DERP!

There are derp looks and there are DERP looks. Wes Musick from the OK City Redhawks seems to fall into the latter group.

What sound do you think goes with this look?

DERPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

Me throw ball! Ball fly NOW!

Hurphftmmmmmpt!

MATT DAMON!

He went 6 strong innings. Gave up 6 hits and 2 runs but didn't figure in the decision. Derp seems to be working for him. Keep on keeping on brother. Chicken ain't nothing but a bird...

REVENGE of the Urinal Deuce

You might remember our story about some ne'er-do-well who dropped a deuce into a urinal at the stadium back in 2010. It was a touching, heartfelt essay about a boy finding a poop in a urinal and then taking a picture of it. Go read it and come back. Otherwise it would be a lot like going to see Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo without first seeing the original Breakin'. You'll just feel lost and confused. Go on. We'll wait for you...Okay?

Well, back in April, to commemorate something or another, the gang decide to honor the deuce discoverer, our Ponce de Leon of urinal deuces, Marty G, with a framed memory of the moment:

le merde la pissoir

The problem? How to get it printed without being labeled a turd-vert? A vexing issue I thought I solved by sending it to Walgreen's (and not my neighborhood Walgreen's, but one I never use to throw them off the scent, so to speak) in the late PM while I'd pick it up in the early AM. Different shifts. Different people. No poop related conversation. No uncomfortable moments. No problem. Or so I thought as I headed off to the to pick up the pic.

Off to the photo department...Just an anonymous shopper picking up my photo order.

The store was not crowded and I asked for my order. The lady behind the counter, let's call her Mrs. Crabtree...

CAN I HELP YOU! WHAT DO YOU WANT!

...pulled it from the bin, looked at it, looked at me, and she smiled. No. No, no, no! Just ring me up, take my 19 cents, but DON'T say anything about the picture. Please. Please..."That's not real is it?" Mrs. Crabtree asked. I explained the story to her, hella-short version, mentioning that it was dog night, but I did not believe it was a dog related crime, that I did not attempt to smell it and that it looked real to me. That was enough for her. We were friends now. And friends share stories. Friends share poop stories. Horrible, dark poop stories. And here was hers...

No. Please no. No poo stories.

Mrs. C "...you know, one time we had an old guy go into the bathroom here (Walgreen's) and clogged up the toilet with a poop the size of a jar of mayonnaise."

Passing something like this could kill a guy you know.

Me "Um. Yeah. I..." Jar of mayonnaise? Interesting choice of something to compare it to.

Mrs. C "I'm surprised he didn't die because it was that big and hard as a rock."

Me "Um. Yeah. A thing like that could kill a guy." In my mind I was thinking, "hard? Hard?! How did you know it was hard?

Mrs. C "Yeah. My managers came in there and could not believe that old man did that. The toilet was all clogged and there was no way that thing was going down. They were laughing and I told them it wasn't funny. That it could have killed that guy. And they looked at me and you know how shit rolls down hill?"

Me "Um. Yeah?" I don't like anything about this. I don't like where this has come from and I sure don't like where this is going.

Mrs. C "Well they said, 'you gotta get that cleared' so I reached in a grabbed it out of there. And it was hard as a rock. As a rock."

Go ahead and just grab it.

 Me "Wow. That sure would hurt. Um. I glad he didn't die. Thank you. Have a nice day. Goodbye." And bam! I could not get out of there fast enough. Does Walgreen's sell mind bleach?

Sometimes one cannot run from a Walgreen's fast enough.

I don't know if it was all the scat talk working its magic or what, but as I drove off to the ball yard with my, now well earned, gift I could not stop smelling shit. Outside the Walgreen's. Inside my car. I was going crazy. Damn it! I do believe that stupid deuce was trying to exact some sort of revenge on me! Kay-riste! I didn't drop it, I only took a pic of it.  

Well, the gift was presented, and proudly displayed next to Marty's computer. Story over? Nope. Chris J. heard my tale about the mayonnaise jar turd and just had to add his own sordid yarn about a clog he ran across at a bar near the old War Memorial Stadium in Buffalo. This time the offending bomb was the size of my 300mm f4 lens:

It's always a closeup when you pass a telephoto lens.

Chris could not comment on whether the log was 'hard as a rock'. He never touched it (wisely). He just observed a very large brown trout blocking up the crapper in a bar.

I think I can 'hold' it. Yeah. I can 'hold' it.

By now the day is flying by and I am really creeped out. I still am smell shit wherever I go. I don't want any more poo stories. I just want to go home. And it is at home that I discover that I have had dog shit on my shoe the whole day.

Like my shoe, except my shoe was a boot and that stringy thing was not stuck in the poo.

CRAP! I stepped in it while cleaning up dog crap in the morning. I'd been walking around all day dealing with shit pics and hearing shit stories while my boot was smeared in shit shit. SHIT. Goodnight Springton. There will be no encore...

American Ninja Warrior

The awesome is everywhere! 

American Ninja Warrior starts tonight on G4 (Comcast 129) with brand new episodes at 700 & 800pm. NBC, yes that NBC, will air an episode Monday at 800pm. Give it some love and check it out. 

PengoSports loves Ninja Warrior! The American show is good, but if you get the chance, check out the Japanese version, Mikoto Nagano is the MAN!

They Will Laugh At You

A classic. The gold standard for ball-shot cards.

Fresno Grizzlies pitcher, Mitch Lively, tried to bare hand a foul ball, booted it, and caught it in the junk for his troubles. Here is the aftermath of the play:

Yup. Right in the junk. Catcher Tyler LeTorre's shows concern for Mitch's well-being.

LeTorre's concern gets louder and more animated.

Pitcher Craig Whitaker, with the face palm, joins in.

Mitch tries to laugh it off...

...and fails...

...so he takes a seat while the Unibomber giggles away next to him.

As a rule of thumb in sports, if you get hit in the testicles, besides the pain, expect this result:

The World's 2nd Fastest Hypnotist!

WHATEVER YOU DO - 
DO NOT LOOK INTO HIS EYES!

Zach Simons
The World's 2nd Fastest Hypnotist!

Here's the Fastest:

CREEPER!!!

Lookout Las Vegas 51's bullpen! It's the Creeper!

Poor, poor unsuspecting bullpen. Your doom is at hand.

Behold, the "Creeper"! Kind of looks like Bill Belichick.

Bo-squatch Spotted!

Security Service Field. Squatch country! Yep. That’s a Bo-Foot!

The Bo-Squatch, and friend.

HUMIDOR!

A HUMIDOR! AAA pitchers rejoice! Colorado Springs’ altitude of 6551 feet and deserty-dry air are now non-issues! When pitching at Security Service Field the only things you’ll have to worry about are the wind; the cold; earwigs; elves; tofu; wolves…

BEHOLD! THE HUMIDOR!

Rugby. Rugby. Rugby.

LIVE! BBC America! France v Ireland at the Stade de France! 100pm!

We can only hope the game is better than last week's "dog" with Scotland losing to England in a wonderful cure for insomnia (but a sad, sad rugby match). Still it's LIVE! and bound to have announcers with silly accents.

Manning to Broncos? UPDATED

Reports are beginning to percolate that the Broncos are interested in Peyton Manning and that Jacksonville is offering a 2nd and 5th for the Tebus. Fingers crossed here at PengoSports.  

UPDATED - Liars! Seems that every team is going to get Peyton. Dolphins, Redskins and Jets highest on the bullsh*t list. 

UP-UPDATED - Yes. We know how the story ended. Superbowl? Ha. They are still the Broncos. Even without Tebus they will screw it up.

Small Fat Man...Handcuffed Himself to the Goal

While the staff here at PengoSports were a watching exciting English Premier League Tuesday soccer action on Fox Soccer Channel, Everton hosting Manchester City, just before halftime, to our stunned amazement this wonderful bit of weird happened:

From the Guardian (the best newspaper in the world):

8.42pm: There's a break in play at Goodison Park because a small fat man in a baseball cap has sauntered over to Joe Hart's goal and handcuffed himself to the post. It's been a very long day, but I'm pretty sure I'm not hallucinating. He's got his arms either side of the upright with the bracelets round each wrist.

8.44pm: At Goodison Park, the players are standing around looking bemused as lots of stewards and police try to release the bloke who's handcuffed himself to the post, as he tells them all to eff off! Somebody produces a key or bolt-cutters, the cuffs are removed and he's dragged away.

The half finally came, Everton 0 - Man City 0 - Short Fat Man 1.

UPDATED! Everton wins 1-0. Fat man in hat protests a shi*ty airline:

Story at the Daily Mail

And now, for your pleasure, here's another freak in goal:

Dude. Really? Duuuude.

Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh QB and what it seems, mob wise guy, has been sporting a wee fedora (or he just has a giant head) of late:

Good look? Really? He just looks like a tarted-up hipster. 

Here at PengoSports we have done a bit of digging and located a few of his previous looks:

 

Ben's Charles Lindbergh look that he sported while 

at the University of Miami Ohio. (This look did not catch on).

During his rookie season in Pittsburgh he embraced the "James Joyce" style that was so popular with all the young Steeler fans. It ranked right up there with the Terrible Towel at home games.

The bowler hat, also known as a coke hat, derby,  
billycock or bombín and when sported on Ben's giant head 
just looked silly. He only wore this for part of one pre-season.

 Ben, and friends, a the Million Hat March in Washington DC last Spring.

Experimenting with his current "Fedora" look. 
The scarf did not make the cut.

Ben Roethlisberger, a haberdasher's dream 
(and a national nightmare).

Which hat is next? Hmmmmm...

Someone Doesn't Like The Tebow

Tebowing (vb) the act of calling attention to oneself while supposedly giving glory to a higher power.

From a few weeks back in the Hooters' men's room (over urinal #3). Seems someone didn't like Tim Tebow, or at least this photo of Tebow:

Look out! Something is trying to get in your mouth!
Pray it away! Pray it away!

The Big Guy is not amused.

Now let's wander into the sunset with some images from the PengoSports Tebowing gallery:

Tebowing

Tebowing after killing a great, big snake

A cowboy Tebowing 
but still ready to come up guns-a-blazin'!
 

A Catholic "Tebowing". Nice try Papist!

Poor kids would like to watch the Tebow 
but can't afford a TV (or a place to live).

Matthew 6:6 - But you, when you pray, enter into your room, 
and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret shall reward you openly. 

TOUCHDOWN! YES! BRONCOOOOOOOOS!