of the populous is frantically looking for some ibuprofen to help get rid of the annoying ache and resume watching NASCAR, or basketball, or baseball, or the dog rub its ass on the carpet, anything but soccer.

Even a stinkin' cat can see that the goal keeper totally cocked that up.

Heh. Heh, heh. Heh, heh, heh! It says, "DONG".

I get it. Actually I don't. What is this product "DONG" and why advertise it at a soccer match? (It does seem the perfect sponsor for the sport). PengoSports could use the internets to see that DONG is an energy company out of Denmark and that is not that funny (energy companies, as a rule, are not humorous. Maybe if they were a subsidiary of WANG Computers, or Siemens Medical, now that would be a laugh riot, but they are not, so it's not.) So, we here at PengoSports have decided that "DONG" means wiener and those crazy Danes are really, really into wieners. Funny. Let CSI Copenhagen know this case is now closed.

And speaking of DONGs, here's a little something from our friends at The Onion:

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

A big thank you to The Onion for calling it like it is. Everything seems to make more sense now with that in the open. Now we can finally move on.

Hey, look! Someone must have almost scored again.

(Truth be told, PengoSports enjoys the soccer. At World Cup level it is an entertaining sport that is occasionally ruined by its players).

Damn Squirrels (and Catchers)!

Hey look! It's a shot of a play at the plate! I love these, oh, wait. What the hell is that dangling down on the catcher? Aww, sh*t!!! Thanks for ruining my shot douche (not really. The catcher, who's shall remain nameless, to protect his privacy, is a good guy and is OK in PengoSports' book!).

Click on photo to see the "cup" in action!

Oh well. He was out and that's what really counts (Liar! The photo is the only thing that counts! Who wants to see a cup?).

Watch out! Good thing you covered those nuts or this squirrel could be deadly!

Did He Touch It?

Do you touch the conference championship trophy or just let it be. Hockey tradition suggests leave it be. It is not what you are after. You only want the big cup and if you touch the little one a curse falls upon your house. Two years ago Pens captain Sydney Crosby kept his hands to himself and Pittsburgh got bounced by the Wings (who's captain Nick Lidstrom did not touchy his trophy as well). Last year Syd touched, lifted and paraded the thing around the ice and the Penguins went on to beat the Wings (who again did not touch theirs). So what did our two new contestants do this year?

Touching the "Trophy" brought the good Cap'n a lovely lady!

On Saturday for the Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews it was just let it be. Toews acted like the Campbell Trophy was a bag-o-super-fresh-sh*t and got the hell away from it as fast as possible. Tradition served.

Flyers' captain Mike Richards picked up the Prince of Wales Trophy and skated off to the locker room like he stole it. Tradition? Ha! Take that!

So is it good luck? Bad luck? Or just a fu*kin' trophy and it will all depend on the talent and effort of the teams the play for the Stanley Cup? We'll know in a couple of weeks.

So girls? I see your answer is to "touch" the trophy.

Now it is Chicago v Philadelphia. Flyers against the Blackhawks. The Windy City and the city of Brotherly Love. Corruption Midwest style or Corruption East Coast style. A green river on St. Pats or Booing Santa Claus at Christmas. PengoSports sez, "Go Hawks!"

2010 Stanley Cup Finals Schedule

Saturday, May 29	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC
Monday, May 31	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC
Wednesday, June 2	at Philadelphia, 6 p.m.	VERSUS
Friday, June 4	at Philadelphia, 6 p.m.	VERSUS
*Sunday, June 6	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC
*Wednesday, June 9	at Philadelphia, 6 p.m.	NBC
*Friday, June 11	at Chicago, 6 p.m.	NBC

Was It Heaven or One Hell of a Wasted Weekend?

Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee...

I Fought the Couch and the Couch Won. The Day of the Sloth. The Great Big Nothing. Or Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory! What should PengoSports call the weekend of May 22 & 23, 2010? What did we do to deserve naming our weekend you ask ? Well, if you must know, we spent the weekend watching 20+ hours of sports on TV and the interwebs. 16 hours on Saturday and another 4+ on Sunday. Was it heaven? Nope. A lot of it sucked. But it had to be done and it beat the hell out of actually doing something constructive.

Prepared for a long couple of days.

All games rated on the PengoSports 10 cobra scale -

0 cobras = great/you live to 10 cobras = sucked/you die

Saturday - (all times, are of course, MDT)

8:00 am - Soccer on to ESPN3.com - Cardiff v Blackpool
A 2nd division (call the Championship) playoff to determine who would be playing in the Premier League next year. Blackpool wins 3-2.
Great game - 0 cobras!

9:00 am - Rugby Union on BBC.com live text - Biarritz v Toulouse
Heineken Cup Final by blog on the BBC website. In an all French final Toulouse defeated a game Biarritz side 21-19 in front of 80,000 fans at the Stade de France in Paris.

Not shown on TV. Reading bad - 6 cobras.

11:00 am - Soccer on FSC - Champions League Final pregame
It's the soccer Superbowl! Oh, and it's European! How gay can this pregame be? Surprisingly less gay than the NFL's. Fox Soccer Channel picked up the Sky Sports feed from the UK and wasted 90 minutes of my life.

Thanks for nothing as*holes! - 9 cobras.

12:10 pm - baseball on FSN RM - Colorado Rockies v Kansas City Royals
The Rockies broke their losing streak and Jeff Francis looked like the 2007 Jeff Francis, which is good, winning 3-0.
Rock-o-de-Mayo! - 3 cobras just because the Rocks need to break out and a good cobra-ing might be just the thing to do it.

12:30 pm - Cricket on ESPN3.com - New Zealand v Sri Lanka
Pearls Cup Twenty20 international test match from Florida. Twenty20 cricket is the new, "exciting", brand of the sports that looks a hell of a lot like the old,"boring", brand but without the breaks for lunch, tea, dumps, etc...

Still not getting the cricket - 5 sleeping cobras. Don't wake them or they'll bite, but since you play cricket you won't have to worry about that.

12:45 pm - Soccer on Fox - Inter Milan v Bayern Munich
Champions League final on Fox?! Way to go Fox! The game was average, but them foreigners sure do like them some soccer and the crowd made it quite entertaining! Inter won 2-0 on a couple of great goals by Argentine Diego Milito.
Gooooooaaaaallllllllll!!!!!!!! - 2 cobras for the game and 8 extra bitey cobras for Inter manager Jose Mourinho who is a prick (but a hell of a manager).

1:00 pm - Hockey on NBC - Philiadelphia at Montreal
Hockey. Playoff hockey. Playoff hockey in Montreal. Heaven. Flyers' goalie Michael Leighton pitching another doughnut in net. Ian Laperriere grinding it out in his first game back since rerererearranging his face on a shot in round one. Bullies over the Habs 3 rip.
God I love this game! - 0 cobras. Cobras bite hockey players then crawl away to die.

Halftime of the Champions League final - Chicken and broccoli from the China Gourmet!

Best Chinese in town! Never ever a cobra. Really! They are cobra-free!

Well fed and bleary eyed we travel into the late afternoon...

4:00 pm - Women's soccer on ESPN2 - USA v Germany

Why chick's soccer? Well it was two of the best teams in the world, but to be honest, it was on and I really don't have a good answer. USA 4 - Germany 0.

I'd rather watch MLS - 7 cobras. Dammit! Speed it up a tad girls! This is like watching paint dry.

5:00-7:00 pm - Softball, hockey, baseball, basketball...whatever was on.

Time to play clicker roulette! NCAA softball, NOOOOOO! Click. Baseball, eh. Click. Replay of the Memorial Cup semi, Brandon Wheatkings v Calgary Hitmen, YES! Wheatkings win! Wheatkings win! Click. Hey, it's the Magic at the Celtics, click. No basketball! God damn! Has there been more than one decent game in this year's playoffs? Thought not. NBA. You suck a*s! Oh, and while I'm at it, nice heart Nuggets! Choke much? Oh yeah, that's all you do. Click.
10 cobras. 10 angry cobras. Bite, bite my pretties! Bite, bite!

7:00 pm - NRL rugby league on Altitude - Dragons v Bulldogs, + highlights!

Yes it looks like it was filmed by Aquaman. And yes it is hard to follow if you don't know the sport. But hey it's rugby league from Australia and it's an awesome sport and it's pretty damn cool to watch (even with the Aquaman angle).

The video referee says, "TRY"! 5 cobras for production values and for it being taped delayed, but 0 cobras for the rugby!

9:00 pm - Hoops & Sportscenter on ESPN

Who would have guessed that the Magic would fold like a cheap suit against the Celtics. I will say that Rondo is a gamer. He could play on my team anytime. Dude is badass! But he plays basketball so sucks to be him.

1000 pm - Aussie Rules LIVE on ESPN2 - Carlton v Hawthorn
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Live Australian football back on the ESPN's! Fast, rough and high scoring! Gots to love the footy! Hawthorn wins it going away. Life is good with live Aussie Rules back on real TV!

A dingo did not eat your baby! 0 cobras! Yes!

The night ended at 1:00 am. That's an hour to jump start Sunday:

12:10 pm - baseball on FSN RM - Rockies at Royals
Rocks rock a Cy Young winner! Rock and roll boys! Colorado 11 KC 7.
Tired of the baseball - 5 cobras just for the heck of cobraing.

1:00 pm - hockey on NBC - Hawks v Sharks
Chicago is going back to the finals for this first time since '92. Good on you Blackhawks! And thanks for the same old same old San Jose. Time to ditch Nabby and find a goalie that can carry the playoff weight. You are a team with too much talent to choke year after year. Chicago 4 San Jose 2. Hawks sweep the series.
Sweet home Chicago! 0 cobras.

Done and done. 20+ hours and out!

Footy on the Deuce!

Tickets are going fast for the LIVE Aussie Rules match on ESPN2!

It's back! Live (regular season) Australian Rules Football is back on the ESPNs! Tune in Saturday night at 10:00 PM MDT on ESPN2 to witness the glory! Carlton hosts Hawthorn on this epic night! (just don't check the standings, ladder, because it's 5th vs. 14th and not a regular season battle for the ages. But hey. We're not bitching. Live footy is live footy and we'll take it). So dammit! Just watch the game. Have your friends watch. Have your enemies watch. The more of you that watch the better the chance for more footy for this Pengo in the future.

The Hawthorn Hawks go on the attack!
(Subliminal insert - waaaaattttchhhh the gaaaammmme! Wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaattcccccchhhhhhhhhh it! Thanks eh!)

Carlton v. Hawthorn in rough and tumble footy excitement!

And now, here's a clown and a terrified child:

PengoSports, and our happy friend above on the left, would recommend you watch the match Saturday night. And on Monday you will email ESPN and thank them for showing it. We want more footy on TV and we don't want to seem rude and ungrateful do we? DO WE?! Thought so. Mr. Chuckles will now visit someone else while they sleep.

It's the Right Mood for a Bat Fight!

The perfect walk up song for any ball player that has the courage to step up with Will Ferrell and engage in a "Bat Fight"!



It might be wise, if playing the video at the old ballyard, to exclude the beat down and possible death of Mr. Ferrell (2:34-3:45 of the clip). The rest? Family friendly gold!

What Kind of Man Flips Off a Defenseless Manimal/Mascot?

What in the Hell! Just what in the Hell kind of world are we living in where baseball relief pitchers can just lounge around and flip the bird*, or birds as this case seems to be, at pro sports, granted minor league pro sports, mascots?

The face of the mascot was blacked out to protect his identity.

You can see in the background, kind of, that a player is saluting the poor creature with not just one, but two fingers!

Artist's visualization of what the culprit actually looked like.

*Photos used in this story may have been altered, enhanced, changed, etc. to back up the report.

Santa Fight Tonight!

Islanders hosting the Rangers. Anyone dressed as Santa gets in free. Isles management expecting 500 Santas and instead more than a 1000 show up. Did I mention that they were playing the Rangers? As in New York Rangers? Well, Ranger Santas appear, Islander Santas show their displeasure. The result? Pure gold!

Old Time Hockey! (and Crappy Basketball)

Stanley Cup playoffs or NBA playoffs. Which are better? Come on. Do you even have to think about it? The Flyers heart or the Cavs lack of anything close to that? Montreal battling from an 8th seed to the conference finals, or all the losing teams in the NBA playoffs mailing in a result? Grit, courage, toughness and fire, or 112-71 blowouts? Your choice. I'm not saying there is a wrong answer, but if you answer NBA your tickets for the ice capades are waiting for you at will call. Oh, and your panties are showing.

Now for your viewing enjoyment, an couple of clips to demonstrate the difference:

In the first video Toronto's Darcy Tucker pretty much destroys Philadelphia's Sami Kapanen about 7 minutes into overtime of game 6 in the 2004 Eastern Conference semi finals. Did Kamanen stay down? Call for the trainer? Quit? Hell no he didn't! He somehow wobbled, weaved and flopped himself back to the Flyers bench, keeping the play alive, and Philadelphia scored a couple of rushes later to clinch the series on the road. Wow! I will say it again, WOW!

The second video is the extended version with the hit, the post hit action and the goal. The action part runs from 2:37-3:25. The Flyers total respect and awe for Kapanen runs from 3:48-4:27. WOW! Just fricken WOW!

And to defend the NBA? Mr. Paul Pierce of the Boston Celtics, coming back from the dead, to do whatever the f*#k he thought he would do. Did Pierce think he would pull another Willis Reed? Well first you have to be injured. I mean really injured, like a torn thigh muscle injured. Then you have to show some balls and come out and try to play, sink your only two shots, and leave the floor as a legend. Paul Pierce, I watched Willis Reed, I respected Willis Reed, Willis Reed was a man. Mr. Pierce, you're no Willis Reed.

Now watch the craptasticness.

You're Not a "House of Pancakes" Without Pancakes!

Damn you IHOP! Damn you straight to Hell!

The press box menu reads IHOP and when you see IHOP what do you think? Pancakes! Muther-frippin' pancakes! Some of the best pancakes around! And what was waiting in the aluminum warming things? French toast that's what! Stinkin' Freedom Toast! Aaarrrrgh! You are the International House of Pancakes not the International House of Toasts! If the United Kingdom can package pancakes like Twinkies and still make them quite tasty the least you can do is include some in your catering package! The word of the day is P-A-N-C-A-K-E-S. Consider this your first and final notice.

The Freedom toast was a little gummy, but still tasty with your awesome syrups, which this Pengo thought was coffee and found out the hard way with an unpleasant taste and consistency surprise that they were not. From now on syrup in syrup containers not coffee cups please.

The scrambled eggs were scrambled eggs. Light and fluffy. Fresher would have been better but a good source of protein nonetheless.

The bacon was decent. PengoSports cannot get on the bacon bandwagon. It is just crispy pig and every time I eat it I expect my heart to explode. Sorry. Just can't get past the chew, chest pain, chew, chest pain thing. Now if we are talking back bacon, or Canadian bacon, that stuff is the sh*t! No chest pains there!

Sausage links? Little bullets of flavor!

Overall rating - Single, advances to second on an error.

This is the first in a series of reviews of press box food provided to members of the Forth Estate before Colorado Springs Sky Sox home games at beautiful Security Service Field. Great thanks to the Mikes with the Sky Sox PR Dept for the help in maintaining my fat.

Springtime in the Rockies!

What can you say about the weather?

"It's Springtime in the Rockies!" That's what!