The Bye Week Extravaganza!

The Denver Broncos used the bye week to try to entertain and amaze their fans with a "Broadway style" production of the "Denver Broncos Bye Week Extravaganza!". Lead by quarterback Jay Cutler, wide receiver Brandon Marshall and injured cornerback Champ Bailey, the 4-3 Broncos donned fancy dresses and tried to dance, dance, dance their way back into a disenchanted fan base's hearts with the hour long show at Mile High.

A crush of predominately orange dressed fans pushed into the stadium early Sunday morning hoping for a chance to view the team do something positive with their time away from football.

They were sadly disappointed. The song and dance farce fell apart soon after it began. Coach Mike Shanahan, dressed in what looked like a Harlequin costume, prepared the team well, but as usual, when it came time to perform he was hopelessly out of his element, mumbling, "Elway. Elway. Even John couldn't get this done...", as the opening lady-boy burlesque number fell flat. The Mastermind could be seen sitting in his chair, drinking heavily throughout the show.

As the Broncos players cranked up the energy in second act, a strange combination of Can't Stop the Music and A Bridge Too Far, the fans started to turn on the players. "Chr*st! I thought the defense was bad," complained long time season ticker holder Jerry Blane, "what that f*ck am I watching?"


The audience became more enraged as 1st round draft pick and left tackle Ryan Clady, dressed as the motorcycle guy from the Village People, launched an attack on the Arnhem Bridge prancing and skipping across the large stage shouting the lyrics to YMCA. "YOU SUCK, YOU BASTARDS!" screamed Kevin Waybright of Colorado Springs, "Let me leave this fu*king hell hole or so help me I will kill every last one of you worthless nancy-boys!"

The crowd began to riot before the third act and demanded the show be stopped and that the Broncos sacrifice one player to atone for the sins of this season and this "Extravaganza". The players and coaching staff escaped injury by donning fake mustaches and glasses and waltzed though the clueless throng.

"I always heard Bronco fans were dumb, but I had no idea how dumb until just now," stated a shaken Jay Cutler, "Hell, they have been rooting for this suck-hole team since Elway retired and still think we can win. If they'll do that then sneaking past them with a fake mustache is easy."

The team said it is planing further distractions as the season continues to fall apart.

Aussie Rules in the USA

The US Footy Australian Rules Football National Championships were held at the Air Force Academy October 11-12. Teams from across the U.S., and Canada?, battled in four divisions, in the bitter cold, to see Vancouver, Division 1, and Calgary, Womens, crowned champions of United States Australian Football!?

Congrats go out to the Cougars and Kokaburras who were truly the class of the competition!

Aussie Rules, for those of you old enough to remember, was the crazy, smear-the-queeresque chaos shown on ESPN in the early 80's (before they started showing real sports like poker, eating contests, scrabble championships, spelling bees, strong guy competitions, et al.). It is a game played on an oval 175 yards long x 155 yards wide by 18 a side teams where you can only pass the ball by kicking, or punching, it and can only score by kicking the ball through four poles. Kick it through the middle ones for 6, or through a middle and outer one for 1. It is fast, hard hitting and high scoring. The same as hockey, except for the scoring part (and skates, ice, sticks, helmets, pads...). And the goal judges look like lab techs or banana tycoons.

I think the banana guy use to be a Aussie Rules ref, or the Aussie Rule guy use to be a banana tycoon.

Click here to go to photos from the weekend.

What the F#*k Just Happened?

Newman the Great and Paat the Fairly Average are asking the same question today, "What the f#*k happened to the Broncos last night?" That was the most pitiful, sad, pathetic performance from Our Fair Football Team in a very long time. Yes, it was worse than the thumping San Diego put on them at Mile High last year. The Chargers were awesome on both sides of the ball and healthy, while the Pats were beat up and ready for the knockout punch, but instead Denver revived New England's season and drove a stake through their own heart.

Cassel, Morris and Moss ran roughshod over the "new" 3-4 defense and made the Broncos look like the Chiefs (but not the Chiefs who whooped the sh*t out of Denver a few weeks back). Denver's offense looked confused and never had a chance after Cutler whacked his finger on the first play of the game. Stupid penalties, stupid running back and poor preparation lead to a wasted Monday night of crappy NFL football. I only watched the 1st half, so I want that hour and forty five minutes back you suck-holes! Denver Broncos Football Club, ESPN and NFL the invoice is in the mail.

On a positive note, the Avs won a gritty contest against the Kings in LA 4-2. With Budaj playing solid and Hejduk staying hot the Avs are looking like a team that might pull out a playoff berth. Let's go Avalanche!

And in college hockey, CC is #1 and DU (sucks) is # 2. Go Colorado hockey!



Until next time don't get too much Johnson. According to the poster it could mean trouble.

Live Blog! Broncos-Pats! MNF!

6:40 PM - Welcome to the live blog of the Broncos v Patriots Monday night matchup. Let's go Broncos-Please don't suck.

6:44 pm - 2nd and 6, nice toss Cutler! Hurt hand. Get over it! Yes! That's better-1st and 10.

6:45 pm - Nice run by Pittman. Keep mixing it up Shanahan.

6:46 pm - 3rd and 1-Nice! Keep pounding it. Let's make this a hell weekend for the Boston sports fans. Go Red Sox! That'll teach ya to beat the Rockies!

6:51 pm - Dammit Hall! Hang on the the Ball! You don't have to pretend to study. You don't have to kiss up to alums. You just have to play football and if you are a skill player you have to HOLD ON TO THE BALL!

6:53 pm - Time to see if the defense is up to the task of stopping a crippled New England team. So far, so good. The D comes out sucking! Way to go guys! 4-3. 3-4. 11-0. It does not matter. You suck!

6:55 pm - Hey! They might throw to that Moss guy! I hear he's pretty good. You might want to cover him. Just a thought.

6:56 pm - A Sack! What the hell are they thinking?! Pressure the QB? Now that's an idea.


6:57 pm - "We're going to talk about Tom Brady a lot..." No shit. Now if you could just work Brett Farve into the conversation...FIELD GOAL IS UP AND GOOD - PATS 3 - BRONCOS 0.

6:59 pm - Class DirectTV commercial. Dead girl shilling a product.

7:05 pm - BENCH HIM! SEND HIM TO THE LOCKER ROOM! TELL HIM TO GO HOME! F@*KIN' HALL!

7:08 PM - Come on D! 3rd & 10! Yes! Nice defense. Now miss it! NOPE-IT'S UP AND GOOD. PATS 6 - BRONCOS 0.

7:11 pm - Hall on the return. Way to stand him behind Shanahan. When he fumbles again, because he's thinking about it, you can join him on the long walk home.


7:13 pm - Belichick is one weird-looking dude...Nice pass suck hole!

7:15 pm - And the defense ends the 1st quarter the way it began, by playing flag football.

END OF 1st QUARTER - NEW ENGLAND 6 - DENVER 0.

7:18 pm - Morris runs wild, or Denver can't tackle. G*d Dammit!

7:19 pm - Nice sack Cassel. Why are they trying to throw when the Denver defense can't stop the run? Again, why throw? Cassel can only hurt you, but we'll take it.

7:23 pm - Pittman gains 6. Nice start. Keep mixing it up. Nice toss to Marshall, but wait, he pushed off - HORSESH*T! What a crappy call! Jebus! Just make them wear skirts.

7:26 pm - Culter try to get injured and a flag. Great job guys! Talk about a team not ready to play. Shanhan needs to shoot someone a halftime, not to kill just to wound, and I nominate Hall.

7:30 pm - Pass to Moss and a huge run by Morris. At least they suck on both sides of the ball. Special teams isn't too bad so far.

7:31 pm - Cassel does not have one of those clocks in his QB head that tells him to get rid of the ball. That could help later in the game. And Watson just used a couple of Bronco d-backs.

7:33 pm - STOP 'EM! 4th and goal. Come on! Well. That was easy. TOUCHDOWN - NEW ENGLAND 13 - DENVER 0. Morris, 11 carries for 106 yards. That a 9.6 average.

7:36 pm - If this keeps up I'm bagging it a the half. The Broncos quit before the game started so I can quit then. Score now or lose me to beer.


7:41 pm - Penalty. Incomplete. Dart to Royale with Cheese! 1st and 10!

7:44 pm - Go White Guy, go! Keep it moving, but not with a sweep. 3rd and 3. Loooooonnngggg pass, picked. Perfect! Just perfect. Beer here I come.

7:46 pm - Culter maybe done. Like to join me for a beer? Looks like you'll have time. Patrick "Denver's taking a knee" Ramsey may be coming in.

7:49 pm- Wilborn. What a stupid penalty! Bench his ass! Fine his ass! Are you that dumb? You at least faked going to college so you should have learned something, didn't you?

7:50 pm - Bailey's hurt. 8 and 8 here we come! And another fu*king dead ball penalty! Jebus you a**holes!

7:51 pm - 2:00 warning. This half cannot end soon enough. What an effort. I could see players having this type of game if they had a second job, or were worried about paying the bills, but this is all they do and they get paid pretty well to do it.

7:54 pm - Nice stop! Someone's playing football! 4 & short. The Pats will go for it and make it and that will be that. At least Denver's made a couple of tackles of late.

7:56 pm - I am sorry to be correct. That was too easy. That was too sad. If I was Belichick I'd go for it every time.

7:57 pm - Touchdown to Moss. Brutal. Just brutal. New England 20 - Denver 0.

8:00 pm - :39 seconds to go. Ramsey's playing QB. What do yo do? PUNT! Aaaahhhh! They are throwing it! Complete and and dumb penalty on the Pats! Try to get a field goal! Think about the betting line!

8:01 pm - Shit*y pass and almost picked. Better pass and a 1st down at the 38. Time out with :25 seconds left.

8:03 pm - Ramsey's hit and turns it over. They only ending that fits. At least they sacked Cassel 5 times.

HALFTIME - NEW ENGLAND 20 - DENVER 0.

Well, I can't take any more. I will drink a tall one for you while I watch the Avs play the Kings at 8:30 pm.

Check back tomorrow as I wrap up last week's US Australian Football Nationals that I covered at the Air Force Academy. I will have pics and stories of a tent full of drunken Aussies.

Don't Screw With Curses.

They should have known. If any team should have known, it was the Cubs. They should have known and still decided to screwed with fate. And fate kicked their asses.

The fine fans of Colorado sports teams may not have that rich history and long relationship with choking, but we have embraced the fates of sucking quite well thank you. We know not to start screwing with a curse before you have driven that wooden stake deep into its heart, douched it with holy water and shoved a garlic and silver bullet pizza down its yob.

Cub fans are not that smart. They were celebrating a World Series title in September. It is now early October and they are now rallying around the mantra of "the Curse ends in 2108! - 200 years is quite enough." To remove this curse the Cubs brought in a Greek Orthodox priest to bless the dugout (and not a Catholic priest to exorcise the stadium), big mistake. They also denied entrance to another goat, the reason for the curse in the first place!

Colorado fans know our teams will suck. That is just the way it is. If they don't suck today that just means that they are saving the suck for later, when the hurt will sting a little bit more. We want them to win, but always believe they will lose (to not piss off the curse gods), and if they happen to not lose, Broncos 97 & 98; Avs 96 & 03; Dynamite; Crush; Mammoth; Rockies 2007 N.L. pennant...then, fiddle de dee, we rock! But we will suck again soon, gods-o-de-curse, so forgive us our cheering and understand that we know that you are most powerful and shall exact your revenge on us fans for the championships that slurked by you, the Broncos without Elway; all other Rockies' teams; all Avs teams without Roy; CU, AFA, CSU & CC hockey - screw you DU! Curse whore!

When you're cursed, you're cursed, so you might as well just accept it and root for teams that you hate to pass the curse onto them (hello Boston teams!).

Sasquatch Sighting

Nice Start, You Worthless Pieces of ...

Dear Denver Broncos,

Please read the above card because you are CHOKING! It's the Chiefs! Wake up and start playing!

A late start to the blog...

11:50 am - Yes! Cutler to Marshall! 7-6 Broncos. It is about time!

11:53 am - WOW! What a hit! Sandman to Chief returner guy, "hello".

11:56 am - Nice sound job CBS. "Here is the sound of that hit..." sounded like cats puking in a drain pipe.

11:57 am - Who is #82 Bowe and why can't someone cover him?

11:59 am - The defense is actually playing well (knock wood). They are playing KC, but they have kept Denver in the game so far. Good job you suck holes!

12:02 pm - Selvin Young! What a couple of moves! You go Selvin!

12:03 pm - You not go Selvin.

12:04 pm - Nice toss Cutler! This half is flying. The NFL will have to step in and slow down the second half. Can't have a game ending in less than 4 hours.

12:06 pm - G*ddamnit Marshall! Hang on the the ball! After further review, mine, it was a fumble. The Broncos really want to blow this. Hey! Read the card at the top you bastards! Maybe the team went to a pre-game champagne brunch and got all liquored up thinking KC would just roll over.

12:11 pm - Touchdown KC. They should have had it on the last play. 13-6 KC.

12:13 pm - This game should be KC a blowout. Two field goals, a missed field goal, Denver is lucky. Time to step it up and go into the half with the lead.

12:15 pm - Go White Guy! Nice RAC! Here is a story on the White Guy from the Oakland game.

12:20 pm - Weak! Quit bitching for a flag and run the correct route.


12:21 pm - JASON ELAM! He was good. This tool is a tool. He is now McTool. That was a terrible half for the offense. Way to go guys! Are you trying to make the defense feel better about the first three weeks?

12:25 pm - "When you go off the field and the trainer is holding your hand, that's not good..." Dan Dierdorf truer words can not be spoken. What the hell?! He hurt is leg. He's an adult. After he receives treatment is he going to want a lollypop?

12:27 pm - Again, the defense is looking much better. Under the laws of physics it is stated that if the Denver Broncos defense is playing well the offense must suck and vice versa.

12:28 pm - Nice return Royale with Cheese! Let's go Broncos! End the half on an up note.

12:31 pm - Dierdorf, "Drew Brees, he's hot to the touch." How do you know Dan? Been touching Brees a lot lately? Huh?!

12:32 pm - FALSE START! What the ?! You are suppose to be PROS!

12:33 pm - UP and GOOD! 13-10 KC. Way to go McTool! You earn a point for this kick, but still lose three for the short choke-job you pulled.

12:35 pm - Halftime. It could be worse and needs to be much better.

12:49 pm - Here we go. Nice return Hall. Start out strong Denver!

12:51 pm - Yes! Royale with Cheese! Big gain! Way to set them up with two crappy runs Shanahan! Keep moving the ball!

12:54 pm - 3 & 16. At least they can try to miss another field goal. Make it McTool and I will start to believe again...YES! 13-13. His name is Matt Prater. Make them and you're Prater. Miss them you are McTool. The power is yours.

12:57 pm - "Pizza Hut delivered the pasta!" "You all have no taste and actually thought you were eating good food because we gave you a fancy fork and you are all lemmings! Your wine is goat piss! I crapped in your pudding! EAT! EAT!! EAT!!!"

12:59 pm - Albert had a dislocated right elbow...that is why the trainer was holding his hand! Sorry dude. I listened to Dierdorf and need to be slapped for that mistake. I will send you said lollypop.

1:02 pm - OK. The defense is sucking again. The Chiefs figured out that if you just run The Johnson at them time after time the Broncos' defense will fold like a lawn chair.

1:06 pm - See!? Stop running and good things happen for Denver! Field goal is up and good. 16-13 KC.

1:08 pm - Why haven't the people that thought up those lame Coor's Light press conference commercials been fired? They suck! I am almost willing to stop drinking the beer because of them. Almost.

1:10 pm - "Special teams demon." Is that legal? Lots of helmets flying off in this game. Make you wonder if they are wearing them correctly?

1:11 pm - Go Marshall!

1:12 pm - That was offensive interference. Is Hochuli working this game? We'll take the non-call, but all these crappy calls will haunt us in the future.

1:14 pm - Come on Denver! Can't even run a screen pass. Covert this third down! Come on! Picked! F**K!!! You suck!

1:16 pm - FUMBLE!!! What a hit by Champ! YES!!! That was a fumble. KC just pissed away a timeout.

1:20 pm - COME ON DENVER!!! Step up and take advantage of this!

1:21 pm - JEBUS CUTLER! Do you have cash on the Chiefs? You are terrible today!

1:22 pm - Denver is soooooooo lucky they aren't playing a real team today and still have a chance, slight, to win. They have to hold them to a field goal, or less, on this drive.

1:24 pm - AAAARRRGHHH!!! YES!!! Out of bounds! Who is #26? Could he get any more turned around on that play...Yikes!

1:26 pm - When the Broncos are running it Cutler can't throw a pick. But first downs seem hard to get on the ground. 3 & 1...YOU SUCK!!!

1:28 pm - Nice coverage on the punt. There. I can say something positive.

1:30 pm - Great. Gonzalez makes a catch. That's all we need.

1:32 pm - 3 & 4. Time to step it up D. Delay of game. Nice clock management Huard. 3 & 9...F**K! It's that bastard #82 AGAIN! What the?! Cover him!

END OF 3rd QUARTER - 16-13 KC.

1:36 pm - The Broncos' Defense is making Huard look like Montana. Only Denver could do this. Huard's mom better send the Denver players something special for how great they are making her son look.

1:38 pm - Come on field goal! Sh*t! F**king Broncos! Touchdown Chiefs. Great catch by that punk Gonzalez. 23-13 KC.

1:41 pm - Are there any poisonous snakes in Missouri? I mean really poisonous like spitting cobras. Do they like locker rooms? Or better yet, sidelines?

1:45 pm - It is time for a nice, strong drive. Step up Denver and show some spine.

1:50 PM - Come on! Keep driving! Go Royale with Cheese, catch on the sideline! Pittman runs for a first down. Come on, come on. White Guy, grace!

1:51 pm - Young got rocked. Wow! Lots of great hits! First down, Royale with Cheese! Young to the 3. Come on boys!

1:53 pm - The Chiefs oiled this part of the field! Everyone is slipping. Cheaters! 3rd & Goal...crap...should have been caught...field goal by Prater is up and good... 23-16 KC. They are going to regret on scoring a touchdown.

1:57 pm - Great. Just when they need somebody to step up the special teams lay down.

2:03 pm - The NFL needs to start suspending players that lower their heads. I hope Russell is going to be alright, but keep your head up! The serious injuries occur when the player goes into the pile with their head down. Take a game check and they will learn real quick to keep it up!

2:05 pm - Thanks for being Huard again Huard. Now keep it up!

2:06 pm - I said, "keep it up." Don't hit Gonzalez who is wide open down the middle. No. NO!

2:07 pm - Denver needs a stop here on 3 & 4 and then hope for a missed field goal. Nice stop, now they need to miss...field goal attempt...up and good. 26-16 KC. Damn it!

2:13 pm - Nice drive...crap! Fumble???!!! Incomplete!!! Let go you worthless pieces of sh*t! Score now! 4 & 10...Screw the field goal. The defense can't stop KC...field goal is up and good and Shanahan wears a skirt. 26-19 KC. KC deserves to win this game, or more so, the Broncos deserve to lose. Out coached, out played and out smarted. Go onside kick...AAAAAAAA!!! The Bronco guy had it and blew it! Hang on to the ball! There goes the only chance. KC only needs a field goal and that's it. If they had gone for the TD at least it would have shown some balls. Shanahan spent all of his on that two point conversion against the Saints.

2:22 pm - The Johnson is killing the Broncos. 2nd & Goal...Ballgame. The Johnson scores a touchdown. 33-19 KC. Screw you Shanahan. Way to get the team up for this game. Where are those cobras? Snipers? Rabid monkeys? Have a nice walk home.

Merry Christmas Australia!

In most of the world, as I write this, it is 2:25 pm on September 26, 2008, but in Australia it is 9:48 pm on December 25, 1989! So, Merry Christmas to our Aussie friends! And, on this happiest of holidays, we can join together and celebrate Australian style, while watching the Grand Final of Australian football, with Geelong battling Hawthorn for the Premiership (just like 1989!); giving each other fancy hats; and letting the cats take over our living rooms spraying the "tree" and tearing those fancy hats up.

God bless us everyone!

NHL Network on Comcast!

Finally! After a year's worth of my calls and emails begging and pleading, Comcast has added the NHL Network to its Colorado Springs Digital Sports tier on channel 178. The Sports Tier sells for $4.99 a month and includes the NFL Network, CBS College Sports Network, 3 Fox College Sports channels, and the Tennis Channel. Not bad for less than a fiver!

This is a good day for Comcast TV viewers in the Springs!

Thank you Comcast!

Aussie Rules Grand final Party

Come out to Hooters on the 26th and watch Geelong v. Hawthorn battle for the Premiership of Australian Football.

Pregame begins at 9:30 pm and the game will start around 10:20 pm. I know it is late, but it is a Friday, there is no school Saturday and you have not seen a good footy match since that dingo ate that baby.

Cheers mate!

POST GAME BITCH

Welcome to the newest feature following Broncos' games, the Post Game Bitch. The "Bitch" will break down the game and look forward to next week's match up.

Denver 34, New Orleans 32. Could the defense suck more? The answer is no.

Brandon Marshall is a very good football player and a not so good person.

Jay Cutler is a good quarterback, who could be great, but should not be shilling McDonald's when he has diabetes. Think of the children!

The defensive coordinator needs to be clubbed along with Shanahan for hiring him.

Mile High should be called Mile High and nothing else. If Bowlen wants the cash he should be kicked in the balls before each game as part of a greedy bastard tax.

If they lose to KC the team should have to ride back to Denver in a windowless bus, wearing their equipment without post-game showers.

I do not like Fox Sports.

Dick Enberg needs to be teamed with Merlin Olsen again and the AFC needs to be back on NBC. The games just had a looked that meant Fall, football and all things were right in the world.

Until next time...

Norv Turner, Shut the hell up!

Broncos win. Chargers lose. The refs stink. That is life in the NFL. Except for old Norv Turner, who's, "bitch, bitch, bitch", and "whoa is me" is wearing thin.

"Ed came over, the official, and said he blew it. And that's not acceptable to me. This is a high-level performance game and that's not acceptable to have a game decided on that play." said Norv Turner. How about all the money you stole from Washington and Oakland? Your performance as a head coach for those organization was unacceptable to all involved and you still were paid and able to stay in the league. A career record of 72-91-1, YES! You rock! Mistakes happen and we move on. Just like every stop on your head coaching resume. You have 92 mistakes front and center and you are still employed. People screw up. Did Hochuli blow the call? Hell yes! Did your defense blow the last two plays? Hell yes! Did the Broncos' defense blow the entire second half? Hell yes! It is a game of mistakes. The fewer you make the better chance your team has of succeeding. That is life. That is sport.

G*d-Damn Broncos! Don't Screw This Up!

I just decided to live blog the 4th qtr. of the Broncos v. Chargers game because the worthless S.O.B.s are trying to prove right my fears from last week, from every week, and lose this game.

4:55 pm - Is this the same Jay Cutler from the 1st half?

4:56 pm - An aside to the defense-YOU SUCK!!! What is the name of this new, soon to be exdefensive coordinator? Slovik? Teach these bastards how to tackle!

4:59 pm - Nice play Spaz, I mean Cutler. Calm down! Calm down. calm down.

5:01 pm - Nice pass Jay! Cromartie is playing like he has money on Denver.

5:04 pm - Randy Cross with the Ditka remark of the game, "He wants to get the ball down the field...down the field into to endzone..." thanks for the color. Thank God you played and learned all that inside knowledge. I would have no clue on what is going on without your "Corky" coments.

5:06 pm - WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?!!!!! JEBUS CRIPES!!! KILL CUTLER!!! Hang on to the ball you douche!

5:07 PM - In his defense, the defender was WIDE open. It has to be tempting to hit the open defender now and then.

5:10 PM - AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! 31-38! If the Broncos lose this they should all move the the Philippines, catch dysentery and die!

5:11 PM - What did Enberg just try to say? "MMaafeggdkajgklaj?"

5:15 PM - CATCH THE F**KIN' BALLL!

5:16 PM - Ooooo! A record for Marshall! How quaint.

5:17 pm - Bronco fans are waiting for something else bad to happen.

5:18 pm - Yes! Stokley! Yes! penalty on SD! Go you bastards!

5:20 pm - 2 minute warning. If the Broncos tie it up they'll lose in OT. But most likely they'll screw it up and not score. Last week was a fluke. Last week I asked the question when will the Broncos start to suck. The suck time is upon us.

5:22 pm - 18 is a lot of catches. It is almost they same as the number of missed tackles by the defense.

5:23 pm - Yes. Chew up time. Chew up time and don't forget to score the TD. Shanahan you are the devil.

5:25 pm - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! What the hell is up with this tool? That was a fumble, but the whistle blew so the ball is dead where it lands? Right? Randy Cross help me out. Say something useful. Please?! Yes! Still our ball...no thanks to you Cross.

5:30 PM - YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! TOUCHDOWN!!! TWO. TWO? PLEASE! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! GOD LOVES THOSE WHO ARE RIGHT!!! WOW! SHANAHAN HAS THE LARGEST PAIR IN THE WORLD!!! SCREW YOU SAN DIEGO!!! 39-38! CHOKE ON IT!!!

5:33 PM - Kickoff, NAIL HIM! KILL HIM! YES! Now play some F-ing defense! I said, "PLAY SOME DEFENSE!!!!!!!"

5:35 PM - Timeout Denver.

5:36 pm - No 22 yards! What?! No catch! No catch! Thank God he sucks! What kind of coverage was that? PLAY DEFENSE!!!

5:38 PM - 6 seconds. No! He was out-o-bounds. Out-o-bounds! Out-o-bounds! Yes! Smart ref. Good boy!

5:40 pm - KILL! KILL! KILL! YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!! Broncos win! The good Lord loves the Broncos (for tonight only. His love will cease very soon if they continue to play defense this way).

Does This Smell Like Rootbeer to You?

My Apologies About the Shirling Post.

It seems that I was duped into writing the History of Shirling post yesterday. In a campaign of deceit and drinking I was egged on by a group of kilt wearing hooligans during a long and hazy night at the "pub". I can imagine these "Scotsmen" having quite the laugh at my expense for buying their incredible, yet tall, tale.

Shirling was not a strange, ancient sport from Scotland, but a comedy sketch from the program Kids in the Hall.



My bad. I will aim to serve you better in the future.

To make it up to you here are my top 5 Kids in the Hall sketches:

5. The I'm Crushing Your Head Guy. "Not everyone deserves to have their head crushed, just 99.99999% of them." This is my life. Every day. Every hour. Every minute.

4. The Pit of Ultimate Darkness. "Eating soup in a fit of rage!" Simon and Hecubus rock in a dark, EVIL!, sort of way.

3. My Pen! We all know the pain and heartbreak of losing that perfect pen.

2. These are the Daves I Know. I know some Daves and that makes this pretty funny.

1. The Bass Player. Bass players are pretty funny. Not clown funny, but you know, funny.

A History of Shirling

The name of this blog is PengoSports. A pengo sport is any sport that is popular worldwide and does not register a pulse in the States. This is the story of one of the most obscure and bizarre sports that has been long lost to history, Shurling.

Shirling consisted of two teams of five players each, chained together and circling around a platform upon was placed an African Cobra. The players continue to circle the snake until one by one they were picked off by the cobra spitting venom into their eyes.

It is rumored that Shirling dated back to the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve circled the serpent before eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge, the knowledge fruit. But its true origin date back to 17th century Scotland where the nobles of the day would field teams of vassals circling newly imported cobras. Money was not only wagered on which team would win but on the number of players that were blinded or died.

The sport reached the Americas in the 1730's with different rules. The teams aspect was thrown out and it became a mano y mano battle to the death. Scottish Americans fought with native snakes. These snake could not spit venom, but only kill if they bit, so the players also used clubs on each other to gain the advantage and knock their opponent to the ground the the snake would have an easier time with their strike.

Shirling in 1700's America

Soon after the American Revolution the sport was banned in the U.S. and for a short time survive in Canada, but with the harsh Canadian winters the snakes needed for play could not survive and the game died out.

The Broncos Do Not Suck! Yet.

MNF Wrap-The 2nd half was far more enjoyable when I could actually watch it with the ability to mute and still know what was going on. No more just listening to the audio. That was hell! At least in the 2nd half someone seemed to medicate Ditka, or get him drunker, or hold someone or something he holds dear for ransom, because he was quieter and less stupid.

As for the Broncos, WOW! I keep waiting for the sucking to begin and, low and behold, it never happened! Maybe it was Shanahan's bitter hatred for Al Davis, but the Broncos actually went for the throat and made some adjustments at halftime (or the Raiders suck so bad it did not matter what Denver did).

We all know that Denver will break our hearts and spirit before the season ends, but last night was a refreshing reminder of the teams that could actually win it all.

Gameballs:

1. Eddie Royal - 9 catches for 146 yards; 2 rushes for 9 yards; 1 incomplete (SMART!) pass. Kick ass rookie!
2. Jay Cutler - 16/24 for 299 yards and 2 touchdowns. Make us forget about Elway? No! Make us think about Cutler. Yes!
3. Mike Shanahan - Great playcalling (haven't said that in years) and went for the kill.
   

Live Broncos Raiders Blog!

Halftime!!! I'm out! Until next time.

Big surprise yesterday...

HALFTIME HIGHLIGHTS!!!

9:43 pm Ditka does not "know a lot about a lot." True. He finally says something that makes sense.

9:41 pm Shanahan better make some adjustment in the 2nd half! Hey genius try going for the kill once in a while. (True Broncos fans know that the game is never over and that what can go wrong usually will).

9:39 pm I CAN'T HANDLE THE MIKES (DITKA MOST OF ALL) FOR A WHOLE GAME. I will give up at halftime and go back to watching the game with the sound off.

9:36 pm two minute warning.

9:34 pm Don't screw this up Broncos! YES!!! Kill em! Tackle for a huge loss!

9:33 pm These Mikes sure love Russel and Mcfadden.

Raider fans prepare for the home opener

9:28 pm TOUCHDOWN!!! BRONCOS!!! GOD LOVES THOSE WHO ARE RIGHT!!! Broncos 17 - Raiders 0

9:26 pm Sorry for the picture Jay. It sounds like you are playing like a beast!

9:25 pm "Stupid is is stupid does." Ditka is Gump. True the Raiders are morons, but to quote Forrest Gump?

9:23 pm Eddie Royal. Looking like a stud.

9:20 pm Another "Oh oh. Oh oh!" on a punt return. Like I tell my two year old, "Use you words!"

9:18 pm "Here's an interesting play for the young quarterback.." Why?! It 3rd down. He's faced 3rd and long before and, because he's with the Raiders, will face it many, many more times.

9:17 pm SACKED Em!!!

9:16 pm Wow! Is this game that bad that the Mikes have to start talking about Eagles/Cowboys?

9:13 pm Red-Zone troubles again? The field goal is up and good!
Broncos 10 - Raiders 0

9:12 pm Catch the ball Shitler!!!

9:11 pm It is a good sign that Culter in not being pressured. These are not the Denver Broncos.

9:10 pm Touchdown? No. Punks!

9:07 pm "Great call. Great call." Next time with some feeling boys.

A nice shot of a young Al Davis. Is he still alive?

9:04 pm What the?! Was it a touchback or not? Throw a listener a bone Mikes.

9:03 pm "You gotta catch that ball at all costs.." At all costs? What does that mean?

9:02 pm "Just an enormous college career..."


8:57 pm 1st Qtr ends!!! Broncos 7 Raiders 0
I need a beer.

8:55 pm "A ref on the other side of the field that HOISTED the flag..." The last time I checked to hoist did not mean to throw.

8:53 pm Broncos going for it on 4th and 1...nawwwwww! Pussies!

8:52 pm All the Mikes agree. No first down. And they were right!

"The yellow line is not on the field..." Greenberg. Classic!

"You have to learn to deal with it." No?! Really?!

Cutler had to give up his position of the "Sugar Baron".

It is tough to timeline this when you are listening to the tv feed.

"Oh oh! The ball is free!" "Stay with the running game. Let's not go crazy!" I may lose it by halftime if these circus clowns continue at this rate.

The Broncos sound like it is business as usual. Good and suck at the same time.

If Ditka is wrong the other Mikes need to send him out for beers. Of course, Ditka is wrong. Go get the suds hairboy!

Denver sucks against the run, again.

Huggy Bear's kid doing the lineup. didn't see that one coming.

Ditka spouts more wisdom! "Got to play that Raider football!"


Cutler is looking lean and mean in his media guide photo.


Way to go Jay Cutler!

TOUCHDOWN BRONCOS!!! YES!!!

"Heapin' helpin'." Greeny jumps on the crap wagon.

Hey, I like Mike & Mike in the Morning, but this crew is pretty bad. Maybe it is still preseason for the announcers.

Timeout Broncos.

Just because you played the sport, just because you coached the sport, doesn't mean that you can be a talk about the sport.

"Shanahan has gone into the playbook here..." Ditka is on tonight!

Selvin Young's Public Speaking Academy, opening soon.

Nice babble Ditka. What the hell did you just try to say?

"Trickeration"?! Notre Dame education for ya.

8:23 pm - Game on! Broncos' ball.

Ditka. Ditka. Ditka.

Mike, Mike & Mike! I want to be like Mikes.

"Hey Aaron Rodgers, what does it feel like to not be Brett Farve?"

Christ! Just get to the game!

Stuart Scott on hand tonight-should be fun.


Listen to the hillbilly! It's football time! Broncos Raiders! Let's blog!

Lance Armstrong May Be Mounting A Comback!

According to the Velo News, Lance Armstrong will be mounting a comeback in 2009, including riding in the Tour de France.

True, or not, PengoSports salutes Lance with a bold, "CHAPEAU!". The peloton needs a leader, something that has been sorely lacking since his departure!

Top 5 Things About Lance's Return

1. The folks at Versus will be able to eat something besides mac & cheese with the huge rating bump this will give them.
2. Paul & Phil can say,"dancing on the pedals," and really mean it.
3. Yellow becomes hip again in the lower 48!
4. We can learn to hate the French again and bring back the classics, Freedom Fries; Freedom Toast; Freedom Bread; Freedom Kissing; Freedom Lick, Indiana; and Liberty Cabbage (Sorry. That was Germany).
5. At least somebody in this country will be doing something about how fat I am!
   

Will the Broncos Suck Now or Later?

ESPN will ask the question, "Are you ready for some football?!", and I will answer, "Yes. Yes, I am ready for some football. So, if you please, show me the game and shut the f**k up!"

But instead of watching I will be blogging live to the audio of the ESPN Monday Night Football Broncos v. Raiders game. Why listen to the ESPN audio and not watch? Because you don't know how totally stupid the announcers sound until you have to listen to them without being distracted by the picture. I look forward, with dread, to all the cliches, misspeaks and lame-ass banter that goes into these fantastic events without the joy of watching the bright and shiny images.

As a Denver fan I am waiting to see if the Broncos will suck right from the start of the season or taunt us fans a bit and begin to suck later with a teasing playoff run and then the usual total collapse.

See you Monday night at 8:15 pm MDT.